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Original poster

To think that a good person can have an affair?

129 replies

Turtle89 · 20/05/2019 19:14

Can an inherently good person in a reasonable marriage fall in love with someone else and still be the same good person? What if they never told the OM how they felt? What if they kissed just the once? Can they still be a good person? What if it goes further? Where’s the line that turns a good person into a bad person? Or is it not that black and white?

FWIW I haven’t had an affair. I consider myself to be a good person but I’m wondering if my personality and self identity would change if I told OM how I feel about him or if I kissed him. Or more.

OP posts:
Nearlythere1 · 20/05/2019 19:17

I find it strange that you're focusing your question entirely on the other man and not about your husband, who is surely the one you owe allegiance to here.

Nearlythere1 · 20/05/2019 19:18

So, on that basis, i'd say that your moral compass has already shifted!

Hefzi · 20/05/2019 19:19

I suppose it depends on your definition of a good person. With modern approaches to parenting, where you criticise the choice, not the child, I suppose you could argue that you are still a good person who made a shitty choice? But I personally think there's a world of difference between someone who makes a bad choice on sudden impulse versus someone who does so after thinking it through, or trying to rationalise it. Once you have invested time and effort thinking about it, and still act - no, I don't think you can and still be a "good" (whatever that means) person.

KurriKawari · 20/05/2019 19:19

Depends what kind of relationship you have with your partner, one that's based on commitment just to each other or a more open marriage.

Bookaholic73 · 20/05/2019 19:19

I believe that a good person can fall in love with someone else while they are married.
But if they are a good person, they will end their marriage to spare their husband/wife the disrespect.

HermioneWeasley · 20/05/2019 19:21

No, people are either 100% good or 100% bad. There are no gray areas or nuance.

FFS, but what a responsible adult should do, if they find themselves having feeling for someone outside the marriage, is examine what’s wrong in the relationship that’s making them look outside, and act to fix it.

ClaryFray · 20/05/2019 19:21

Read the monogomy myth if you can get hold of it. It's a good book. Affairs are very very common.

It's a myth that we fall in love and love one person our whole lives. That's just it, we are attracted to different people and sometimes we need lots of things that can't be meet by one person. Don't feel bad.

Just choose what you want and stick with it

goodwinter · 20/05/2019 19:22

I think we all have thoughts and feelings from time to time that we'd rather not have, because they don't align with who we think we are, or who we'd like to be. That's pretty natural, and human. I think the "line" is if a) you act on those feelings and impulses, or b) you encourage them.

For example: if you develop feelings for someone, that in itself can't be helped. But if you deliberately kiss that person, that's not ok. Similarly, if you go out of your way to make sure you're spending more time with that person, or you always find an excuse to text them, then that's similarly not ok.

I'm not going to say you're a bad person because of it, because that's totally subjective - but I think those are certainly bad actions, not conducive to a healthy marriage.

In short, OP, the grass is greener where you water it. Put some effort into your own relationship.

babbi · 20/05/2019 19:22

Life is not a pantomime with goodies and baddies ... it’s not black and white ...

Good decent people can unexpectedly fall in love whilst in a relationship-we are human with feelings and emotions not machines .

It does not make anyone a bad person ... to develop feelings or connections

however what you choose to to regarding the feelings is what determines the morality...
Walk away do nothing - ok - Be honest and split with partner to pursue new love interest - ok -

But embark on a deceitful affair - not ok. ..

goodwinter · 20/05/2019 19:24

It's a myth that we fall in love and love one person our whole lives. That's just it, we are attracted to different people and sometimes we need lots of things that can't be meet by one person. Don't feel bad.

Well, sure. We can't always help our feelings. But I would argue you SHOULD feel bad if you act on them while you're in a monogamous relationship.

guest2013 · 20/05/2019 19:24

I find monogamy very hard. I mean, I don't just have one friend.. so why would I want to just have one lover?! I am faithful because I respect my husband but he knows I find it odd. I don't think it makes you a monster to want kiss another person or to even do it. But everyone else will.

