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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have told 6yo the truth.

464 replies

malm275 · 19/05/2019 05:50

Sorry it's a party/invite kind of thread....

DD is celebrating her 6th birthday next week. Every party that she has had so far has been a massive family/friends event with at least 30+ children to cater for. This year things are a bit tighter financially so dd is having a small cinema party with 6 invited guests from school and a couple from out of school that we are particularly close to. Dd is delighted and so excited. And we are massively relieved I'm getting whinged at left,right and centre by the 'uninvited' but that's a different thread Hmm
The one thing I asked dh to do this week was give the school invitations directly to parents and not give them to the teacher to hand out. Which he promptly did. Again, another thread Wouldn't necessarily be a huge problem but there is a girl at school, who will call herself dd's best friend, but actually is mean, pushy and very dominating over my daughter. And many other children School are aware and I have been trying to give my daughter the tools to deal with this kind of behaviour.
Long story short, she has been awful to dd this week about not being invited (she has never been invited to any of dd's parties anyway). Dd has left school in tears every day because this girl has been pressuring her each day for an invite, I know that I'm not bu to leave her out, dd doesn't want her there and I have given dd the option to just add her to the list, which was thankfully met with a very firm no, so I said we would just have to ride this one out and that dd didn't have to feel bad about her right decision. I floated the idea of inviting girl round for a play date to see if we could do some kind of relationship building but dd was unsure and I don't blame her, I don't really want this girl invading dd's safe space at home.
So anyway, this girl came out of school on Friday and asked me very loudly 'can I come to dd's party'. I replied 'no, sorry not this time'.
She asked why and I said 'because you are not very kind to dd'
Girl then burst into tears and ran off to her mum who gave me a filthy look as did half of the playground I went to go and talk to her but she walked off before I got there and I wasn't going to chase after her. I've always dealt with school with these matters they have asked me not to approach mum as they like to deal with things and have never even spoken to this girls mum as we are not normally on the playground for the same pick ups.
It's been on my mind all weekend. Girl obviously has some issues (not SEND as far as I know- but obviously I would never like to assume) and I try to be understanding of this but felt like I just wanted her to be told the truth about her behaviour for once and realise a consequence. Should I have just sugared the pill, said that it was a little party and not everyone could have an invite? That I couldn't afford it?
I work in a school and think that I am just getting so wound up with the constant pandering around some children and parents there that maybe I took out my frustration on this little girl.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 21/05/2019 01:27

She's a bully and the school should have dealt with her making your daughter cry and she should not have approached you.

Next time she makes your daughter cry at school, make sure the school deal with it.

Good luck for party. Thanks

RantyAnty · 21/05/2019 02:23

@malm275

Not sure why you had to give out 6 invitations at the school. Couldn't you have rang up the mums and invited or emailed them? That probably would have prevented a lot of the drama about the party.

SnagAndChips · 21/05/2019 02:27

I think you did the right thing.
My DD1 (youngest in year) was being bullied by a girl in year level above- so 2 years difference. DD1 was 6.
DD would come home everyday in tears and I made 5 complaints to the teacher. Nothing seemed to happen.
One day DD said she wished she was not still alive. I was raging inside.
Took her to school. Bully danced up and went 'hello DD'. I said to bully kid that her behaviour was unkind as it made DD upset and I would rather she did not play with her. Bully burst into tears and ran away.

I was told off by head, but told him nothing had been done about 5 months of bullying.
DD was amazed at how a direct call out stopped bully in her tracks. Bully never approached DD again. And bully's amazing popularity faltered (think kids were scared of her).
Plus teacher left the school the following year.

DD is a fair few years older now and says she is so happy I stood up for her, and she is more confident dealing with mean kids. Never had another problem in the intervening years.

SO I really hope a similar thing pans out for your child.

