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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's a complete waste of time being nice, kind and friendly?

103 replies

malificent7 · 20/05/2019 18:01

Especially in the workplace. People dont respect kind people. I do try to be friendly without too cloying or nosy. I still get treated like shit.
I think people prefer people who are aloof
Or at school the popular people were those who inspire fear rather than the 'nice' people.
Noone likes a wet blanket or on the other extreme a complete scrooge but aibu to give up on friendly and be aloof instead?
And tbh i cant help what my true soft , sensitive nature is...i think people take advantage of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 20/05/2019 20:14

Sadly if you say no at work the P45 can be delivered!

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 20/05/2019 20:15

Never been treated badly?! What is your secret?

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/05/2019 20:17

Things changed for me when I stopped giving a shit.

Hopeygoflightly · 20/05/2019 20:20

Kindness is never a waste. Ever.

DisappearingGirl · 20/05/2019 20:20

These are all good tips about boundaries etc, however ... from what you've said it may not be anything you're doing at all, it may just be a bullying / unpleasant environment. From what I've read healthcare can be bad for this, especially if you're a student or a junior employee.

If that's the case, maybe you're best off keeping your head down while you finish your studies and then looking for somewhere more supportive to work. I think different organisations or even different teams can vary loads. Good luck!

thecatsthecats · 20/05/2019 20:22

Weirdly, thinking about it, I'm not sure anyone at my work ticks all three boxes of "nice, kind and friendly" - feels grim thinking of it like that!

Thinkinghappythoughts · 20/05/2019 20:26

It shouldn't be usual to be treated badly at work. Respect should be underlying in all interactions. I have worked in places where there has been a toxic atmosphere. I've left the job and got out.

Two things that the OP says. First she is a student. In that case is there no option to leave? That always makes it harder, as you feel trapped.

Second it's in healthcare with staff shortages. That sounds like most people are stressed. And stressed people can be horrible people.

Maybe it would help looking at from the bigger perspective. It is not a normal situation. It will be over one day. Later when the OP is not the lowest in the pecking order, she'll treat others with respect.

Good luck OP. It's tough being in a job with shitty coworkers.

Happyspud · 20/05/2019 20:30

Malificent, I really don’t know. Nobody has ever crossed me or spoken down to me. I think being self assured and not afraid to put my hand up and say I’m stuck or struggling with an issue means nobody has any ammunition maybe. On top of that when someone is being a bit arsey I REALLY don’t see it as my problem, it’s always about them. So I can either offer help or walk away if that’s more appropriate and not be affected but I honestly can’t think of the last time someone tried something rude out on me. I also tend to have always had people who champion me in work and I know they wouldn’t tolerate anyone being shit to me. In any case, I’m usually the team leader in my work over the years so my team also looks after me for whatever reason. I’ve always worked with loyal decent people. Maybe just lucky but I do see people around me suffering sometimes (never at my hand) and I can see they are vulnerable due to their own behaviour and confidence levels. It’s wrong that it makes them a target but they never understand that their own way of interacting has a knock on effect.

PrincessTiggerlily · 20/05/2019 20:32

I think the most popular people are the witty, funny ones. So if you could lighten up OP and make some light hearted quips you'd do better.

fizzysci · 20/05/2019 20:34

Being nice doesn't achieve anything.

LadyRannaldini · 20/05/2019 20:35

As a teacher I lost count of the number of times that I said 'Excuse me' on the corridor and got the response, 'Whywotyerdun', naturally from the thicko brigade.

Tableclothing · 20/05/2019 20:36

Come back to the other thread you posted about this. People want to help you, but they didn't have enough information.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. It won't last forever. Most workplaces are not as horrible as you describe - there are some good ones out there.

Happyspud · 20/05/2019 20:36

Jesus Fizzysci, you can’t really believe that. What is the point to any human interaction if it’s not based on kindness.