1moremum · 20/05/2019 19:26

sure nice people can fall in love with someone else. it's the following through on the impulse and beginning a new relationship which negates their good person status.

Whether or not their action is forgivable and they can return to nice person status is entirely up to the original partner, and no one else. given my life experience, I would see such unfaithfulness as a symptom of a bigger problem, possibly forgiveable with a lot of work on both sides. but only the once. twice isn't a joint problem, it's a habit I wouldn't live with.

Icandothisallday · 20/05/2019 19:27

An affair, doesnt make a good person entirely bad.

However, theres a good chance that lots of people who are hurt will view you as a bad person. Once you have devastated them. Not just your husband, kids, wider family, OMs partner and kids etc.

An affair isnt just sex. It's usually months of lying, half truths, hiding things. It's not one act. One kiss or one conversation. You are betraying your partner constantly.

In my opinion you have crossed the line when you start doing things your know would hurt your partner and do them anyway.

If you dont want to be monogamous. Dont be. But make sure the other person knows you dont want that too. Seeing other people while letting your partner believe they are the only one is wrong.

flirtygirl · 20/05/2019 19:29

No lying and cheating are not done by good people.

There is never any good reason for an affair. You need to end one relationship before starting another.

And onenight stands and kisses whilst in a relationship are the hallmark of a cheap, sleazy, untrustworthy, dirty person.

RamIt · 20/05/2019 19:31

Good people don't cheat. Selfish people with poor boundaries cheat.

Cheating is something you can't take back.

Icandothisallday · 20/05/2019 19:33

I don't think it makes you a monster to want kiss another person or to even do it. But everyone else will

Yes, its shocking that people will judge you for pursuing someone else and acting on it, while leasing your other half to believe you both are faithful.

If you want an open marriage, want to kiss other people etc that fine. Doing while you ithee half is under the impression that you both promised each not to do those things, will be judged by others.

I have lots of friends. My friends all know this. I didnt promise one friend to only be their friend and then socialise with others, lie to the friend, hide things from them and deceive them. So its nots really the same.

qazxc · 20/05/2019 19:33

You may not help your feelings but you can help your actions. Although I also think that an initial attraction to someone is a crush or infatuation and that love only develops further down the line.
as a rule of thumb if you would not do whatever you are doing in front of your husband, you are crossing the line.

MyYe · 20/05/2019 19:34

I don't think it makes you a monster to want kiss another person or to even do it. But everyone else will.

It's the deceit that makes you a monster. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being non-monogamous as long as everyone involved is aware and concenting. Secretly taking away that choice from someone who has made it clear that they expect monogamy so you can have your cake and eat it is extremely selfish and self-centred and that's what would make you a 'bad person' in my eyes.

MyYe · 20/05/2019 19:34

Consenting*

SignedUpJust4This · 20/05/2019 19:35

People are not good or bad. They just do good or bad things.

BummyKnocker · 20/05/2019 19:35

People aren't good or bad, behaviour is.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 20/05/2019 19:35

Falling out of love and into love with someone else doesn’t make a person bad.
Acting on those feelings without ending the first relationship does.
Not wholly bad but shows a lack of morals and respect for your partner.

user1493413286 · 20/05/2019 19:36

You can’t control how you feel but you can control your actions. No I’m not sure a person remains a “good person” if they have an affair

VladmirsPoutine · 20/05/2019 19:36

The mental acrobatics you're doing to try to justify your thoughts/actions sounds exhausting. What I do think is important, is to be honest with yourself and your husband - that's where your priority should lie.

If you choose to extricate yourself from your marriage and thus become a single woman then further dealings with the other man need not be impeded. The emotional fallout of it all, however, will be horrific for just about everyone involved. So do keep that in mind.

SignedUpJust4This · 20/05/2019 19:45

I never believe this 'can't help falling in love' mentality. You can. You think you might fancy someone then you remove yourself from that person and give yourself a slap. If you think you can justify it because your marriage is unhappy either fix the marriage or leave it. That's what the vows are for. Nobody said marriage was supposed to be easy all the time. That's why it's a commitment