To have told 6yo the truth.

[malm275]

Sorry it's a party/invite kind of thread....

DD is celebrating her 6th birthday next week. Every party that she has had so far has been a massive family/friends event with at least 30+ children to cater for. This year things are a bit tighter financially so dd is having a small cinema party with 6 invited guests from school and a couple from out of school that we are particularly close to. Dd is delighted and so excited. And we are massively relieved I'm getting whinged at left,right and centre by the 'uninvited' but that's a different thread
The one thing I asked dh to do this week was give the school invitations directly to parents and not give them to the teacher to hand out. Which he promptly did. Again, another thread Wouldn't necessarily be a huge problem but there is a girl at school, who will call herself dd's best friend, but actually is mean, pushy and very dominating over my daughter. And many other children School are aware and I have been trying to give my daughter the tools to deal with this kind of behaviour.
Long story short, she has been awful to dd this week about not being invited (she has never been invited to any of dd's parties anyway). Dd has left school in tears every day because this girl has been pressuring her each day for an invite, I know that I'm not bu to leave her out, dd doesn't want her there and I have given dd the option to just add her to the list, which was thankfully met with a very firm no, so I said we would just have to ride this one out and that dd didn't have to feel bad about her right decision. I floated the idea of inviting girl round for a play date to see if we could do some kind of relationship building but dd was unsure and I don't blame her, I don't really want this girl invading dd's safe space at home.
So anyway, this girl came out of school on Friday and asked me very loudly 'can I come to dd's party'. I replied 'no, sorry not this time'.
She asked why and I said 'because you are not very kind to dd'
Girl then burst into tears and ran off to her mum who gave me a filthy look as did half of the playground I went to go and talk to her but she walked off before I got there and I wasn't going to chase after her. I've always dealt with school with these matters they have asked me not to approach mum as they like to deal with things and have never even spoken to this girls mum as we are not normally on the playground for the same pick ups.
It's been on my mind all weekend. Girl obviously has some issues (not SEND as far as I know- but obviously I would never like to assume) and I try to be understanding of this but felt like I just wanted her to be told the truth about her behaviour for once and realise a consequence. Should I have just sugared the pill, said that it was a little party and not everyone could have an invite? That I couldn't afford it?
I work in a school and think that I am just getting so wound up with the constant pandering around some children and parents there that maybe I took out my frustration on this little girl.

Looking at some of these posts, I'm .

I cannot believe people believe that OP's phrase to the bully is akin to the treatment her DD has received.

OP, I am 18 and not too long ago I was in a similar situation with the girl in question who made fun of me as I was underdeveloped, had learning disabilities and couldn't walk or talk properly. She made me cry daily and made me hate going to school, so I think YANBU!

Honestly, age 6 is an age sufficient enough to understand cause and effect. My three year old sister, knows if she takes a child's toy and that child cries, the crying is caused by her action.

My mother did a similar thing, albeit walked with the girl to her Mother and told her why she wasn't invited to my sleepover and expressed her concerns over the child's behaviour.

Also, how dare the bully press YOU for an invitation. That is crazy ffs, how can someone of that age badger an adult in a rude and hostile way, just because she wasn't invited to a party.

To those who think the OP was being unusual and should apologise, why should we practise mollycoddling on children? I always scoffed at people calling younger people snowflakes, and this thread actually has made me realised why!!

She needs to understand her poor behaviour and rude manner has consequences, her parents are also responsible for this.

I think this was too harsh. At 6 if she is doing wrong, then adults should sort out how to deal with the situation. She was already upset that she wasn’t invited, you rubbed salt in the wound. You should have discussed it with the mum, so she had the chance to step in.

YWBVU.

I don't think you told her 'the truth'. You told her your opinion which you admit is half-formed (you don't know if she has SEN; you don't know why she thinks your DD is her best friend) and based on your view of her relationship with your DD.
You were unkind and embarrassed a 6-yr-old in front of other parents and children.
If you think this is because of what's happening in your work then you maybe need more support there because there's no excuse to take it out on a child.

Fair play to you, seems like the teachers/mother aren't having an impact so she needed telling.

YANBU but officially it is not your job to teach this child anything, that's her parents (and life's job) so stop worrying about that.

You told her she can't come and you told her why, therefore she knows exactly what the score is. She cried because she couldn't get her own way so she's learned 2 valuable lessons:

1. you can't always get your own way
2. bullying has consequences

If she and her mother (and half the playground) don't like it, tough s**t.

You've stood up for your child and taught her the tools she will need to go forward in life... job done, move on.

I probably would have said the same. Your child comes first.
The only thing I don't quite understand is why she calls herself your child's best friend. Were they close at one point?

