AIBU to think ‘don’t worry, you go’ is the sensible answer to this?

[LoopyLou1981]

Having a crappy time of it at the moment. Self esteem on the floor. Mental health taking a bit of a beating.
Middle DB is having a significant birthday and has arranged an area in a local (to him) pub for a bit of a celebration next weekend and I’ve psyched myself up for it).
PIL agreed to overnight childcare so we could both go out and not have to worry about early mornings.
They agreed this months ago. Since then DMIL has needed (routine) surgery and is now recovering. I mentioned to DH that this is likely to impact on childcare offer. ‘Absolutely not, they’d never let us down, don’t worry about it’ etc
Now, a week before, it’s looking unlikely. Best option is they’ll come to ours to watch the kids for a few hours which will probably give us 2 hours at the party.
I want to make it clear that this is in no way DPIL’s issue. They do an amazing amount for us and are lovely people.
But AIBU to think that DH’s response should be ‘you go, it’s your family’? (Actual response was slightly aggressive and the complete opposite of this!)

Yes OP should go but she knows there will be consequences to pay, so is probably reluctant to make things worse.

Then OP needs to consider her longer term future.
If you don't go OP because you are worried about the consequences, this will set a pattern for the future where he has the power to control what you do socially.

I'm really shocked to read this and I think it is manipulative, controlling behaviour on the part of your dh. Is he like this in other aspects of your life?

Also - of course it should be 'you go, it's your brother'

No wonder you're suffering anxiety. Pls have a look at the freedom programme online.wishing you all the best

Would your family not think it was completely weird if he went instead of you? I can't imagine they like him very much.

chamenanged that's what I was thinking. It's incredibly weird if due to childcare (rather than ill health) the non blood relative goes instead of the sister!

Every time a thread like this happens, a poster explains some (usually absolutely vile twattish) thing their DH has done but within a few posts hastily adds how great he is, what a great dad, what a great DH they are, how lovely...

Why? If he were "great", he would have said: your brother, you go. Instead, he's having a petulantly childish tantrum which includes being absolutely vile about your children. He's not great. He's a selfish manchild who can only be decent when it doesn't cost him anything.

It's your family, that's ridiculous! He seems very alcohol obsessed and mean. Why should you not celebrate your brother's birthday becuase you don't want to get drunk?

Jesus. Why would you put up with that?

Well yes its your brother so you go. Your husband should babysit. Why would he want to go instead of you??! That's weird! Or you both go just for two hours?

We have the rule in our family that if only one of us can go because of babysitting then it’s the person who is closest to the host who gets to go. And when we go to a joint event and someone has to drive, 99% of the time it’s me because I’m not a big drinker, but I get first dibs if it’s my friends. The other person might express disappointment in not being able to go in a ‘dammit that’s a shame’ sort of a way, but no guilt or emotional blackmail.

Do you feel able to go on other evenings out without him, or is he always like this?

What a selfish prick! Tell him to stop acting like a child. And seriously consider if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man.

Or, could you tell your brother what's been happening and arrange for your family to be very clearly unimpressed (and tell your DH how selfish he's being) when your DH shows up without you?

Jesus Christ. OP you clearly understand what a normal partnership should look like because you know you'd tell him to go. So why put up with someone who's treats you like that? And no its not ok but he's only like that when a night out is involved or because sometimes he's lovely etc etc

He's vile

I was going to ask if he has a drink problem too.

Wow that's not just poor responses from him, they are vile.

Reminds me of my exh unfortunately.

He's nasty, especially about your kids. Why be with a man like this? He has horrible views and is so selfish.

Tell him to go. Use the time to pack his stuff and tell him to return to his parents house. Taxi the stuff there.

He's horrible. You and your kids deserve better.

What a prick he sounds. Selfish and nasty and controlling.

Any normal husband would be saying go, stay for the weekend, I’ll stay with the kids.

Let him go then lock the door haha

To be honest they probably wouldn’t mind if he went instead. He’s the ‘fun’ one.
Nice to know I’m not being unreasonable though.
I’m off to the drs later to see if they can prescribe something to sort my anxiety and low mood out. Maybe I’ll have the energy for a fight after that. I’m just so run down and tired at the moment that I haven’t got any fight left in me.x

I'll prescribe you something, the single life. He sounds HORRIBLE OP.

Medication won’t make him less of an arsehole. If counselling is on offer, grab that with two hands.

Oh OP - you sound so unhappy.

Honestly, he’s not a nice person.

Why do you stay? What situation are you in?