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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told 6yo the truth.

464 replies

malm275 · 19/05/2019 05:50

Sorry it's a party/invite kind of thread....

DD is celebrating her 6th birthday next week. Every party that she has had so far has been a massive family/friends event with at least 30+ children to cater for. This year things are a bit tighter financially so dd is having a small cinema party with 6 invited guests from school and a couple from out of school that we are particularly close to. Dd is delighted and so excited. And we are massively relieved I'm getting whinged at left,right and centre by the 'uninvited' but that's a different thread Hmm
The one thing I asked dh to do this week was give the school invitations directly to parents and not give them to the teacher to hand out. Which he promptly did. Again, another thread Wouldn't necessarily be a huge problem but there is a girl at school, who will call herself dd's best friend, but actually is mean, pushy and very dominating over my daughter. And many other children School are aware and I have been trying to give my daughter the tools to deal with this kind of behaviour.
Long story short, she has been awful to dd this week about not being invited (she has never been invited to any of dd's parties anyway). Dd has left school in tears every day because this girl has been pressuring her each day for an invite, I know that I'm not bu to leave her out, dd doesn't want her there and I have given dd the option to just add her to the list, which was thankfully met with a very firm no, so I said we would just have to ride this one out and that dd didn't have to feel bad about her right decision. I floated the idea of inviting girl round for a play date to see if we could do some kind of relationship building but dd was unsure and I don't blame her, I don't really want this girl invading dd's safe space at home.
So anyway, this girl came out of school on Friday and asked me very loudly 'can I come to dd's party'. I replied 'no, sorry not this time'.
She asked why and I said 'because you are not very kind to dd'
Girl then burst into tears and ran off to her mum who gave me a filthy look as did half of the playground I went to go and talk to her but she walked off before I got there and I wasn't going to chase after her. I've always dealt with school with these matters they have asked me not to approach mum as they like to deal with things and have never even spoken to this girls mum as we are not normally on the playground for the same pick ups.
It's been on my mind all weekend. Girl obviously has some issues (not SEND as far as I know- but obviously I would never like to assume) and I try to be understanding of this but felt like I just wanted her to be told the truth about her behaviour for once and realise a consequence. Should I have just sugared the pill, said that it was a little party and not everyone could have an invite? That I couldn't afford it?
I work in a school and think that I am just getting so wound up with the constant pandering around some children and parents there that maybe I took out my frustration on this little girl.

OP posts:
starsparkle08 · 20/05/2019 19:38

I would have just told the little girl you couldn’t invite everybody .

It’s not nice she’s being unkind to your daughter but without seeing exactly what is going on at school it’s impossible to have the full picture of what her behaviour is actually like .

To those who say my child with SEN isn’t unkind and they should no the difference etc . You are fortunate to not have a severely disabled child whose behaviour can be highly unpredictable . My son has autism adhd and learning difficulties . He attends a specialist school and even with small numbers there requires constant 1:1 . His multiple diagnosis can make his behaviour explosive and yes this can be unpleasant . However none of his behaviour is pre meditated it is very much in the moment . Doesn’t make it easy to manage however it would also be wrong of someone to speak to him like that as much of his behaviour is sadly beyond his own control . ( he’s 7 and 2:1 when out with staff in community other than when with me )
I’m just hoping things get easier with time as it’s incredibly hard. I probably get judged for being a bad parent . It’s upsetting but I know that I do my very best and sadly some people won’t ever understand our life as they fortunately haven't been dealt the hand we have

ElevenSmiles · 20/05/2019 19:41

You should have spoken to the mom...Why didn't you ?

DecomposingComposers · 20/05/2019 19:43

You should have spoken to the mom...Why didn't you ?

Because the school told her not to.

mbosnz · 20/05/2019 19:44

Personally, if I've got a child in my face demanding an invite, I'm going to respond to the child. Especially if the mother is being exceedingly backwards in coming forwards. The child asked a straightforward question. She got a straightforward answer. Job done.

ElevenSmiles · 20/05/2019 19:45

OP isn't a pupil is she....

