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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Smacking children "oh everyone does it"

116 replies

cantbelieveimhearingthis · 19/05/2019 00:23

NC for this

So I was on the bus the other day with DD (19 months). Another lady gets on with a pushchair and a little boy, the boy is probably about 2 and a half. Two older ladies then get on and start chatting to the other lady with the pushchair. DD is waving and smiling and the older ladies were commenting on how lovely she was, I said thank you but frankly I'd had a shitty day so just kept my self to myself. They keep talking about children and are clearly trying to get me involved. The other lady with the pushchair and the older ladies get into behaviour and how "naughty" her little boy is. The conversation then turns to the topic of smacking. Older ladies start to agree that nowadays children are too soft and that smacking them does them no harm, but teaches them a lesson. Lady with a pushchair then piped up saying "oh yes when he's naughty I smack him on the bottom, he's got a nappy on so it does him no harm" She then says she threatens her TWO year old with smacking if he doesn't do as he's told. They're now trying to get me involved in the smacking conversation and I'm trying my hardest to be polite. Lady with the pushchair then says "trust me when they start throwing tantrums, smacking is the only thing that works" "everyone does it, they're just too afraid to admit to it". AIBU to be a little bit taken aback by this? I can understand to an extent the older ladies as they were from a different generation. But the other lady blatantly admitting to hitting a two year old?? I thought we had moved past this?

OP posts:
iamthere123 · 19/05/2019 09:06

Do people actually find that sending kids to their rooms works? When my mum was really angry (and later admitted she was on the verge of smacking us) she used to send us to our rooms so that she could get herself under control before dealing with us. Only trouble was my brother and I had bedrooms full of books and we just used to end up chilling and reading, rather than being punished. After she realised this she used to sit us on the top and bottom steps of the stairs!

MysweetAudrina · 19/05/2019 09:07

You are right. When my colleagues or dh make a mistake or do something wrong I find it much better in terms if positive outcomes to put them on the naughty step for 10 minutes and if that doesn't work I find confiscating their ps4 tends to do the trick.

Note: I don't think hitting children is the best way to get them to learn but I hate when the argument of well you wouldn't slap your colleague or partner is used as the reason not too.

Kittykat93 · 19/05/2019 09:10

Can't stand seeing people hit their children. Also makes me laugh that they think smacking works. Well if it worked you wouldn't have to keep doing it would you??

Shocked that in this day and age it's still seen as ok to be violent to your children, but not to anyone else.

cantbelieveimhearingthis · 19/05/2019 09:16

@teachingiswank 🙄 I can assure you I'm definitely not a perv who wants to hear stories about violence against toddlers and small children. I was just shocked at this woman blatantly admitting to hitting her two year old and insisting to me, that I would be doing it to mine in the future. As if resorting to violence when your toddler doesn't do as they're told, is completely normal.

OP posts:
MeltedEggMum · 19/05/2019 09:22

This is a good blog post by Jessica Eaton that discusses how parenting tactics mirror abuser's tactics. Smacking children is only one facet of a much larger societal problem.

victimfocus.wordpress.com/2018/12/17/what-if-our-parenting-tactics-are-mirroring-abuser-tactics/

TheRedBarrows · 19/05/2019 09:26

I’m pretty sure I count as older generation , and I have never understood smacking to be normal, useful or acceptable.

Fundays12 · 19/05/2019 09:48

Sending my eldest to his bedroom does work as he has autism/adhd and needs the time out. Normally what other people see as “bad” behaviour is sensory overload so I will say to him go to your room, take some quiet time and when you feel better come down again. If he is just being naughty or playing up I do take his iPad or Nintendo’s away for the rest of the day and he knows that he has to earn it through good behaviour.

The 2.5 year old gets put on the step as he is neurotypical so this works well for him. He hates it and tends to stop playing up when he has been put on it.

Tinamummy6 · 19/05/2019 09:50

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Pearpickinpenguin · 19/05/2019 09:53

Yeah Tinamummy6 but smacking is ILLEGAL in lots of countries. If you were in Ireland and I saw you smacking your child I would report you. It is abuse. Quite frankly the fact you are also a teacher would scare me. I would be putting in a complaint to the dept of education too if I thought one of my kids teachers was abusing their own children and you certainly would not be teaching either of mine.

Tinamummy6 · 19/05/2019 09:58

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pointythings · 19/05/2019 10:23

Tinamummy why isn't it abuse when you hit your children, but it would be abuse if your DH/DP were to hit you? Why is it ok just because the person being hit is a child?

And don't call it smacking. It's hitting. It's lazy, shit, abusive parenting. And yes, I am judging you and everyone like you. I've raised two lovely, polite, well-behaved DDs who are now 16 and 18 and I have never hit them. Because I've put in the hard work to make damn sure I didn't need to.

