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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think ‘don’t worry, you go’ is the sensible answer to this?

109 replies

LoopyLou1981 · 19/05/2019 23:08

Having a crappy time of it at the moment. Self esteem on the floor. Mental health taking a bit of a beating.
Middle DB is having a significant birthday and has arranged an area in a local (to him) pub for a bit of a celebration next weekend and I’ve psyched myself up for it).
PIL agreed to overnight childcare so we could both go out and not have to worry about early mornings.
They agreed this months ago. Since then DMIL has needed (routine) surgery and is now recovering. I mentioned to DH that this is likely to impact on childcare offer. ‘Absolutely not, they’d never let us down, don’t worry about it’ etc
Now, a week before, it’s looking unlikely. Best option is they’ll come to ours to watch the kids for a few hours which will probably give us 2 hours at the party.
I want to make it clear that this is in no way DPIL’s issue. They do an amazing amount for us and are lovely people.
But AIBU to think that DH’s response should be ‘you go, it’s your family’? (Actual response was slightly aggressive and the complete opposite of this!)

OP posts:
ElfridaEtAl · 19/05/2019 23:25

‘this is the kids fault, we could do what the fuck we liked before them’

Yeah, I'd be leaving. Vile bastard.

OwlinaTree · 19/05/2019 23:26

Sounds like he's disappointed to miss out and isn't expressing it well (understatement of the year). He really needs to apologise for those awful comments about your children.

How about you go for a few hours and come back when you've had enough and then he goes later on? I'm assuming it will go on quite late with dancing etc?

Merryoldgoat · 19/05/2019 23:26

The more I read the more I think he sounds like a real idiot. What are his redeeming features?

Please don’t say ‘he’s a great dad’ and then detail how he constantly mistreats you...

clairemcnam · 19/05/2019 23:26

Nobody should be talking to you in that way, never mind someone who is supposed to love you.

jessicawessica · 19/05/2019 23:28

Why is it the DCs fault? Did he not want children?

BlueSkiesLies · 19/05/2019 23:28

Was he this awful before children? I assume not.

He’s not doing much for your happiness OP.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/05/2019 23:29

He sounds like a nasty, selfish, insufferable dickhead.

I’ve got to stop reading Mumsnet so much. So many women in such shit relationships. The men behave like selfish, entitled wankers and yet they’re defended as ‘great really’ and ‘great dads’ when actually no. No, they’re not.

Sorry OP. Hope you tell him you’re going and he has to deal with it.

RainbowMum11 · 19/05/2019 23:29

Well, he sounds like a twat.
Your brother, you go. End of.
He needs to grow up though, if he's always so selfish then he needs to know you won't put up with such behaviour.

NewAccount270219 · 19/05/2019 23:30

He can be great but, if a night out is involved, he does turn into a selfish twat 🤷‍♀️

Ie, he can pretend to be nice unless it actually inconveniences him or involves some mild self-sacrifice from him, in which case he isn't. That isn't 'great' at all.

Original poster
LoopyLou1981 · 19/05/2019 23:30

I have suggested the tag team sort of plan but it’s quite a journey so to do it with both of us getting anything out of the evening would still need some sort of childcare.
I guess I’m just thinking the way I would which is ‘your brother, you go’. He’ll do it but the anger and grumps that will go with it just won’t make it worth it.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 19/05/2019 23:30

‘He can be great’.

Yes. When he chooses. To keep you on your toes. Keep you guessing. Keep you trying to work out what you need to do to make him ‘nice’.

Nice people are nice. They might have off days, they might feel low, but they don’t mistreat people, especially not ones they love.

I bet your self esteem would pick up without him around.

llangennith · 19/05/2019 23:31

People don't 'turn into a selfish twat'. he IS a selfish twat. Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

NewAccount270219 · 19/05/2019 23:31

He’ll do it but the anger and grumps that will go with it just won’t make it worth it.

What other things don't you do because he makes it 'not worth it'?

Merryoldgoat · 19/05/2019 23:33

He’ll do it but the anger and grumps that will go with it just won’t make it worth it.

Do it. Go. Have a great time and then when he fucks off for the rest of the weekend enjoy your time alone. Heavenly.

Jaimemai · 19/05/2019 23:36

Christ, all the abbreviations. I was thinking "PIL" - that is an in law, hmm not mother in law , father in law, brother in law, sister in law, is it "Pa in Law? Aha parents in law! My brain is tired

sheepsheep · 19/05/2019 23:36

Having a crappy time of it at the moment. Self esteem on the floor. Mental health taking a bit of a beating.

It's not hard to see where the source of this could be, is it?

He’ll do it but the anger and grumps that will go with it just won’t make it worth it.

I don't think he can be great at all. He just knows which buttons to press to keep you sweet enough so he can continue to have his own way at your expense.

Trebla · 19/05/2019 23:38

It sounds like if he reacts like this the joy balance in his life is out or he is an alcoholic.

Firstly, if you are going to bail at 10pm, what's the issue? Unless you want to stay out longer in which you get veto as it's your family.

Secondly, have you clarified actual babysitting parameters with PiL?

Thirdly you guys need to have a chat about how you get you need met consistently so things like this are not a flash point.

number1wang · 19/05/2019 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackPrism · 19/05/2019 23:42

My DP would have offered to stay as soon as it was a Q that his parent may not be able to. Are there other areas in your life where he things he constantly takes precedence?

TheABC · 19/05/2019 23:43

Do you ever get to go out socially, alone? How is your leisure time shared out? Is he usually angry when he does not get his own way?

The only reason I can see why he would sulk is that you get the night off and he will not - this can be easily solved by offering to watch the kids when he goes out with his mates at date.

Otherwise, this behaviour is done to get you back in your box.

jessicawessica · 19/05/2019 23:43

He sounds/is controlling.

Peopleshouldread · 19/05/2019 23:51

YANBU.
The correct response is your brother, you go.
You know the grumps are deliberate to illicit the response you've given won't make it worth it. The minute you comply - he'll be off to the party leaving you with the kids.
Go. He minds the kids. He learns to deal with the odd disruption to his social life which he won't if you pander to the strops.

IlluminatiConfirmed · 19/05/2019 23:53

I think you should ask him to stay with kids, state clearly that you want to go and why, and say that you'll really appreciate it (and maybe return the favour?). If you don't feel comfortable asking this then something is off. But if you simply expect him to mind read just because you can't make an effort to explain that's not really fair either - not everyone in your situation would place such importance on this event - it's not as obvious as it may seem to you.

powershowerforanhour · 20/05/2019 00:28

It'll be a heavy drinking night. Something I lost the ability to do a loooong time ago! He sees it as a ‘waste’ me fling when I’ll leave at 10 pm at the latest

Um...so he thinks there is no point going to a party unless you are going to get minging drunk and stay half the night? I used to think this. When I was a 19 year old student. Going to student parties.

clairemcnam · 20/05/2019 00:36

His threat to go out all weekend if you go to your brothers is extremely childish and an attempt to control you.
OP please go to your brothers party. The more you write the more I think you should go alone and leave him to babysit.

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