Canuckduck · 21/05/2019 02:31

She’s 6 and is still very much learning to negotiate friendships and social niceties. Many children are not kind at various times but usually they learn. I think that it would have been a better choice to just leave it ‘no you are not invited to the party this time’ than to publicly humiliated her. She’s ultimately a little girl and you have no clue what’s going on in her life outside of school.

dreichuplands · 21/05/2019 02:35

As an adult witnessing the incident in the playground I would be unimpressed at your behaviour towards a small DC. But I would also know that I didn't know the whole story so I would try and not judge you too much.

Alicewond · 21/05/2019 02:39

Firstly you could of had double the number of guests to a home party rather than paying for a cinema one. The costs of making sandwiches and jelly are far lower

Secondly yes you took it upon yourself to make a six year old feel bad with no knowledge of their circumstances

Could you not have just said talk to you mum and explain it to her. Or sorry we can only invite a few, maybe next time. This is a six year old...

DecomposingComposers · 21/05/2019 02:43

Or the mum could have parented her own child and stepped in to stop her being such a brat, then OP wouldn't have had to explain why she wasn't invited?

Alicewond · 21/05/2019 02:49

Even the people disagreeing and being annoyed with this child’s behaviour. Do you think at the age of 6 she is responsible. Or is it adults to blame? Therefore is berating her in public helping her perfect life?

Irulez · 21/05/2019 02:50

Truth without love is brutality

HennyPennyHorror · 21/05/2019 02:52

Irulez no it's not. Truth can be a very helpful thing. It's only brutal if it's offensive....eg "Your nose is massive" or "Your Mum's a loser"

Alicewond · 21/05/2019 02:53

@DecomposingComposers ok let’s say the mum is a really poor parent, is that an excuse to publicly berate a 6 year old? Would that make you feel good about yourself that you had somehow won?

DecomposingComposers · 21/05/2019 02:53

Therefore is berating her in public helping her perfect life?

How was she berated?

After badgering OP, and not accepting a less direct answer, OP said she hadn't been kind and so couldn't come.

What is so terrible about that? And it isn't up to OP to help her perfect life. That's up to her parents.

DecomposingComposers · 21/05/2019 02:55

Alicewond

No one berated her.

She was mildly admonished. She'll get over it.

Irulez · 21/05/2019 02:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Alicewond · 21/05/2019 02:55

@HennyPennyHorror unless your a child just wanting to be invited to something....

Alicewond · 21/05/2019 02:57

@DecomposingComposers she’s 6, this isn’t tit for tat about how you’d feel. Although right now you do seem childish

Irulez · 21/05/2019 02:58

Honestly, if I had witnessed this, I'd have intervened. On the part of the 6 year old.
Had you wine in you or something? Cocaine? I don't know any circumstance where I would bully a 6 year old child. No circumstance.

DecomposingComposers · 21/05/2019 02:58

@Alicewond

Children need to learn that they don't have a right to be invited anywhere. She needs to learn some manners.

And where is the sympathy for OPs dd who has been made to cry by this child every day, not just once?

Irulez · 21/05/2019 02:59

I would have stood up and said 'now hold on, that's not fair'.

But the damage was done.

At least the little girl would have known that somebody gave a shit about her.

Irulez · 21/05/2019 03:00

OP, expect nobody to go to your little girl's party.

DecomposingComposers · 21/05/2019 03:01

this isn’t tit for tat about how you’d feel.

Where have I made it about what I'd feel?

What would you have done? How would you have told her no, without making her cry? Or do you think OP should have just given in and invited her?

Alicewond · 21/05/2019 03:02

@DecomposingComposers I do agree, but are you saying you’d be happy for random strangers to discipline for children then. As she’s six an adult conversation should happen and the parent explain this

Irulez · 21/05/2019 03:05

@DecomposingComposers

This is why we are all saying that men should not have little girls on sleepovers over on your other thread.......

You sound like you hate little girls really!

DecomposingComposers · 21/05/2019 03:06

@Alicewond

Would I want another adult to tell my child off? If they were being rude or naughty then yes, of course. I would hope though that I would have seen what was going on and would have stepped in, though my children just wouldn't have been so rude.

And the problem is that school had told OP not to speak to the girl's parents so that rules out a chat between the adults.

I'd still love to know how you would have said no without making her cry?

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