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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's a complete waste of time being nice, kind and friendly?

103 replies

malificent7 · 20/05/2019 18:01

Especially in the workplace. People dont respect kind people. I do try to be friendly without too cloying or nosy. I still get treated like shit.
I think people prefer people who are aloof
Or at school the popular people were those who inspire fear rather than the 'nice' people.
Noone likes a wet blanket or on the other extreme a complete scrooge but aibu to give up on friendly and be aloof instead?
And tbh i cant help what my true soft , sensitive nature is...i think people take advantage of this.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2019 00:37

How old are you, out of curiosity?

Orchidoptic · 21/05/2019 00:57

YABU. It does depend on where you work and I’m sorry that you are unhappy, but your statement is a load of tosh.

I’ve tried going into work grumpy and unfriendly and I’ve tried going in all smiles, niceness etc. The latter made me much more happy and in my current role in a call centre makes it a lot easier to build up a rapport with customers and get on with my co-workers.

You say you work in healthcare. Who would patients prefer to see? A grumpy person or someone who actually appears to give a damn?

Ihatehashtags · 21/05/2019 01:27

No I do t believe so! Keep being nice, everyone will notice but maybe they just aren’t a saying it. I

managedmis · 21/05/2019 01:36

Dunno really.

If you're nice to men they think you're flirting. Nice to women and they think you're a pushover.

Hard to get a balance really.

I've experienced far too much office politics : there's always drama and psychology involved.

Have to say though, men are easier to work with than women.

I've definitely become more reserved as I've aged, and I voice my opinion less because you can't trust anyone at all.

Youtoldme · 21/05/2019 01:53

I think people can mistake kindness for weakness unfortunately 🙁

ByStarlight · 21/05/2019 07:12

I think YABU. To be honest, I’m quite horrified at some of the work experiences pps have had. In 25 years of work, across 8 different organizations, I have never found this to be the case.

In my experience, in every rule I’ve had, I have been consistently praised and promoted based on my core strength of being good at working well with others - I’m regularly complimented on my kindness, helpfulness, flexibility, openness and friendliness to others. The ability to get on well and collaborate with colleagues and customers from different backgrounds and from all levels of the organization - from the cleaners to the senior directors - has been the main reason for every promotion I’ve had. I’m now in a senior position and can attribute this to my ability to get on well with people.

Conversely, I’ve seen time and again the people who are rude to others or often cause conflict and who harbour resentment and can be deliberately obstructive, that these are the people who get passed over for promotion opportunities or sidelined during reorganisations.

Strong people skills and the ability to make others feel at ease and valued, is a huge asset- in any workplace.

PrincessTiggerlily · 21/05/2019 07:17

Is your being kind actually all about you. So you want people to like you, you want people to appreciate all your kindness, you want people to be kind to you. If you stopped concentrating on yourself and paid attention to everyone else it might help.

Adversecamber22 · 21/05/2019 08:21

Some examples of your niceness and some examples of why you think your colleagues aren’t treating you well would be useful. Your giving very closed down answers without any real information. Maybe you are short of time but you dont come across very well. Maybe there are some communication issues overall at work?

Siameasy · 21/05/2019 08:54

I think in life be appropriate. I see on SM that “be kind” is what parents are teaching their children (particularly girls hmm) but I think it does translate as door mat when the parents are telling the child to be kind to their bullies etc

Ohyesiam · 21/05/2019 08:58

I think this is why I’m largely self employed.

BossAssBitch · 21/05/2019 09:25

I am nice at work but I am respected. You can be a decent person but not a doormat. Don't change into an arsehole due to other people's bad behaviour.

Orchidoptic · 21/05/2019 10:39

No man that I have met in my twenty-odd years at work has ever thought that me being kind meant I was flirting.

BloodyDisgrace · 21/05/2019 11:34

There is no wrath like the wrath of a kind person who was treated like a doormat.
No, it is better to be kind than not. You just have to be able to defend yourself.

