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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think ‘don’t worry, you go’ is the sensible answer to this?

109 replies

LoopyLou1981 · 19/05/2019 23:08

Having a crappy time of it at the moment. Self esteem on the floor. Mental health taking a bit of a beating.
Middle DB is having a significant birthday and has arranged an area in a local (to him) pub for a bit of a celebration next weekend and I’ve psyched myself up for it).
PIL agreed to overnight childcare so we could both go out and not have to worry about early mornings.
They agreed this months ago. Since then DMIL has needed (routine) surgery and is now recovering. I mentioned to DH that this is likely to impact on childcare offer. ‘Absolutely not, they’d never let us down, don’t worry about it’ etc
Now, a week before, it’s looking unlikely. Best option is they’ll come to ours to watch the kids for a few hours which will probably give us 2 hours at the party.
I want to make it clear that this is in no way DPIL’s issue. They do an amazing amount for us and are lovely people.
But AIBU to think that DH’s response should be ‘you go, it’s your family’? (Actual response was slightly aggressive and the complete opposite of this!)

OP posts:
CruellaFeinberg · 20/05/2019 07:33

Sorry OP, unless your dr can prescribe leaving him, then you're probably out of luck

Quartz2208 · 20/05/2019 07:39

Oh OP there is a lot more to this I feel

First off in most relationships it would not need to be said. The fact that he has and aggressively and is making you feel you shouldn’t go is awful and yes I suspect a cause of a lot of your anxiety

What is your support system like

Original poster
LoopyLou1981 · 20/05/2019 07:42

If I left I wouldn’t be able to do my job (weird hours - we split the drop offs / pick ups for childcare) which would mean no income, no way of paying for a new house etc. I’m not putting the kids through that. They have a nice life and to me that is worth more than anything.
I know I sound weak and stupid but I really just want the kids happy and safe and they are x

OP posts:
SolitudeAtAltitude · 20/05/2019 07:44

Really, OP?

Shoxfordian · 20/05/2019 07:46

You're not happy though. He sounds like a complete dick. Your children watch your relationship, they'll look for similar patterns as they grow up. Is this what you'd want for your daughter ?

MLMhun · 20/05/2019 07:47

Omg typical MN “abusive”, “controlling”, “LTB” responses over the slightest thing 😂😂😂😂

He’s upset he’s missing a night out, that’s all!

SunshineCake · 20/05/2019 07:52

Don't medicate yourself to cope with living with this bullying man.

SunshineCake · 20/05/2019 07:54

They aren't happy and safe. They are confused and scared as they see their dad being mean to their mum and hear their dad shouting at their mum.

You get one life. He must have a big wallet or be amazing in bed for you to sell your soul for this.

GPatz · 20/05/2019 08:00

'He’s upset he’s missing a night out, that’s all!'

He needs to find a more adult way to express that.

Gigglinghysterically · 20/05/2019 08:00

OP, you shouldn't just want your kids to be happy - you need and deserve to be happy too.

When you see your GP specifically ask for counselling as this will probably help you immeasurably. You need to work on building your self-esteem now.

I agree with previous posters that you should be the one to go to your DB's special birthday while 'D'H looks after the DC. You've been invited because you are his sister and DB will appreciate your sisterly qualities. Thinking your DB will prefer your H to go because he is more fun may well be more a sign of your low self-esteem than reality.

Do go and enjoy celebrating your DB's special day. (Perhaps try and stay later than you would usually and prove your idiot husband wrong).

Skittlesss · 20/05/2019 08:02

Tell him to go to the party.

Whilst he’s out you can pack his stuff up ready for him to go back to his mum & dad’s.

You don’t need his nastiness. Life is hard enough without putting up with him.

Loopytiles · 20/05/2019 08:07

Living with an emotionally abusive H is bad for your mental health.

It will also be shit for your DC.

Shadycorner · 20/05/2019 08:08

Bloody hell what is wrong with these entitled menchildren?
This is the third thread I have read this morning when the bloke in the relationship can only consider "me, me, me". Makes my blood boil! Angry. Hope you give him what for find a solution op Flowers

banivani · 20/05/2019 08:15

They aren’t happy if they have a father who wishes they didn’t exist so he was free to go on heavy drinking nights out. They’ll know.

Boom45 · 20/05/2019 08:15

I was upset at missing a night out recently @MLNhun - similar situation, a friend of my husband's was having a party i was really looking forward to and our babysitter let us down. You know what i did? I (light heartedly) pouted a bit to get some sympathy points then told my husband to enjoy himself and cheered myself up with a solo film and a takeaway at home.
I didn't berate him or blame the children for exsisting. Because I'm not a twat.

Zampa · 20/05/2019 08:17

To be honest they probably wouldn’t mind if he went instead. He’s the ‘fun’ one

This really stood out for me, in your posts, OP. I've no doubt that you are fun and that your family enjoy spending time with you. Don't let your DP let you feel inferior. Look after yourself.

GertrudeCB · 20/05/2019 08:23

Ig you need something to sort your low mood I'd recommend getting away from the selfish, bullying arsehole you're married to.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 20/05/2019 08:24

What a wanker.
I have been in a similar situation though. DP took the kids to my sisters birthday party, afternoon bbq thing. I arrived a few hours later after work to find our youngest wasn't very well. I scooped kids up and took them both home. It wasn't until I got home, and youngest vomited that I realised I should have been the one to stay at my sister party!

Missingstreetlife · 20/05/2019 08:29

Let Pil babysit till 10. Tell them their son is an arse.
Both go to party, you come home, but tell everyone he's an arse.

sackrifice · 20/05/2019 08:30

I agree, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and this will only get better once you leave the bastard.

JenMumma · 20/05/2019 08:34

Tell him to go to the party whilst you pack his shit. Pfft !

chamenanged · 20/05/2019 08:39

To be honest they probably wouldn’t mind if he went instead. He’s the ‘fun’ one

Well he isn't though, he's a horrible cunt. And it's vanishingly unlikely that other people don't notice that, even if he's somehow made you believe that he's superior to you.

AlaskanOilBaron · 20/05/2019 08:41

Your husband is a cunt. Sorry. Flowers

diddl · 20/05/2019 08:46

Well he's a nasty piece of work, isn't he?

Hope that you can find a way to leave.

thegreatcrestednewt · 20/05/2019 08:57

‘you go but I’ll be fucking angry and go out for the rest of the weekend’ and ‘this is the kids fault, we could do what the fuck we liked before them’
He’ll do it but the anger and grumps that will go with it just won’t make it worth it.

This is really horrible His responses are very unreasonable. Yours was normal.

I’m off to the drs later to see if they can prescribe something to sort my anxiety and low mood out

I'd prescribe a divorce. He sounds vile. And abusive. Honestly I bet that if you left him, your MH would improve loads.

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