To have told 6yo the truth.

[malm275]

Sorry it's a party/invite kind of thread....

DD is celebrating her 6th birthday next week. Every party that she has had so far has been a massive family/friends event with at least 30+ children to cater for. This year things are a bit tighter financially so dd is having a small cinema party with 6 invited guests from school and a couple from out of school that we are particularly close to. Dd is delighted and so excited. And we are massively relieved I'm getting whinged at left,right and centre by the 'uninvited' but that's a different thread
The one thing I asked dh to do this week was give the school invitations directly to parents and not give them to the teacher to hand out. Which he promptly did. Again, another thread Wouldn't necessarily be a huge problem but there is a girl at school, who will call herself dd's best friend, but actually is mean, pushy and very dominating over my daughter. And many other children School are aware and I have been trying to give my daughter the tools to deal with this kind of behaviour.
Long story short, she has been awful to dd this week about not being invited (she has never been invited to any of dd's parties anyway). Dd has left school in tears every day because this girl has been pressuring her each day for an invite, I know that I'm not bu to leave her out, dd doesn't want her there and I have given dd the option to just add her to the list, which was thankfully met with a very firm no, so I said we would just have to ride this one out and that dd didn't have to feel bad about her right decision. I floated the idea of inviting girl round for a play date to see if we could do some kind of relationship building but dd was unsure and I don't blame her, I don't really want this girl invading dd's safe space at home.
So anyway, this girl came out of school on Friday and asked me very loudly 'can I come to dd's party'. I replied 'no, sorry not this time'.
She asked why and I said 'because you are not very kind to dd'
Girl then burst into tears and ran off to her mum who gave me a filthy look as did half of the playground I went to go and talk to her but she walked off before I got there and I wasn't going to chase after her. I've always dealt with school with these matters they have asked me not to approach mum as they like to deal with things and have never even spoken to this girls mum as we are not normally on the playground for the same pick ups.
It's been on my mind all weekend. Girl obviously has some issues (not SEND as far as I know- but obviously I would never like to assume) and I try to be understanding of this but felt like I just wanted her to be told the truth about her behaviour for once and realise a consequence. Should I have just sugared the pill, said that it was a little party and not everyone could have an invite? That I couldn't afford it?
I work in a school and think that I am just getting so wound up with the constant pandering around some children and parents there that maybe I took out my frustration on this little girl.

OP didnt say "you're unkind", she said the 6yo's behaviour towards her daughter was unkind. Not exactly a character assassination. And OP left the option open for this 6yo to be invited in the future on the basis or being kind towards the daughter.

The girl would have persisted asking if she wasn't told the truth

The child had been told numerous times she's not invited and won't be invited. Clearly one of her qualities is tenacity. I think it is sufficiently specific to say 'because you're not being kind to DD'. In fact, I think it's most probably a lot kinder than to give the specific behaviourS - in a detailed list. Now, that would have been berating the child from the sounds of it, because it sounds like it could have taken quite some time.

In fact, I think it's most probably a lot kinder than to give the specific behaviours - in a detailed list. Now, that would have been berating the child from the sounds of it, because it sounds like it could have taken quite some time.

True. Which is precisely why it wasn't the appropriate forum to get into the child's behaviour. What the child will have heard is - she was/ is unkind, but she won't necessarily know what she did or why it was unkind. That's why her age - just 6 - is important context here.

It sounds like there were various reasons why the invite list was restricted, why not just say, we couldn't invite everyone this time, sorry.

The child was the one who asked the question. So, given that the OP was put directly on the spot by the child questioning what she had been told multiple times, that she wasn't invited, then it was the appropriate forum. She gave a short, simple, direct answer. If mother or daughter want to inquire further, I'm sure they know where to find OP. Or they can ask the school, which has been made aware, but obviously hasn't dealt particularly effectively with the six year old's behaviour. (And it can be very hard for a school to do so. particularly if they're dealing with a damp parent).

I know adults who use the same tactic - put a person on the spot in a public place to embarrass a person into giving them the answer they want to hear.

This child learned a valuable lesson, although it might have cost her some tears - that this tactic shall profit you not. If only her mother had taught her that no means no, and you DON'T keep nagging or bullying until you get the answer you want. Then she wouldn't have had to shed those tears.

I read so many times on MN that’s it’s best to ‘rise above it’ and keep a dignified silence when dealing with adults but it seems that on two threads that curtsy isn’t afforded to young children.

Two threads going where young girls 6 & 7 are being called brats ect.. why are adults so seemingly baying for young girls to be put in their place. It’s really odd.

If this is a real thread - YABU. As an adult you could have dealt with that better. If one of my friends had said this I’d be cringing and wondering wtf was going on in their heads.

I know adults who use the same tactic - put a person on the spot in a public place to embarrass a person into giving them the answer they want to hear - she isn’t an adult though.

There is a real - ‘serves you right’ attitude towards children on here at the moment and it’s awful and spiteful.

Well, I think that courtesy and respect was afforded this young girl. She asked a straight question, and was given the respect and courtesy of a straight answer. It might not be one she wanted to hear - I'm sure that OP would have preferred not to have been put in the position of having to give it. But I don't think it was a rude or needlessly unkind answer.

she isn’t an adult though.

No, she isn't. She is a child, who may be able to learn from what was a mildly unpleasant situation that she and her mother created. Which could save her and many others, some grief in the future.

In no way, do I think, nor do I imply, 'it serves her right'.

mbosnz well at lest she learned a lesson of a ‘straight’ talker eh?

There seem to be an awful lot of ignorant 6yos out there, judging by this thread.

