To have told 6yo the truth.

[malm275]

Sorry it's a party/invite kind of thread....

DD is celebrating her 6th birthday next week. Every party that she has had so far has been a massive family/friends event with at least 30+ children to cater for. This year things are a bit tighter financially so dd is having a small cinema party with 6 invited guests from school and a couple from out of school that we are particularly close to. Dd is delighted and so excited. And we are massively relieved I'm getting whinged at left,right and centre by the 'uninvited' but that's a different thread
The one thing I asked dh to do this week was give the school invitations directly to parents and not give them to the teacher to hand out. Which he promptly did. Again, another thread Wouldn't necessarily be a huge problem but there is a girl at school, who will call herself dd's best friend, but actually is mean, pushy and very dominating over my daughter. And many other children School are aware and I have been trying to give my daughter the tools to deal with this kind of behaviour.
Long story short, she has been awful to dd this week about not being invited (she has never been invited to any of dd's parties anyway). Dd has left school in tears every day because this girl has been pressuring her each day for an invite, I know that I'm not bu to leave her out, dd doesn't want her there and I have given dd the option to just add her to the list, which was thankfully met with a very firm no, so I said we would just have to ride this one out and that dd didn't have to feel bad about her right decision. I floated the idea of inviting girl round for a play date to see if we could do some kind of relationship building but dd was unsure and I don't blame her, I don't really want this girl invading dd's safe space at home.
So anyway, this girl came out of school on Friday and asked me very loudly 'can I come to dd's party'. I replied 'no, sorry not this time'.
She asked why and I said 'because you are not very kind to dd'
Girl then burst into tears and ran off to her mum who gave me a filthy look as did half of the playground I went to go and talk to her but she walked off before I got there and I wasn't going to chase after her. I've always dealt with school with these matters they have asked me not to approach mum as they like to deal with things and have never even spoken to this girls mum as we are not normally on the playground for the same pick ups.
It's been on my mind all weekend. Girl obviously has some issues (not SEND as far as I know- but obviously I would never like to assume) and I try to be understanding of this but felt like I just wanted her to be told the truth about her behaviour for once and realise a consequence. Should I have just sugared the pill, said that it was a little party and not everyone could have an invite? That I couldn't afford it?
I work in a school and think that I am just getting so wound up with the constant pandering around some children and parents there that maybe I took out my frustration on this little girl.

You didn't say anything awful to her, it was simply a statement of fact and that fact upset her. Well, too bad! This is a consequence of her behaviour and I don't believe for one moment that 6 is too young to understand this.

My friends 3 year old told another kid they weren't kind for snatching a toy he had only just picked up to play with (first he asked for it back and was told no). The other kid gave it back after that! Kids can understand kind and unkind much younger than 6. I hope it makes her rethink her behaviour!

Would have been best to sugarcoat it but you were put on the spot and the wider context given, I can see how it happened.
Definitely don't contact the mother.
I would speak to the class teacher tomorrow morning about this. Maybe say in hindsight you could have said something different but you were put on the spot, exasperated and your own daughter has been extremely upset all week. Good luck

OP, while I can get the reason for doing this, I think how you communicated with the girl was wrong.

I’m trying to imagine what this would be like if we weren’t talking about children and it was a workplace situation where one person wasn’t given an invite they expected to a team outing, queried it, and were told publicly that they weren’t invited because nobody likes them.

Just leave it. If other mum or school want to talk to you so be it but don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

Vodsel If an adult asked me why they were not invited to my birthday party when they had bullied me, it would be pretty restrained for me to say it was because they were unkind to me.

My 12 year old DD’s best friend is a loud, domineering, disrespectful, naughty, sweaty and manipulative girl. She’s an adult Queen Bee in the making unfortunately. Her life’s mapped out.

She used to hit my son. So eventually I told my DD to tell her she has to stop hitting my son, else I won’t allow them to be friends anymore.

It upset both girls, and the bully was sheepish around me for a bit, but everything’s ok now, and she doesn’t hit my son.

Age 6 or age 12, these girls needed to be told about boundaries. It should have been the mum’s job to tell that girl, but she failed so you stepped in.

The mum will be livid at what you did and might even garner people against you but meh 🤷‍♀️ you probably did the girl a favour in the long run. She’ll get over it.

Sweary not sweaty 😄

My mum did something similar OP when I was little (about 6 or 7 years old). It was the best thing she did - the horrible kid that had been making me miserable backed off and completely ignored me for the next 4 years.

At 6 this girl is old enough to know that she should be kind to others, and old enough to be shown that her actions have consequences. At the very least, she'll hopefully limit her contact with your daughter since it's now clear that your daughter does not see her as a best friend.

Obviously, in an ideal world this wouldn't have been such a public announcement, but these things sometimes come out. Your daughter is your priority, and it's hard to oversee the hurt that your own daughter is going through at the hands of this other girl. It's now up to the other girl's parents to work through the upset and teach her where she has gone wrong.

