To have told 6yo the truth.

[malm275]

Sorry it's a party/invite kind of thread....

DD is celebrating her 6th birthday next week. Every party that she has had so far has been a massive family/friends event with at least 30+ children to cater for. This year things are a bit tighter financially so dd is having a small cinema party with 6 invited guests from school and a couple from out of school that we are particularly close to. Dd is delighted and so excited. And we are massively relieved I'm getting whinged at left,right and centre by the 'uninvited' but that's a different thread
The one thing I asked dh to do this week was give the school invitations directly to parents and not give them to the teacher to hand out. Which he promptly did. Again, another thread Wouldn't necessarily be a huge problem but there is a girl at school, who will call herself dd's best friend, but actually is mean, pushy and very dominating over my daughter. And many other children School are aware and I have been trying to give my daughter the tools to deal with this kind of behaviour.
Long story short, she has been awful to dd this week about not being invited (she has never been invited to any of dd's parties anyway). Dd has left school in tears every day because this girl has been pressuring her each day for an invite, I know that I'm not bu to leave her out, dd doesn't want her there and I have given dd the option to just add her to the list, which was thankfully met with a very firm no, so I said we would just have to ride this one out and that dd didn't have to feel bad about her right decision. I floated the idea of inviting girl round for a play date to see if we could do some kind of relationship building but dd was unsure and I don't blame her, I don't really want this girl invading dd's safe space at home.
So anyway, this girl came out of school on Friday and asked me very loudly 'can I come to dd's party'. I replied 'no, sorry not this time'.
She asked why and I said 'because you are not very kind to dd'
Girl then burst into tears and ran off to her mum who gave me a filthy look as did half of the playground I went to go and talk to her but she walked off before I got there and I wasn't going to chase after her. I've always dealt with school with these matters they have asked me not to approach mum as they like to deal with things and have never even spoken to this girls mum as we are not normally on the playground for the same pick ups.
It's been on my mind all weekend. Girl obviously has some issues (not SEND as far as I know- but obviously I would never like to assume) and I try to be understanding of this but felt like I just wanted her to be told the truth about her behaviour for once and realise a consequence. Should I have just sugared the pill, said that it was a little party and not everyone could have an invite? That I couldn't afford it?
I work in a school and think that I am just getting so wound up with the constant pandering around some children and parents there that maybe I took out my frustration on this little girl.

Alex Great post.

I think that the OP was gentle, @Alexkate2468 - especially considering the way this girl has repeatedly upset her dd!

She needs to learn that, if you are unkind to someone, and upset them, you will miss out because they won’t want you at their party - I don’t think that is a bad lesson for her to learn, and I think she has been given it in an age appropriate way.

So school have told OP to not speak to the other parent.

The child spoke to OP. So, she now has 2 options

Ignore the child
Or answer her questions.

What OP said was no big deal. This is what has gone so wrong - when we were little if you misbehaved while out playing you got told off by whichever adult saw. It takes a village and all that. Now an adult answers a child's question with a mild rebuke and people are up in arms.

Really thoughtful post alex

Yeah it’s clear to see you thought she needed teaching a lesson and got what she deserved STDG

🙄🙄🙄

Well, that's what gets me Decomposing. The six year olds I know have been fairly good at asking a question, getting an answer - may not like it, doesn't lead to trauma for life. They may cry, yes. That's okay. That's a natural response at that age to hearing something you don't like.

I sometimes think we impose as adults, levels of drama and trauma that the child doesn't actually experience. We're seeing it through our eyes, particularly as parents, not theirs.

Yeah it’s clear to see you thought she needed teaching a lesson and got what she deserved

Again with the putting of the words in the mouth and dramatics. . .

It’s disingenuous to say that adults go around telling other kids they can’t have some thing or do something because they are unkind. They just don’t.

It’s not about the invitation. It’s about a grown adult tackling a six year old about their behaviour and not having the guts to follow it up with their parent. It’s cowardly.

If this had been me and it just slipped out because I was so fed up with this situation continuing I’d have the courage to go over to the mother to finish what I’d started in stead of scurrying out of the playground and hiding behind the not talking to other parents rule.

It's about a grown adult being tackled by a 6 year old, and giving an age appropriate straight answer, and then feeling bad about it because the 6 year old didn't like what she heard and understandably cried. And also about 6 year old's Mum not being aware and stepping in quickly and firmly and redirecting her 6 year old. Which as an aware mother of a 6 year old, takes nano seconds.

It's about a grown adult being tackled by a 6 year old

Six year olds tackle adults do they...

@Femalebornandbreed - so, when do you think that a child should start to learn that actions have consequences, and if you are not nice to someone, you can’t expect an invitation to their party? 8? 10? 12? 16?

Letting this little girl go on thinking that she can be nasty to people with no negative consequences is doing her a big disfavour, in my opinion.