My 6yo son knows exactly when he's being unkind - he's been told which behaviours are unkind since he was 2 and probably well before he could understand! Of course, it doesn't always stop him from being unkind (mostly to his older brother), but he damn well knows he's doing it.

If they don't get told that their behaviour is unkind, then sure, they're never going to know it's unkind - so the OP has done the child a favour by pointing it out to her, since her mother clearly hasn't ever done so!

mbosnz well at lest she learned a lesson of a ‘straight’ talker eh?

Perhaps she learned the pitfalls of BEING one?

I think you might have done that child a favour. You should not feel bad. In any case, if a child asks blunt questions like that, presumably bluntness is what she understands.

@Bizawit - read the OP’s first post - she DID say ‘no, sorry, not this time’ - and the little girl continued to pester the OP. She wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer and demanded to know why.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius true, but I don’t think a 6 year old asking “why” as a follow up question to a “no” response is unusual/ necessarily should be characterised as “continuing to pester”. OP could have just said, “because we couldn’t invite everyone this time” and then moved on. If she then felt that the child’s behaviour to her DD needed to be addressed she could have done that separately in a more appropriate and constructive manner through talking to the school or the child’s mother.

True, in that, the OP had already tried what you suggested, and the child continued to persist. Remember, the OP has been dealing with her daughter's tears every day for a number of days as a result of this child's behaviour towards her own. I'd be a bit fed up with it too.

The school is already aware of this child's behaviour, according to the OP, and yet still it persists.

Schools generally discourage, in my experience, the parents contacting the other parents in such situations, because of the possibility of it going resoundingly south.

And of course, the 6 year old's parent WAS right there, looking passively on.

Bizawit

So if the OP had said "not this time" twice and then the girl asked "why" for the 3rd time, what would you have done then?

Would you have just replied "not this time" indefinitely?

I don't think it's unreasonable for an adult to not want to explain themselves to a child, do you?

I do wonder what it would have taken, other than what was said, for Young Miss 6 to finally accept that no was always going to be the final outcome.

I suspect there's a number of PPs not reading OPs posts or updates properly. OP did say "no sorry" to child when asked. A child had been bullying DD all week, literally not being kind, she made DD cry every day by her treatment of her and then also badgeting for an invite.

Child was not satisfied with that and got loud in her demanding, so OP in the end used exactly the phrase therapists and teachers use when asked why "you haven't been very kind to X (DD)" . Specific, brief, clear, factual, gentle as possible, and enough to stop further bullying of her DD and even OP, by this child who wasn't taking simple "no, sorry" for an answer. (DD would likely have been there at the time further watching the bullying attempts continue by this child into her party!)

Why the other mum did not redirect her child is the problem- but there may be reasons, one of which may include lazy parenting. (When my child comes out of school, I'm watching for her and her siblings, not letting her merrily accost people, raise her voice and demand invites to their parties. 😮)

The child cried because she was told no and was unable to bully DD or DDs mum into giving her an invite. That's sad, as no one likes it when a child cried, but it was caused by child's own parenting so far, not OP. OP has not indicated in anyway that she is rejoicing that the child cried at all - she posted here as it shocked her and she felt bad (even tho not her fault)- nor are YANBU PPs not saying "she deserved it" 🙄. Some PPs who disagree have exaggorated and changed the tone of & phrase that OP actually said. Why claim OP told she was "mean" or "unkind" as a person, when OP didn't do that at all. Why not read the posts properly? It doesn't help the discussion.

Those saying how awful it was as she is just a 6 year old child (same as OP's DD!) (but one who is also not behaving kindly for whatever reason) - may possibly (and we can't be sure, but I'd take that bet!) be the parents whose children visibly go around bullying others without their parents stepping in.

It's done and dusted now. Enough PPs have said, no that was fine OP, it was a difficult situation that she dealt with mildly but in a clear way.

Hopefully the other child might have enough parental support to help her see that maybe if she treated others kindly she'd be invited more. That's not OPs issue to sort out.

There certainly seem to be some posters who think it is terrible that one 6 year old was told ‘No’ and cried, but don’t give a hoot about the OP’s dd who had been reduced to tears every day by this little girl’s unpleasantness.

Schools generally discourage, in my experience, the parents contacting the other parents in such situations, because of the possibility of it going resoundingly south

And they certainly disagree with tackling the issue with the child yourself

Goodness can you imagine all the mothers waiting for that kid to come out of school so they can tell them what they think of them

My 6 years old continuously asks why. It really isn’t that unusual

Sometimes as an adult you just have to hold your own shit in and deal with it appropriately.

Really odd though that there are two threads going about bratty 6/7 year olds though and righteous adults..

@DecomposingComposers oh come on, I'm aware of plenty of ways as an adult to avoid an ongoing confrontation with a 6 year old! It's really not difficult. There was no need for the OP to engage further, beyond 'sorry not this time, we can't invite all' or basic words to that effect. Especially if the child's mum were there. (BTW the OP mentioned at one point that the conversation happened so quickly that although the child's mum was observing she - OP - didn't think she - mum - really had time to intervene!)

SDTG and there are some posters that think it’s ok to tackle children in the playground. It isn’t. And it wouldn’t be appreciated by the school if others felt the need to do the same

In fact it’s quite unbelievable tbh

Bizawit I agree. I find it really odd the nature of these threads.

I really doubt any of these posters would do the same.

@Femalebornandbred - the child was the one who tackled the adult about the lack of a party invitation, not the other way around. The OP did not decide to approach the child and tell her, out of the blue, why she wasn’t invited to the party.

SDTG the child was asking for a sodding party invite. Kids ask for shit.