I don't see the point of lying about why she's not invited, or blurring the boundaries with statements like "maybe next time" or "there weren't enough places available" which make it sound like she could have been invited if she was even closer to your daughter. This would just encourage her to keep invading your daughter's personal space in the hope that she'll accept her as her best friend!

Don't feel too bad OP, I feel like your daughter appreciates you standing up for her.

I think it's good for kids to be upset sometimes. Good to know that other people do not give a crap about how upset you are.

I think it wasn't ideal but not that bad & she was crying due to being told no rather than being upset at being called unkind. Any fluffing is probably not going to be helpful-straight talking for someone this direct is probably better. Some 6 year olds have developed a personality that everything is about them & aren't bothered whether they're kind to others.

As a parent, kindness is one of the main things I see as being my responsibility to teach my dc. As pp said she will be aware of previous incidents from school & if there is more than 1-2 incidents of your dc upsetting another, then you have a problem imo. Perhaps the mother already knows this & is struggling with dd's behaviour so I'd say let the school know & don't approach the mother. Agree it will be good for your dd to k ow that you've got her back. Good luck

Your right to not invite her if did doesn't want to but u shouldn't have said she was unkind
Although she is mean and unkind she too is a child and you are and adult
It would've been enough just to say she couldn't be invited this time

Also as a teacher if a parent approached a child and said that for no obvious reason (as in that moment she had not misbehaved ) I would pull them up on it

I've to constantly remind parents not to bitch about other children with each other

When my dd was in primary there was a not very nice boy in her class. He tormented her endlessly. Every day she came out upset because of something he had done. Spoke to the teacher many times. Eventually dd came home distraught - the boy had been moved to sit next to her on the carpet and had repeatedly hit and pinched her. We spoke to the teacher who admitted that he had done this to most of the children in the class and that basically she was having to share him out so that no one child had to suffer it all the time.

One day this boy gave out invites to his party. My dd immediately said she didn't want to go - fine. As it turns out everyone in the class said the same and he had no one at his party.

Was that a better way of dealing with it than what the OP did? None of us said anything to the child or his mum. We weren't horrible to them. But maybe it would have been better to do what the OP did and confront the issue?

Also as a teacher if a parent approached a child and said that for no obvious reason

A parent didn't approach a child. A child approached a parent.

Maybe the child should be spoken to about having some manners and not talking to strangers?

I absolutely think the little girl needs dealing with, but not in public.

It's the parents' fault for not dealing with her, and perhaps the school hasn't done all it could at the time.

Absolutely fine not to invite her - you haven't left one child out; it's a small group. But it wasn't your place to speak to her like that in front of everyone, you should have taken it up with her mother,

Yabu to call out s 6 year old in front of the whole playground and humiliate her and her Mum.
The posts stung she hasn’t been brought up well etc, we have NO idea about the child or her background😒
Also your dd may very well perceive things as different to how they are. If you had an issue you should’ve taken it up with school discreetly. You’ve made yourself look petty and immature

One day this boy gave out invites to his party. My dd immediately said she didn't want to go - fine. As it turns out everyone in the class said the same and he had no one at his party. Was that a better way of dealing with it than what the OP did? None of us said anything to the child or his mum. We weren't horrible to them. But maybe it would have been better to do what the OP did and confront the issue?

That breaks my heart for that child, whatever he's done. The issue should have been addressed long before it got to that stage. Do you really think that would make his parents sort it out? Or would they just think you're all unkind?

Interesting how many posters suggest to go and see the mum first when the school has repeatedly told the Op to NOT go and speak to the parent.

For all we know, the school did that in attempt to protect the OP. Some parents aren’t nice themselves....

That breaks my heart for that child, whatever he's done. The issue should have been addressed long before it got to that stage. Do you really think that would make his parents sort it out? Or would they just think you're all unkind?

Why were we all unkind? We didn't plan it. We didn't discuss it. I replied that my dd couldn't go. As it happened, so did everyone else. Yes it was very sad. It was also sad that this boy basically terrorised the whole class throughout primary school. Why is that the job of the other parents to sort out? Maybe his mum should have dealt with the behaviour?

Or are you saying that I should have made my dd go to his party? Even though she cried every day because of what the boy did to her?

@Nanny0gg it is heartbreaking for the boy but I wouldn't force my child to go to the party of someone who is constantly horrid to them. I certainly wouldn't go to the party if someone I disliked As an adult.

@buckeejit I agree. Although possibly demonstrating kindness...

However I think the parents should have been involved before it got to that stage

Or are you saying that I should have made my dd go to his party? Even though she cried every day because of what the boy did to her?

No! The school should have dealt with it

No! The school should have dealt with it

They tried but it made no difference. According to the mum her son was an angel who could do no wrong.

Maybe it would have been dealt with sooner if one of us had done what the OP did? Maybe that actually would have been kinder.

It is actually pretty difficult for the school to successfully change how a child relates to other children, if their own parent thinks and says they are doing nothing wrong.