I agree with @mbosnz - I don’t think that the little girl has been traumatised, and I am not saying she ‘got what she deserved’. But actions have consequences, and unpleasant actions usually have unpleasant consequences.

‘tackled’ in the verbal sense. It is a perfectly good way to describe the child coming up and asking where her party invitation was.

It’s disingenuous to say that adults go around telling other kids they can’t have some thing or do something because they are unkind. They just don’t.

No, they don't say it anymore. But we should.

Because this is how we've ended up with kids causing havoc, committing crimes, terrorising communities and doing it with an air of "what are you going to do about it?"

It didn't used to be like that. If an adult saw you misbehaving they told you off and they were a lot less gentle than the OP was, and you know what? It did us good.

Not read the whole thread- sorry in advance- do school know the child has been causing problems and upsettong/ bullinging your DD? If not, they really should be made aware. Regardless of age and any Sen issue, any form of bullying is bit ok and should be not left unaddressed. It would make a lot more sense to tge mother if she was aware of the track record.

The OP has said that the school are aware, yes, @GlamGiraffe.

@STDG in the eyes of an adult that’s gentle but not if you’re looking at it from the point of view of a child. Think about it - at 6, some children still find it intimidating when an unfamiliar adult speaks to them in a friendly way and they hide. At this age they are still very much only secure in a small, familiar network. Someone outside of this network telling off (no matter how gently) a child will be very intimidating.
The correcting needs to come from within that network. Also, children mirror behaviour - if she experiences a gentle, loving correction she’ll more likely learn to be more gentle and living. If she experiences being ‘frightened’ into behaving correctly and ‘taught a lesson’, this is how she will learn to treat others.

Children do not have the capacity to think like adults. She probably won’t be scarred for life but the reaction from the OP is unlikely to have done anything to help correct the child’s behaviour.

This child doesn’t sound like someone who is intimidated by being spoken to by an unfamiliar adult, @Alexkate2468 - she knows the OP well enough, and has enough confidence to go up to her and ask where her party invitation is - not exactly the actions of a shy child.

How would you suggest the OP had answered her question as to why she wasn’t invited? Lie? Fudge? Or the truth? I prefer the truth.

AlexKate I agree. Which is why I would be taken aback at a 6 year old I do not know talking to me like that. That is not like an average 6 year old.

The child was hardly intimidated and hiding behind her mother's legs when she approached the OP with her demands was she @Alexkate2468?

OP, I think you did the right thing.

Think of the alternative. You concede and give her an invitation. She's then manipulated you, an adult. Her bullying behaviour of DD will get worse because, she gets whatever she wants. DD will think you haven't got her back because you said a bully can come and ultimately spoil DD's fun day.

You then open the floodgates to all the other kids wanting an invite and their mums sending them over to get an invite.

You told the truth. You don't have to mamby pamby the bully. Otherwise how will she ever learn? Mum might have given you a dirty look, but I'd be willing to bet bully kid didn't tell her mum why she's not invited...

FWIW I didn't invite the bully child in DS's class as he'd been very mean to DS, even after school had intervened it reared its ugly head again. No way I would spend my hard earned money on or make DS spend his special day with someone who made my child miserable and hurt him. And I don't feel guilty about it. You shouldn't either.

so, when do you think that a child should start to learn that actions have consequences, and if you are not nice to someone, you can’t expect an invitation to their party? 8? 10

From the very start. My two year old knows when she makes her older sister cry because he runs in to me grassing her self up telling me she made xxx sad. I talk to my kids daily about how each of them make each other feel, when they are being selfish, unkind, helpful, loving ect..

However it’s not my job to parent some one else’s child or to ‘teach them a lesson’ why would it. Why would I be that arrogant to think other people children need me to teach the harsh life lessons.

This child was six. The op should have dealt with it better but she blurted it out, but then scurrying off out of the playground and not approaching the mum is cowardly.

That’s what makes me think this thread is dodgy because in real life I just can’t see that playing out like that.

But its insightful to see how many people believe they have the right to parent or teach others peoples kids the school of hard knocks. They don’t.

DecomposingComposers

She was six years old pestering for a party invite...

I’m not saying she’s shy, I’m saying she’s emotionally immature and probably insecure ( insecure children can be very ‘ in-your-face’ and have an air of over-confidence). The bit I said about children being intimidated was a general statement about how young children don’t react to adults in the same way other adults so.
I don’t think OP should have lied. I think she should have spoken to the mother. Saying to the child that she wasn’t invited because it was only a small party would have been enough and the truth. The rest should have been handled by adults.

Why insecure? She sounds over confident to me.

Femalebornandbreed

Do you ever have children over on play dates? What happens if they misbehave? Do you not speak to them then?

I would expect other people to tell my children off if they were being naughty.