To think it's a complete waste of time being nice, kind and friendly?

[malificent7]

Especially in the workplace. People dont respect kind people. I do try to be friendly without too cloying or nosy. I still get treated like shit.
I think people prefer people who are aloof
Or at school the popular people were those who inspire fear rather than the 'nice' people.
Noone likes a wet blanket or on the other extreme a complete scrooge but aibu to give up on friendly and be aloof instead?
And tbh i cant help what my true soft , sensitive nature is...i think people take advantage of this.

I think you are right mate.

Most people suck.

True...i cannot stand people...maybe that comes across?

Well I think sometimes the issue is that people have a really different interpretation of behaviours. Your 'nice' is someone else's 'doormat'.

Nice/friendly with boundaries is the trick. Give what you actually want to give and no more. If you resent it once given, or it's given conditionally, you didn't really want to so don't next time.

I’ve largely given up on people. I’m polite but distant. I really can’t be bothered any more after some not so positive experiences.

You only need to look at how people act in public and how they speak to customer service staff in shops etc.

Nice/friendly with boundaries is the trick.

^ this

I pride myself on being nice, and I will not let a few arseholes change me. However, I only give what I can/ want to give. I don’t let people walk all over me, if a person tries to take advantage I won’t help them in future.

My default is kind until I’m given a reason not to be.

I have been considered a socially distant person my who life. Actually I'm just painfully shy and have GAD.
It used to really bother me, but nowadays I see the positive. Nobody pestering me to babysit or commit to other long term annoying bordering on cheeky favours that my more approachable and kind friends seem to get regularly suckered into.
I like being aloof!

Who is treating you badly, and in what ways?

At my work people who are friendly, but not noisy/spending too much time talking, and kind in their interactions seem popular.

It’s sad that people take advantage of nice folk, I have the same trouble and have had to really toughen up.

When I think about people who are respected in my office, it’s always people who are friendly enough to be approachable (by those junior to them, senior to them and their peers) but who are detached enough to be fair and rise above office drama. I think there’s an art to getting the perfect balance (and I don’t remotely claim to have it myself!)

Nobody likes a wet blanket but equally nobody likes the person who won’t put themselves out even slightly for anyone ever. I don’t need to know every detail of my colleagues life, but it’s weird to spend 40 hours a week with someone and not know anything at all about their life outside work.

When people treat you like shit, the problem is usually with them, not you, so I wouldn’t change your behaviour based on a few arseholes.

At work i am a student and treated badly as a result.

The thing is to be nice for yourself not for others, I pride myself on being kind friendly approachable, but if someone wants to be a rude dick I ignore them.
I am often helpful I can be friendly but firm.
Maybe it is as I got older, I use to be sensitive to how others felt about me, now I don't give a shiny shit, take me or leave me.
You be surprised how even the dicks respond when they realise, you kindness shouldn't be mistaken for weakness.
Stay true to your own standards.

Nope - can't stand rude, insensitive, inconsiderate coworkers. They're not popular, although they sometimes think they are. I like kind people, both as senior managers and in my teams. I'd go the extra mile for them in a way I wouldn't bother for others. I've let a few shitty people walk into work-related elephant traps I could have warned them about but chose not to bother based on their behaviour to others.

As others have said already, being nice doesn't mean being a doormat. If you have clear boundaries, you can afford to be nice.

What's wrong with being both friendly and aloof? It seems to get the results I want and wins good feedback in (anonymous) performance reviews. Treating people like human beings doesn't mean you have to become their best friend.

I suspect our expectations of the workplace are different. We're not there to be popular and to make best friends - we're there to do a job. I intentionally have no close friends at work, don't share my inner life with colleagues, and don't accept Facebook friend requests from work colleagues or contacts (I divert them to LinkedIn). All my actual friends are very deliberately in the outside world.

I can honestly say that I have never found that to be the case.

My friends are in the outside world too but it would be nice to be treated nicely in work too.

I think you can be nice but have boundaries. I’m nice at work but I say no and stand my ground if I have to.

Generally we are who we are because of our personality and experience rather than from choice.

I won't stop being kind and thoughtful because someone treats me badly because I won't let them dictate my behaviour

However being kind and thoughtful does not make me a walkover - I am also assertive. I am happy to ask others to help me as I am to offer to help them.

I will say no if a request is unreasonable or I have a different priority at this time.

I will try and help someone find a solution rather than just taking over if they are struggling.

I come up with ideas to help solve problems and I don't get upset if these ideas are not taken up because they are ideas not advice.

Generally I don't find people to be rude or unkind. Sometimes people seem thoughtless, because they have their own priorities which are not mine.

If I ask someone to do something and they say no or make an excuse I accept that and am not upset. They don't have to help me and again they may have a different priority.

Some people do try to take advantage. After not helping me when asked they expect help. My response, the first time, is to say, 'well I can do 'x' but not 'y' as I am still behind from not being able to get 'A' finished yesterday.

If it happens again the response is 'No, sorry I can't not this time', which will be repeated until there has been a change in their support of me. or others.

Probably won't work in every situation but it has worked well for me most of the time

I love nice people and I've been very lucky to meet a lot of them in my 50 years. Yes there will always be arseholes but don't let them bring you down to their level.

Are you a student in a healthcare capacity? I think sadly those environments can be very unfriendly to students.

I read the book the subtle art of not giving a F*ck- it honestly was a game changer for me.

I used to be above and beyond for anyone and everyone- I was a people pleaser but it just left me drained, I felt unappreciated and taken for granted mainly.It's okay to be nice, but I put my needs first. If it doesn't suit me I say so.

I think the thing to remember is that you are NOT responsible for how people treat you. You are only responsible for how you treat them in return. So, hold your head up, be nice, be kind, be helpful, be brave and don't EVER let anyone make you feel like that is a weakness. It's not, it's real strength.

You misunderstand. You have to be kind but have self assurance/confidence/boundaries.

People sometimes mistake how to be kind as being a doormat or trying too hard with people. You can be kind and still not invite or accept bad behaviour from others.

Absolutely. The most selfish and unkind people I know are the ones who are better off in every sense of the word. They always seem to come out on top. It definitely doesn't pay to be a good person. 😐

Yes...in healthcare...then they moan about staff shortages.....hollow laugh!

I must be selfish and unkind because I’ve never been treated badly by anyone and have always done well in work etc. 🤔