YANBU. Six is old enough to have learnt decent behaviour. Seriously she behaves badly and treats others meanly. It needs to be stopped. There is so much pandering with kids now. It drives me wild. Little Darlings need to be taught appropriate social behaviour or end up with no friends. I've seen it. I know people whose kids never get invited to parties or for play dates. It's bloody sad, but I've also seen those parents allow their kids to be utter rude little monsters in others' homes or cafés and even with their parents. It's ridiculous.

Making a six year old cry, even if you do think she's mean to your daughter, is not a good look.

I think YW a bit U yes. But I understand why it came out that way

At least you labelled the behaviour and not the child, you didnt say that she is an unkind person or a bully or anything, just that her behaviour towards your dd is unkind. It's all very unfortunate and could have been handled better but I don't really think you were unreasonable. (Where was the parent when pushy child was demanding where her invitation was?!)

You could have said sorry it's just a small party, maybe next time. But her behaviour would have continued. At 6 she is old enough to know her behaviour is not acceptable. Perhaps this will be a lesson for her.

Why do people keep peddling out SEN?
If my child came home crying because of what another child was doing to them every single day I wouldn't give less of a shit what issues they had. That's their parents problem. And if she does have SEN her mother should've stepped in and stopped her from asking ridiculous questions.

A 6 yo was made to cry because she didn't get her own way. This is sometimes a good things.
Children should learn that other people don't care.

I don't think you were unreasonable op. Sometimes children need to hear the truth or consequences of their actions if the parent isn't teaching them correctly.. A child of about 7 once told me that I was fat in front of their mother (and other people) who was a friend. I smiled nicely and said " i know sweetie but you are ugly and I can always lose weight" the mother understandably was quite shocked and said I was too harsh but I told her that she should teach her child not to be so rude and I wouldn't need to be harsh. I don't regret that a bit and would do it again.

Lyly

@nuxe1984 - the OP did say “Sorry, not this time” when the girl asked her directly for her invitation to the party, but the little girl didn’t accept that.

@LillithsFamiliar - the OP knows that this girl has been ‘pushy, mean and dominating’ towards her dd, and had made her cry every day - that is not half formed opinion. In the circumstances, being told she was not going to the party because she’s not very kind to the OP’s dd is pretty mild.

@tensmum1964 😱😂

DD is super kind, and really sensitive, however aged 6 she occasionally did things that others might consider unkind. She was very bad for telling children off for their behaviour, because she just couldn’t watch people not sticking to the rules and would panic about them getting in to trouble. She’s grown out of that now but if someone had excluded her and told her she was unkind, she would have been really upset. And I would have been livid.

If a parent had come to me and said what the issue was, I’d have been fine with it and would have been able to explain it in a way DD understood. In fact, it would have been great because we constantly told her if she didn’t stop, she might lose friends. (Thankfully she didn’t!)

I really wouldn’t see this as something a random parent should say to a 6 year old.

@yabbers if you allowed your daughter to approach an adult and run her mouth off then you have no right being mad at the adult.

but if someone had excluded her and told her she was unkind, she would have been really upset
Why should that be a negative thing?

Yabbers "she occasionally did things that others might consider unkind" does very much sound like you are excusing what is actually very unkind behaviour and victim blaming. I don't know your child so have no view on whether or not they are an unkind child/bully, but I have heard on many occasions this kind of thing being said by parents who's children exhibit bullying behaviour.

I think you were kind of awesome actually. Yes it was probably a bit crushing for that girl to hear it and it’s not great it was in front of other people, but that sort of shock is exactly the sort of thing that might improve her behaviour to your dd. She’s not some random who didn’t get an invite, she’s a bully. Most importantly, you role-modelled assertive behaviour to your daughter instead of taking some easy evasive option.

The school have been rubbish. They haven’t stopped the bullying. They failed to keep the invites private and shouldn’t have accepted them (Our teachers don’t accept party invites to hand out unless there’s one for the whole class, and teacher friends tell me that is standard practice). And they don’t like parents sorting out these issues directly??! What total nonsense. Every school I know has a WhatsApp group for all the class mums. If kids aren’t getting on, the parents usually message each other to try to find a way to defuse the situation, which can be a play date but can also be to tell the children they’re not allowed to play together for a while, etc.

All sounds odd. I would not rely on the teacher to defuse it. Good luck.

You say at your daughter's former birthday parties were 30+ children. You then state that this girl has never been invited. Does that mean you used to invite the entire nursery/ reception class (or 3/4 of them) but not this girl (and possible 3 others)?

@Yolande7
RTFT
Please
You have got it so wrong because you haven't rtft.

OP, I think you'll find the MN tide is turning , despite silly occasional angsty posts of POs who havent RTFT, about upsetting a bully, not realising she cried but not through your actions - but because you said No.

Crack on. And don't feel bad.

Why have so many people said "but she thinks your daughter is her best friend". Who gives a shit what she thinks, she is not a best friend to the OPs dd she is a bully. Why should anyone pander to a bully?