Pearpickinpenguin · 19/05/2019 10:31

Hitting is abuse. You are an abuser.

Tinamummy6 · 19/05/2019 10:32

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Fucksandflowers · 19/05/2019 10:45

I can understand why people feel it’s unacceptable but I don’t think it should be banned at all nor should the occasional smack be seen as abuse, I think it makes a mockery of actual abuse.

I certainly don’t think people should be smacking as a default response on a regular basis though, it should be an occasional punishment where gentler methods have failed or where you need to regain control quickly, if the child is about to run into the road of touch a hot hob for example.

Used occasionally there is nothing cruel or abusive about it imo.

People say ‘if smacking worked you wouldn’t need to keep doing it’, but you could say exactly the same for time outs or shouting or confiscation of possessions.
All of which require frequent repetition....
So do they not work either?
And actually, sometimes a single smack can be very effective indeed and not need any repetition.

Reporting someone for a single snack in public is absolutely repugnant.
You are seeing a split second of parenting.

There is a huge difference between neglect and/or abuse be that emotional or physical and the odd split second smack in an otherwise healthy loving parental relationship.
Most likely, that child has a very happy and stable family home and undue distress would be caused by reporting.

There is not a social animal in the land that does not use (severely inhibited) physical punishment to discipline their youngsters.
A quick smack shouldn’t be leaving marks nor causing extreme pain, certainly not causing injury or putting the child in any danger, I don’t believe it causes any psychological damage as an occasional punishment in an otherwise loving, stable environment.

I don’t agree that the spike in violent crime, stabbing etc is down to smacking either.
If that was the case why wasn’t it a much bigger problem before when smacking was far more commonplace, even by teachers and neighbours?

More and more children are growing up into appallingly rude, mannerless individuals with zero consideration for anyone else.
They have no problem being offensive to others but can’t take it when it gets handed back to them.
I suspect the ‘gentle parenting’ trend, the idea that you mustn’t shout or smack or discipline at all really has something to do with it..

Violent crime offenders have more often than not been subject to actual abuse, not an occasional smack in a loving family but sustained emotional and often physical and/or sexual abuse.
Poverty is often a factor, as are addictions, which too are linked to poverty and it is not a coincidence that areas with the highest gang crime just so happen to be almost always poverty stricken too.

But let’s just blame smacking.
It’s far easier than tackling the actual root cause of the problem.

pointythings · 19/05/2019 10:48

How can you compare a grown man hitting a women, to me smacking my ds or dd on the bum or legs ?

How can you not? You are hitting a child. Hitting. Hitting. Hitting. That is what it is. Stop excusing it, learn some better parenting techniques. There are some great parenting classes out there, and you can self refer. I know, because I've done one in the aftermath of my divorce - I wanted to be the best parent I could be to my teens, so I chose not to assume everything would just be OK, I went out there to make it the best it could be. Why have kids if you aren't prepared to do that?

BigRedLondonBus · 19/05/2019 10:50

Very well put Fucksandflowers I agree 100%.

Tinamummy6 · 19/05/2019 10:50

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pointythings · 19/05/2019 10:50

Fucksanflowers like so many of the child hitting apologists you are presenting things as a zero sum game. Either you hit the child because it's needed to impose discipline, or you do gentle parenting with no boundaries and raise entitled kids. There is a middle ground - you just have to do a bit of work to find it.

BogglesGoggles · 19/05/2019 10:53

It’s no about generation. My great grand parents were anti-smack. It’s just bad parenting as are many things done oarebts do.

Tinamummy6 · 19/05/2019 10:53

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woodhill · 19/05/2019 10:55

Agree too flowers

BogglesGoggles · 19/05/2019 10:57

@fucksandflowers all those methods of ‘discipline’ don’t work because they are punishments. The only way to instil discipline is to program the super ego using positive reinforcement for good behaviours and a combination of moralising and rationalising to prevent bad behaviour. Nothing less will work. It’s been scientifically tested and established. Smacking does absolutely nothing for a child.

pointythings · 19/05/2019 10:57

Tinamummy it doesn't matter that it isn't your go to punishment. It's that you do it at all. It's wrong. It should be a never go to punishment. Anything less just isn't good enough.

BogglesGoggles my parents did hit us, particularly my mum. Once I had the girls and she saw how we parented, she expressed regret that she hadn't done it more like we did.

Tinamummy6 · 19/05/2019 11:04

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dadshere · 19/05/2019 11:07

Smacking is still fairly common, research indicates that it is more common in economically deprived areas (of the UK) and this correlates geographically with it being more common in the North, Scotland, NI, Wales and Cornwall, and being more rare in the S.E

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