To have told 6yo the truth.

[malm275]

Sorry it's a party/invite kind of thread....

DD is celebrating her 6th birthday next week. Every party that she has had so far has been a massive family/friends event with at least 30+ children to cater for. This year things are a bit tighter financially so dd is having a small cinema party with 6 invited guests from school and a couple from out of school that we are particularly close to. Dd is delighted and so excited. And we are massively relieved I'm getting whinged at left,right and centre by the 'uninvited' but that's a different thread
The one thing I asked dh to do this week was give the school invitations directly to parents and not give them to the teacher to hand out. Which he promptly did. Again, another thread Wouldn't necessarily be a huge problem but there is a girl at school, who will call herself dd's best friend, but actually is mean, pushy and very dominating over my daughter. And many other children School are aware and I have been trying to give my daughter the tools to deal with this kind of behaviour.
Long story short, she has been awful to dd this week about not being invited (she has never been invited to any of dd's parties anyway). Dd has left school in tears every day because this girl has been pressuring her each day for an invite, I know that I'm not bu to leave her out, dd doesn't want her there and I have given dd the option to just add her to the list, which was thankfully met with a very firm no, so I said we would just have to ride this one out and that dd didn't have to feel bad about her right decision. I floated the idea of inviting girl round for a play date to see if we could do some kind of relationship building but dd was unsure and I don't blame her, I don't really want this girl invading dd's safe space at home.
So anyway, this girl came out of school on Friday and asked me very loudly 'can I come to dd's party'. I replied 'no, sorry not this time'.
She asked why and I said 'because you are not very kind to dd'
Girl then burst into tears and ran off to her mum who gave me a filthy look as did half of the playground I went to go and talk to her but she walked off before I got there and I wasn't going to chase after her. I've always dealt with school with these matters they have asked me not to approach mum as they like to deal with things and have never even spoken to this girls mum as we are not normally on the playground for the same pick ups.
It's been on my mind all weekend. Girl obviously has some issues (not SEND as far as I know- but obviously I would never like to assume) and I try to be understanding of this but felt like I just wanted her to be told the truth about her behaviour for once and realise a consequence. Should I have just sugared the pill, said that it was a little party and not everyone could have an invite? That I couldn't afford it?
I work in a school and think that I am just getting so wound up with the constant pandering around some children and parents there that maybe I took out my frustration on this little girl.

How did the school run go this morning?

One of the girls in my DD’s class is like this: she will aggressively question me about when she can play with DD. And the answer is I don’t want her at our house and neither does DD. I have always fudged the answer. But if parents will allow children to badger other adults in a rude fashion, they have to expect that their child will, at some point, be told some home truths. Sounds like this is what happened here.

You say you dont know if this child has SEND or not, so realistically she could! the need to control friendships and not understanding when another child is or isnt your best friend is very typical of many children with ASD. To many this will just looking like a very bossy controlling kids. She may be the later of course! However if your childs school have truly been working with you daughter and this other little girl to improve the situation, id have expect to have seen an improvement by now. The fact that hasnt been, could well be quite telling.

With regards to your daughter being in tears every day after school last week? did you go into to school last week to discuss this? i totally understand why you would feel upset and frustrated. What i dont understand is why you have taken your upset out the girl, id be furious with the school and her parents in all honesty. Why didnt you say this to her mum instead?

The OP hardly "called out" the child in question. She was being badgered by her. It's not like she verbally ripped into her either, I think her response was quite good.

Why didnt you say this to her mum instead?

The OP says school told her not to talk to the mum.

Why should the OP have to explain herself to a 6 year old? She wasn't invited to the party - end of the story. Her mum needs to explain to her and manage her disappointment, not OP.

YAB a bit U. She's only 6. Why didn't you say you didn't have space and if your DD has a problem with her talk to her parents.

Why should OP have to explain anything to a 6 year old?

Does the school get time for any teaching with all these squabbles to manage?? Also you should consider how would you feel if another adult spoke to your DD like that? You shouldn't judge other parents. For all you know her mum might be regularly having such conversations and be feeling fed up and frustrated. There are also 2 sides to every story so you don't know what her mum is being told about your DD. It's a horrible situation.

Nothing wrong with how you handled it. I’m always truthful with my kids and I’ll be truthful with other people’s. At the end of the day she is harassing your DD and being a revolting child. Maybe it’s about time she learned there are consequences to one’s behaviour.

I think YANBU to not invite her, but YWBU to have told her the truth, perhaps saying that there couldn't be more than 6 would have been all that was necessary. Now an older child, maybe the truth would be helpful, but a 6 year old? That was a bit cutting tbh. I can understand why you did it though.