Youseethethingis · 20/05/2019 19:47

“Because you’re not very kind to DD” is about the mildest form of the truth that could have been delivered to this child.
I’m not sure if I could be so measured when my child’s bully was brazenly attempting to bully me in the same way. If this gives her mother a shock into addressing her child’s behaviour then it’s not a bad thing at all.

perplexedagain · 20/05/2019 19:49

Good god - does school really have time to deal with all this? OP let it go now - you did nothing wrong. Yes you could have said it's a very small party but actually it is also fine to tell the truth. In a way it probably makes more sense to the girl in question - if you had said small party she may still have wondered why she wasn't invited.

I tell my DC when they are being mean / not very nice and I am well aware that other children are told the same - there is nothing wrong with this, it's part of learning

boobirdblue · 20/05/2019 19:49

*You should have spoken to the mom...Why didn't you ?

Because the school told her not to.*

Although dealing with the child directly was probably not what they wanted either. They may have assumed "we will deal with it" to encompass don't deal with the child either 🙄

WillLokireturn · 20/05/2019 19:50

Don't apologise for being factual and brief , when the other girl came out and tried to continue bullying DD and you, by badgering you for an invite and not taking a soft no for an answer. She needed to hear that no and demanded a reason. You named the behaviour very factually and not the child. Even Year R learn about 'being kind' and get consequences at school if they are not.

So anyway, this girl came out of school on Friday and asked me very loudly 'can I come to dd's party'. I replied 'no, sorry not this time'....She asked why and I said 'because you are not very kind to dd'

School only need to deal with bullying at school of your DD. Please forgive yourself as it didn't sound nice to be put in that position, all the stress knowing this girl is making your DD cry regularly, but really since the other girl attempted to continue bullying by demanding to come, in front of your DD, it was a natural and fairly measured reaction. You don't need to wear a hair sack and apologise to anyone. Other girl didn't like hearing no. Ho hum.

Ps.
If my DC had ever behaved like bullies and were told no you've not been kind, I'd think "fair enough" and talk with my DC quietly later about how they are behaving. (Of course I wouldn't let my DC go up and loudly badger another child or mum on way out of school about why they aren't invited to a party! I'd have intervened straight away to redirect her and ask her later why they thought that was appropriate or acceptable!!)

WillLokireturn · 20/05/2019 19:53

Tbh. I'd be following up the bullying this week with an email to school, asking for their bullying policy and what they are doing to minimise impact in my DD and saying she is coming home crying. That's the issue here. And school should be best placed to deal with that aspect.

I hope DD is ok and feels better that Mum wasn't bullied either and was straight forward about it.

legalseagull · 20/05/2019 19:56

You publicly shamed a 6yr old. The irony of saying she's not kind!

DistanceCall · 20/05/2019 19:57

@JaneEyre07

Thirdly, it's not your place to tell any child off at school. Let school deal with any "bullying".

The OP didn't tell anyone off. The other girl asked her a question and she answered it.

I was bullied quite seriously from a very young age. Attitudes like yours still give me the rage, after all these years. It's not "bullying", it's bullying. It's something serious. And it needs to stop.

WillLokireturn · 20/05/2019 19:58

Agree with you @DistanceCall , well explained!

mbosnz · 20/05/2019 19:59

You publicly shamed a 6yr old. The irony of saying she's not kind!

She answered a six year old's question. The answer might not be one she enjoyed hearing, but that's the way of it. Actions - consequences.

WillLokireturn · 20/05/2019 20:02

PPs are reacting to the bully crying. But the bully attempted to continue bullying and was told no and why ("because you are not very kind to DD") only when pushed. It is exactly what she needed to understand. Factual and brief. The fact child cried is far more likely to be in response to being told no and realising there was a consequence she couldn't roughshod over, far more than any aspect of the delivery.

GeeksCanBeMumsToo · 20/05/2019 20:03

YWNBU! If you don’t stick up for DD, who will. If the kids got balls enough to bring it to an adult about being left out after your DD telling her why then she’s got to learn that she’ll hear the truth. I hope your DD remembers this and feels more confident in future.