Pgqio · 21/05/2019 11:44

I think you just have to be better at spotting takers. I always like to be helpful but the minute I feel taken for granted I pull back and stop being so accommodating.
I remember years ago I always got into work 30 minutes sharp, I'd collect the office keys, open everything up and get the kettle on all in my own time.
One morning my lift cancelled and I got in 5 minutes before normal starting time and was met with an angry barrage of complaints from my colleague because she arrived to a locked office and no coffee.
Needless to say I never got in early again.

Mumofone1593 · 21/05/2019 11:54

I'm currently giving loads of things away for free online to help people and the amount of rudeness I get. On more than one occasion I have had email saying they want me to get my free stuff and drive it to them so they can then decide whether it is up to their standards?! It's flipping free, I work, am disabled and have a baby and I'm meant to just drive around town with heavy appliances. When I said exactly that to a particularly rude man he just sent me back a question mark! I do feel like giving up on trying to be nice as it never pays off! At my work I am the most qualified education wise and have worked there and have more in work experience than both my manager and my managers manager but never been promoted as y work prefer the young boys and girls who go out drinking with them.

fannysonfire · 21/05/2019 12:07

OP i was a student nurse in the NHS 20 yrs ago. We were treated like scum then 90% of the time! Some places we never even had a name except "the student".......and then certain wards moaned to the school of nursing no one from said school applied for a job there after their training!

And they wondered why.......

I left the NHS

fannysonfire · 21/05/2019 12:11

Back then we were marked on placements, so no matter how badly you were treated or just didnt like where you were, you had to act super nice/ interested/ grateful and everything !! Didnt dare moan except amoungst ourselves in quiet corners away from placement. Was hoping that mentality had changed.

Polarbearflavour · 21/05/2019 12:50

Being a student nurse is awful, I hated all my ward placements. I was always “the student” and was basically an unpaid healthcare assistant for 3 years.

RetroFair · 21/05/2019 14:05

It's a difficult balance. I always endeavour to be polite, friendly and kind at work but have a line manager who I feel constantly under attack from and who is rude and aggressive in many of her dealings and interactions with me. I continue to try and be polite and friendly but after 6 months of this have more than had my fill. I left my previous company last year after 19 years to escape the bullying culture there and feel it's out of the frying pan into the fire. Sadly in my experience being polite, kind and friendly gets you nowhere. If we didn't have bills to pay i'd be long gone Sad

AnalyseThis · 21/05/2019 15:01

I'm currently giving loads of things away for free online to help people and the amount of rudeness I get.

I know what you mean. It's weird but also pretty funny if you can take a step back.

I gave away loads on local freecycle-type sites last year when clearing out our house before a move. I'm used to the no-shows but it was amazing how many who responded to ads then asked if I could just bring the stuff round to them, sometimes setting and missing a pick-up time before contacting me with this question. (As I don't drive, was working more than full-time and didn't necessarily have childcare for DD, the answer was automatically no.) When I was selling items, some of the responses were equally bizarre. The best was probably the the guy who sent me an email about how greedy and cruel I was for pricing my three-year old microwave at €40 when he had managed to pick up another model by the same brand for €25 (photo attached) and he hoped this would teach me a lesson!

Lemonsqueasy · 21/05/2019 15:16

If you're being nice with the principle purpose of getting something in return, you're wasting your time. If you're nice because you are naturally interested in people and care about their happiness, you will get something in return - either they'll be nice back, or you'll have learnt who to avoid.
Absolutely despise the 'being nice gets you nowhere' line and have never heard it from a genuinely nice person.

Original poster
malificent7 · 21/05/2019 21:41

Well it's a bit disheartening when i am open and kind to people as i genuinely want to connect with them and i get cold snubs and rude comments back in my face.
One colleague even shouted at me as i asked her a perfectly normal question...she shouted.." how should i know! " ..gosh...she is hard work.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 21/05/2019 21:44

The normal question being...where should this patient go jow.
I get asked questions then when i get the answer the wrong they dont elaborate or when i ask a valid question as im.interested i get blanked. Then they moan that im not taking info in...as they werent providing me with the info. So wearing.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 21/05/2019 21:46

Now

OP posts:
SteelRiver · 21/05/2019 21:55

Don't change how you are. You're a far better person, being polite, kind & friendly, than the others you describe. Don't sink to their level.