To think that a good person can have an affair?

[Turtle89]

Can an inherently good person in a reasonable marriage fall in love with someone else and still be the same good person? What if they never told the OM how they felt? What if they kissed just the once? Can they still be a good person? What if it goes further? Where’s the line that turns a good person into a bad person? Or is it not that black and white?

FWIW I haven’t had an affair. I consider myself to be a good person but I’m wondering if my personality and self identity would change if I told OM how I feel about him or if I kissed him. Or more.

You're OP sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that it would be OK to declare your feelings or maybe just one kiss and that would be OK too and it wouldn't go any further and you would still be a good person once you got that out of your system.
But affairs don't usually start with going straight to sex. They start because we allow or encourage them. Whether that's ensuring you find time to talk to the person you are attracted too, or make a special effort with your appearance around them. By finding excuses to contact them or arranging times to be with them like collaborating on a project. Being extra smiley , laughing at their jokes, a touch on the arm. You can convince yourself you wont have an affair, but if you are doing anything to encourage the attraction, or deliberately manufacturing events that enable you to spend more time with the person you are attracted too, then lets be honest here, you are encouraging the possibility of an affair.
I have seen quite a few work based affairs develop and all of the above happen to a degree before the affair starts. The other man or woman will make it obvious they are attracted to the married person but will say they would never have an affair ect,because there a good person, yet still do some or all of the above. Trying to kid themselves that it just happened or they couldn't help it, when they have engineered the whole thing while maintaining the denial, because to admit that it wasn't some unavoidable event admits their own complicity in the affair.

I don't think people are divided neatly into two groups of 'good' and 'bad' people.

However, basically decent people sometimes do bad things, and vice versa. And yes, if you're a married woman and you kiss another man, then than is a pretty obnoxious thing to do. Being attracted to someone else is one thing - that's always going to happen no matter how happy you might be with your partner - acting on it is another matter entirely.

@CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook Thank you. That means a lot

It's possible.

DP was extremely unhappy in a controlling marriage where whatever he did, he was in the wrong, was stupid, pathetic, everything was his fault. He was told what to wear, what to do/say and even then, he would be in the wrong and nothing was ever good enough. He'd spend weeks being deliberately ignored for no reason he could find out. But he thought that he had to stay, even though he was on the point of making concrete plans for suicide.

He met someone who spoke to him nicely, listened to him without any suggestion of there being a romantic aspect - one early evening, he was dreading having to go home from work because he was going to be ten minutes late thanks to a bus delay (it would inevitably cause his wife to shout and scream at him) she put her hand on his shoulder and told him 'You don't have to feel like this'. He fell in love and within three weeks, he moved out rather than lie.

As it turned out, that person was even more abusive and it was a complete disaster, but she had given him the feeling that he wasn't worthless and a means of escape other than ending his life (he left with nothing but the clothes on his back).

Needless to say, his XW still hates him for it, whilst not remembering that she made his life a fucking misery.

I didn't start dating him until I'd known him for over a year.

My STBXH had an affair in what I thought was a happy, committed and loving relationship. It was absolutely devastating and hurtful to me.
Do I think he's a bad person? No. I think he had personal struggles and made very bad choices to solve them. I have forgiven him.
Would I want to be in a relationship with him or with someone who had cheated on a marriage? Absolutely not.
In many ways I feel sorry for him as he doesn't seem to be capable of the loyalty, commiment and love that is required to sustain a long term relationship. He's not bad. He's just pitiable and prone to self-delusion.

Sorry, but it's so so so so simple. But not what anyone wants to hear!

Nobody has to have an affair. If you fall in love with someone else you always have the option to finish your current relationship honestly, before you do anything about the new person - if nothing else because you clearly aren't committed to your current partner if you wish to go off with someone else. So even if you finish your relationship and then nothing comes of the new one, you still did the right thing by - well, everyone really.

Cheaters are bad because they do the exact opposite of this, and it makes a mockery of every relationship in the triangle... including their own relationship with themselves. They take the coward's way through. They check out the new before they jump, check they've got a soft landing coming, and cheat on the current partner. Maybe they simply cheat for fun and excitement. Either way, they say to everyone 'I come first. I don't care if you get hurt, in fact I am going to hurt you and treat you like an arse, because I'm making sure I get the easiest ride.'

So yep cheating is bad, just bad, never 'complicated' or 'accidental' or 'just somehow happened'. Just bad. Because it's always a choice to shit on someone because that's easier than a difficult decision.

You would be a person doing a selfish shitty thing to your DH who doesn't deserve it. Try putting yourself in your DHs shoes and see how you would feel. If you're not happy in your marriage do something to improve it or leave but don't be an cheating asshole

I don't think it's ever a good thing to do because the potential for hurt feelings is so high but I do think there are shades of grey...

For example, I've had sex with someone while I was still in a relationship with someone else. The relationship was in its final weeks and 'D'P was horrible to me; so other than losing the moral high ground I didn't feel guilty and I don't really feel like it makes me a bad person and I never told him (he wouldn't have cared tbh).

