To think it's a complete waste of time being nice, kind and friendly?

[malificent7]

Especially in the workplace. People dont respect kind people. I do try to be friendly without too cloying or nosy. I still get treated like shit.
I think people prefer people who are aloof
Or at school the popular people were those who inspire fear rather than the 'nice' people.
Noone likes a wet blanket or on the other extreme a complete scrooge but aibu to give up on friendly and be aloof instead?
And tbh i cant help what my true soft , sensitive nature is...i think people take advantage of this.

DH's DGM always used to say with a twinkly smile "people are shit dear" .

'Pleasant with boundaries' strikes the right balance for me.

OP - yes. YANBU.

Yes YABU.
Not my experience at all.
It is never a waste of time to be kind.
I respect kind people.
As far as I'm aware the overwhelming majority of people respect kind people.
Why would you prefer someone who was aloof ?

You are completely right. In fact, I'm even mocked for being "too nice".
I try my best to always be kind and never gossip about anyone, stick up for people and just generally not be a horrible person yet get no recognition.

I wish that I could be more assertive!

*Kindness is never a waste. People remember you for how you make them feel. The people you work with are surely evidence that there is not enough kindness in the world.". That's not always true. It is when I have received, definitely not when I've only given.

I'm always described as nice but I had an epiphany (after being taken for a mug once too often)& don't do doormat any more. Its left a few cf's reeling in shock at work as I went too far the other way & turned into my Dad the other day (he was fiercely intelligent & could sum up & annihilate people with one sentence if they pissed him off). I've now learnt to email a polite corporate eff off, or draft a firm polite no in my head before I let them have it, rather than just knee jerk react & destroy them verbally. It's a learning curve to find a happy medium if you've spent years being soft & a walkover.

You are nice and people treat you like shit so I don't bother any more.

Surely you remember how you felt when you gave and didn't receive though?

None of us will be remembered in 100 years time. Surely it is better to be kind and make people around you feel good now and be known for that.

If they turn out to be an undeserving dick, you don't have to continue, do you?

It's a shame to change your entire behaviour towards people because of a few people who don't deserve you.

Be kind until they give you reason not to, then ignore them and crack on with being your best.

'Nice' is almost meaningless IME.

Most people (whether they admit it or not) think that they are nice. Everyone knows their own complete record sheet of all the kind, loving things they do, and their own justifications and internal reasoning for the things that aren't nice. So the person at work you think is a tosser in all probability thinks that they are nice, too.

Tbh, you said you were nice, kind, sensitive, and soft.... then "I can't stand people."
Maybe people sense a certain fakeness?

I don't think you are wrong at all op.
We teach our children to be kind and respectful of others when it feels like everyone else teaches their kids to put themselves first and f... K everyone else

There’s a way to do both. Be kind
Don’t take shit
Seem confident
It’s all a bit fake it till you make it.

It’s learned. You can go on YouTube and literally learn it.

And if you don’t really like people. They know. Unless you’re clever as fuck. So they probably don’t like you back

But you can learn that on YouTube as well.

Well i can't stand people as they don't repay my kindness...i get grief. Catch 22.

Therein lies your problem,

You think kindness needs repaying. You need to think more strategically than that. Or just be selflessly kind and not care.

You can’t do both

You don't like people and think kindness is something people have to repay? Yeah, that's not kindness. That's reciprocal altruism, which is fine but not the same.

People have done nice things for me and I haven't 'repaid' them. I have done kind things for people who haven't 'repaid' me. It all comes out in the wash.

Well i can't stand people as they don't repay my kindness

I agree with JustBreathing - that shows that you aren't being kind.... you seem to want to enter in to some sort of transaction. That isn't really what kindness is.

However, you can still be kind and not be treated badly. I, and everyone on my team is kind. We are nice people. That doesn't mean people treat us badly. In fact people are very positive about us.

What I want from colleagues is professionalism and a certain amount of collegial give and take. You sound rather confused.

I am not the good samaritan or Jesus so I guess kindness is a transaction..absolutely. i get cynical.

Agree. The only people I love and like are my children. I don't really bother with anyone else. I've got a dog as well and will likely get another next year. That's all the love and interaction I need thanks.

I would add, you’re idea of a kind act might not be seen that way by others.

Perhaps sit and look at your acts of kindness and think about them, they might have put you out a lot, but to others it’s standard. Or you might think what you did was important, but to others they didn’t notice.

I have a friend who is a bit like you. Lovely, but just doesn’t get some subtle nuances and tends to err on the side of thinking that everyone is using her and is ungrateful and unkind. But we all know it’s not that black and white.

Self awareness is a great trait.

Oy, I have BSc in Health and Social Care (Econ) Hons and I am lovely! 😉😊

I am less of a pushover as I get older but I do try to find the best in people.
I think society has changed immensely since I was a child in the 1960s, we were encouraged to be kind and to think of others in school and in society, though was brought up people who lived a Christian life so my experience may be coloured by that. (Some Christians, not so kind, sometimes!)
We were so fortunate to have the Welfare State and appreciated it as we knew stories of the first hand experiences of our parents and grandparents. I volunteer with refugees and asylum seekers and they seem to see this country as very kind and caring while I worry about them being treated badly
Luckily I know lots of lovely people in my life, but I am often surprised at the lengths people will go to get one over on others.

It’s like what I tell my 10 year old. She’s a softie, a people pleaser. She sees the good in everyone which has led to her being used and picked on. I’m trying to teach her resilience (I think) I don’t want her to change she’s perfect as she is but she needs to toughen up and not let others walk over her and take advantage. I consider myself a strong person. I don’t allow anyone to walk over me but I think I’m kind and definitely helpful. I don’t expect everyone to be the same. I don’t help others so they help me back. I understand there are shitty people but that’s their problem and I rarely give them a second thought. Fool me once and all that. op if you feel your colleagues are bullying you then you need to do something about that. However if you’ve discovered that the world has lots of unkind, unfriendly or just plain nasty people, you need to separate how you behave from how they behave. Let them be horrible etc Don’t change who you are or act differently. If you’re a good person keep doing that and block out the arseholes