Original poster
malificent7 · 20/05/2019 20:37

I've tried going down the humour route! Maybe i'm just not funny.

OP posts:
Ravenclawclassof84 · 20/05/2019 20:49

Don't let some arseholes drag you down. As long as you like and respect yourself, nobody else matters. I think some arrogant, mean types may seem quite popular but really it's because other people would rather stay on their good sides out of fear, not genuine admiration of them. Be you!

Charley50 · 20/05/2019 20:54

I really like my colleagues in education and it's personality that helps you get on with others. We work in a college though, and it has been noted many times, ironically, how rude and unkind the Health and Social Care students are to each other, and how unempathic (?) they often are. It's weird.

AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo · 20/05/2019 21:04

Thought it would be NHS. Sadly it can be a really shitty, unfriendly, unsupportive place for students. I experienced and then once qualified saw a lot of coldness towards students. I think it’s the very weird hierarchical culture as the worst offenders weren’t always the busiest. As a result, I always made an effort to chat to the students on my shift and be friendly, but am now off sick myself with stress - probably because I tried to be a people pleaser - and contemplating a move into independent midwifery. I don’t know how far you are from qualifying, but it did improve significantly (albeit not enough for me personally) once I qualified. I also found some wards, hospitals etc more welcoming than others. It might be worth looking at finding a qualified role away from where you trained, clean slate etc x

Original poster
malificent7 · 20/05/2019 21:25

But why students? Bizarre as they need more people in the profession.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 20/05/2019 21:41

Maybe they are trying to teach resilience, if you are a student of medicine. I heard it is similar for young solicitors, lots of young professionals are tested to their limit.
Remember the treatment when your fully qualified, expect toughness with kindness from your juniors.
Keeping in mind most of these were at the same starting block at one point.
Good luck keep going, don't change. Flowers

Original poster
malificent7 · 20/05/2019 21:44

I have learned resiliance in the outside world. Ironically, they are all kind to eachnother so no longer need to be resiliant.

OP posts:
Boffing · 20/05/2019 21:46

Is this a TAAT? I thought the same and it saddens me.

Original poster
malificent7 · 20/05/2019 21:50

TAAT?

OP posts:
LazyLemur · 20/05/2019 21:54

Kindness is never a waste. People remember you for how you make them feel. The people you work with are surely evidence that there is not enough kindness in the world.

I'll give people the benefit of the doubt one or two times to allow for bad days/weeks. If it is clear then that it is a pattern, I don't bother with them at all. That usually brings the worst ones round eventually.

People always think I'm going to be a doormat when they meet me, but I question unpleasant and unfair behaviour and openly stand up for others. Then I am accused of being "scary" or epic crime to britishness "direct" Hmm.

I don't give a shit. If you don't have the capacity for kindness, or even politeness when I am polite to you, I won't respect you and won't have time for you. Same if I see you treating others badly.

Be kind, but don't take any shit.
And please don't let bastards crush your kindness. There isn't enough of it around.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/05/2019 21:55

Ironically, they are all kind to eachnother so no longer need to be resiliant
Sorry I thought it was senior staff, making training tougher.
In that case they're just rude dicks not making you feel welcome.
Same advise, don't change, use your experience to be kinder to students in the future.

Herland · 20/05/2019 21:56

You say you can't stand people, but are nice and friendly. Perhaps people feel you are not being authentic.

I think being "nice" and being "kind" are two very different things. In my line of work I often have to come across as authoritative and direct, but I am never unkind. I suppose it is about really knowing yourself, knowing your boundaries, and respecting yourself. It's also about accepting that at work you don't need to be everyone's friend and that's OK. If people are bullying you or treating you disrespectfully, call them on it. Not with a big scene. I have found taking someone to the side and saying something like "When you did/said X, I felt it was disrespectful/unprofessional. It would be better for both of us if we can have a respectful working relationship so if you have any problems with me or my performance please bring it up with in private or bring it to my line manager" - maintain eye contact.