Another ex-DP on the other hand was the sort of person who could do the full on double life thing where you just happily carry on with two people and lying your bum off. That sort of cheating I think you need to be some kind of sociopath to enjoy.

Nothing is black and white when it comes to relationships and marriage.

All the posters condemning someones personality just for thinking about another person sexually or romantically are being totally unrealistic.

Fancying someone else doesn't mean you love your partner less..it means you are human being reacting in an entirely normal way.

Having an affair..well anyone who's ever had one will claim all sorts of mitigating circumstances..neglect, abuse, reciprocal betrayal etc. I think it takes a huge level of dishonesty to carry one on though, and duplicitous behaviour is not an exactly endearing quality.

Always wondered, when two people get together after cheating on their partners/spouses..do they ever trust each other? they know for a fact that their partner is capable of deception . Would seem weird to me.

To be fair I judge the OP character more, because if her asking these questions.

She is wanting to know how far sue can push it without being considered a bad person. She is planning and calculating. That's the bit of an affair that is damaging.

We all fancy other people from time to time. That's not an issue for me. What is an issue, is the pushing or boundaries. The 'I fancy this person, wonder what they think of me.' The ego boost people want from knowing that person fancies them too. The conversations that all step over the mark, the hiding of inappropriate texts etc.

All whilst hiding this from their partner. They are putting their ego boost in front of their partners feelings.

It's all the planning and hiding that's the issue. And the OP is right in the middle of doing this. More bothered about wether she would be labelled a bad person or not.

It's not the feelings that make you a bad person, it's the acting on it.

It's betraying the trust of someone you love, who you vowed to be faithful to.

It's the effect it will have on your children, that makes you an evil person.

One of my parents had an affair, I will never trust them again. It may not have been me they cheated on but we were lied to and manipulated together. It was knowing that they missed my birthday to spend it with the other woman, his beha hour has had a massive impact on my entire adult life.

So yes, one kiss, or a date, or even just a flirt make you a bad person.

SuePerbly I totally agree with you and if my DH starts to behave like an arsehole, my stance would be completely different. My comment was solely coming from the perspective of my marriage as it currently stands. I have no judgment on anyone who is unfaithful to a wanker. They deserve everything they get.

My dad had an affair. He was deeply unhappy. So was my mum. But he stayed because it was the 80s and there was no 50/50 then.
He was a sahd- again likelihood of getting rights = pretty fuck all.

I actually feel sad for him. I met her many times, they were friends. She eventually moved to the other side of the country and just gave up and married someone else.

Then obviously a few years later mum and dad divorced anyway.

All seems a bit of a fucking waste. But I guess I’m glad I had my dad around. As an adult I wish he hadn’t stayed and been so unhappy. And I think I’m pragmatic enough to know that he was stuck between 2 bad choices. And took the path of least resistance.
I think he regrets losing her.

@EverdeRose
No one cheats on someone they love in that moment. In that moment they don’t love the person. They might think later “oh shit I love that person” but in that moment they don’t.

Impo.

Yes an affair would make you a bad person.

Falling out of love with someone and into love with another no.
Either fix the issues in your marriage or leave it.

If having an affair officially makes you a Bad Person, there are an awful lot of Bad People in the world.

Of course we can't control our feelings. It is what we choose to do that matters. If you've made a commitment to one person, then you don't break it without consequences. Does this make you a bad person? If you think a liar is a bad person, then yes.

I've just been reading about prostitutes in Sierra Leone. One described a situation where a man negotiated having sex without a condom. He then ran off instead of paying her (I don't know why she hadn't told him to pay in advance). Then when she tried to get the money he owed her, he beat her up.

On a less extreme note, I have met more than one man who has lied, misled, gaslighted, repeatedly broken promises and then ghosted. So yes, I do think that some people as are near inherently "bad" as makes no odds.

YABU

@UnaCorda
Slightly misses the point.

Self-declared good or nice people aren't usually good or nice at all.

I think it can happen to a good person, yes. But a good person realises they are doing wrong and stops it. And if someone has another affair...nope...not ok. It is possible to believe the 'star crossed lovers' stuff. Once. For a while. But if we are in adult relationships, we need to grow up or really hurt people....

And something that is harder to predict...but perhaps the worst thing for the affair perpetrator is...you become somebody that you dislike. You see yourself as a liar. You wonder if you are fit for honest relationships. You lose closeness with people around you because you are hiding what you are doing. That is very very hard to live with.

As others have pointed out we are a mixture good and bad we are all complex

Lust is powerful, laws and religion have tried to control people but it doesn’t put people together and some for whatever reason will start some form of relationship

Some people are are considered great and good people in history had affairs

When you are having an affair your actions are selfish does that make you a bad person or a bad person to be in a relationship with - i think the second but the first well there is so much more about us than being a partner/spouse

Good and bad don't exist. Morals are social constructs designed to make living in groups easier. Living in groups protects us and allows us to be more successful as a species. We are not innately good or bad. Our moral code is developed as a reaction to the world we live in, our socialisation and experiences. People who are "good" are only good because it fulfils a need for them or serves a purpose in someone. There is no such thing as true goodness.