How is "because you are not very kind to dd" cutting?

Cutting would have been "because you are a rude little girl", or "because you are nasty/mean/a bully".

The OP said exactly the right thing.

The OP has done the child, and her mother, a favour imo.

I think YANBU. Probs done the girl a world of favours long term

I see nothing wrong with the way you handled this. You were truthful and unequivocal. It was easy to understand.

I wonder if the other girl's mother realised her DD was approaching you to try and demand an invitation? If she did then she should have stopped her from doing it. If she didn't then she should have apologised to you as soon as she heard what her cheeky brat DD was saying.

I'd let it slide now. No need to contact anyone about anything.

I agree with u

Firstly you are way too invested in your DDs school life and friends.

Secondly unless you inviting the entire school year, party invites should be given out discretely to parents and not kids. It's really unkind to the kids left out who at 6 aren't going to understand that you can't afford it.... I used to run a playgroup and I banned parents from doing this. Do it on your own time.

Thirdly, it's not your place to tell any child off at school. Let school deal with any "bullying".

YANBU I would have answered with exactly the same thing. If she’s bold enough to approach an adult she barely knows and ask for an invite to a party then she’ll have to deal with the reply - tough titty I say!

You did the right thing,for your daughter,and yourself. I wouldn't feel bad about anything at all. Hope your daughter has a great party,,and hope that no bullying will take place later, and hope the other girl can understand things,without any stupid nonsense from anyone.

I'm of the opinion if the 6 yo is capable of bullying the OP's child to the extent she comes home in tears every day, then she is certainly capable enough to hear the truth. Her bullying tactics were blatant and deliberate. When my daughter was 6 she was so bullied by a class mate that she "wished she could die" - my daughter that is, not the bully. I have no sympathy for bullies, of any age.

Oh dear OP - I think you were definitely out of line. This child is only 6! (What @dashoflime said was spot on). You, however, are an adult and fully responsible for your words and actions - including the context in which you chose to deliver them. You owe an apology in my view.

JaneEyre07 1)the OPs DD is 6 how uninvested should she be?! 2)The OP asked her DH to give out the invites to the parents he gave them to the teacher. 3) the OP did not tell the CF girl off she gave the reason she wasn’t invited when the girl pressed repeatedly for an invitation whilst the girl’s mother stood there and let her!

I think that was presented in terms that a six year old can understand. Personally, if someone felt the need to say that to my daughter, I'd be asking my daughter why. . .

But one thing that our primary principal used to say (I was on the Board of Trustees, so party to some ins and outs) was that in every situation where bullying was accused, BOTH parties would be adamant that they were the victim. And I bet it would be the case here too. . .

From clairemcnam:
I admit I too would be taken aback at a 6 year old questioning me like this when they don't know me. That tends to show IMO a 6 year old with a strong sense of entitlement and inappropriately high self esteem.

This^!! I find it unbelievably rude and entitled that this 6 year old^ thought she could rock up to you, an adult, and confront you in this way!! Appallingly rude little madam! I think you have done her and her useless mother a massive favour but beware! OP. Be prepared for the back-lash! I would email the teacher:

“Further to our repeated discussions regarding behaviour towards DD, I am afraid I have something to report. You may be aware that dd is having a birthday party which is very small as we are trying to cut back this year. Naturally, given her behaviour, has not been invited but has taken this amiss and she has proceeded to make dd’s life a misery because of it. Not once this week have I picked up a daughter who is not in tears because of the horrible behaviour that this has provoked and this evening confronted me in the playground demanding to know where her invite was. I am afraid that I rather snapped due to the constant worry and stress of having a distraught dd and told her that the lack of invitation was due to her being mean to dd. I am fully aware that this was probably not the best way to tackle it but we have had a miserable time since the invitations went out and whatever measures you are kindly undertaking on our behalf seem not to be working. I would be grateful if you would keep an eye on the situation and let us know how to proceed. I would love to be able to pick up a child who is, just occasionally, not in floods of tears. I feel certain that mother will be in touch with you and I just wanted to give you the ‘heads up’ on what happened. Kind regards.

How’s that?!

Stop over thinking, give yourself a break the girl asked you because she doesn't get told no from adults (my guess). She thought she'd have a go with you because your dd wasn't folding. You might not think so but it sounds like saying no may be a lesson hopefully learnt. You cannot get your own way all the time

As the victim of bullies, I would have loved it if my mum had spoken to the bullies on my behalf, like the OP did.

I think her response to the girl was entirely proportionate.