JaneEyre07 · 20/05/2019 20:12

Attitudes like yours still give me the rage, after all these years. It's not "bullying", it's bullying. It's something serious. And it needs to stop

I cannot believe that people are defending a grown woman making a 6 year old cry.

Since when did 2 wrongs make a right? Sad

Original poster
malm275 · 20/05/2019 20:13

Hi! Nothing exciting to report...

I wasn't on the school run today but spoke to the headteacher (she was waiting for me) after I picked my dd up from after school club. HT didn't seem horrified about what I'd said but agreed it was a waiting game in terms of what next. She has arranged to meet with me about the issues I have been experiencing, and also seemed a little peeved at the teacher giving out the invites anyway as school policy is not to do this. She knows that it goes way beyond a simple fall out over a party but still, could have been avoided!

My friend thinks I grossly exaggerated that half the playground was staring at me (I don't think the numbers are important... enough people heard) and also says that the little girls mum was very aware that she was badgering me (although it was over so quickly I'm not sure how she could have stopped it)

I'm still in two minds about it all really but will post if anything more happens - dd came out of school with a smile on her face today but says that girl hasn't bothered her as much as she was kept in at playtimes (for an unrelated reason) so we are not out of the woods yet x

OP posts:
Pantsomime · 20/05/2019 20:14

OP don’t over think it - the tears were proorelated to being told no rather than why. Let it go and DD knows you have her back. It’s easy to unpick stuff afterwards but really you didn’t bawl her out or tell her she was horrible just that her behaviour towards DD upsets her

Pantsomime · 20/05/2019 20:16

Sp - proo= prob. OP Cross post- hopefully it will all die down

Bollockwort · 20/05/2019 20:20

The OP's goal was not to make the child upset or make her cry. I think she dealt with the kid pretty mildly - she stated that the child may be able to be invited next time on the condition that she be kinder to her daughter in the future. The child only cried because she didn't get her own way.

Bullying in the UK is really awful, and attitudes on this thread about 'letting the school deal with it', 'perhaps the girl has SEN/additional needs' (with no real basis to suggest this), 'you upset the girl' are precisely why. You tend to pussyfoot around the fact that a child is harassing another and then like to claim that the victim 'must have done something' or should 'build some resilience'. It really gets my goat.

In other cultures children are called out for being horrible to one another - all adults are responsible for bringing up children to be kinder towards each other.

Why should addressing bad behaviour only be mediated through the bullies' parents or the school (who often do absolutely nothing in the UK). In fact many schools actively encourage bullying by telling children "not to tattletale/tell on others" or through consistently ignoring or minimising bullying behaviours.

In my school, the bullies were all popular and the teachers actively displayed how much they liked the bullies (because the bullies were extraverted, often intelligent, and confident)! We'd go to a teacher to report bullying and then be told "so and so is a nice kid really, just spend more time with them and you'll see". I.e. "Piss off and stop coming to me with your problems".

OP you were in the right. Behaviour like this needs to be nipped in the bud, because in the UK the teachers do nothing and the parents rarely see their children for what they really are.

DistanceCall · 20/05/2019 20:34

I cannot believe that people are defending a grown woman making a 6 year old cry.

The OP did not intend to make the other girl cry. The girl asked a question, trying to manipulate the OP into inviting her to the party. The OP told her the truth in a rather polite and mild manner - that the consequence of being unkind to other people is that you don't get invited to their parties.

That crying is the sound of Veruca Salt being told no, possibly for the first time in a very long time.

WillLokireturn · 20/05/2019 20:37

@malm275
Good.
I'd have said the same
as HT. Don't worry about fall out. Nothing bullying in what you said and especially in response to a badgering child still trying to bully as detailed. I'd listen to your friend too. No one likes to feel they've been unkind to a child but you really haven't. You said no and gave same answer a teacher would have said to why a child couldn't do a treat they'd been told was now off the table. Please stop second guessing yourself.

WillLokireturn · 20/05/2019 20:38

@DistanceCall
^^ this

helpmum2003 · 20/05/2019 20:40

OP one of my DC was bullied at primary school and I suspect I'd have said similar under the circumstances. I'm sorry your DD is going through this. Hope your meeting with the head is productive.

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