To have just lost it at DH

[Bumbalaya]

DH doesn't do much housework or anything that helps our household run smoothly on a regular basis.

He says his reason for not cleaning the kitchen or the bathroom is that "he doesn't want to/ care" (HIS WORDS)

I do the majority of the housework, childcare and organisation and 100% of the cooking and cleaning PLUS WORKING 5 days a week as he does. He does wash up but won't wipe side boards or sweep kitchen floor.

Anyway in the past month he has made 3 passive aggressive comments about the "random piles of my shit" causing him to not be able to find things.

When I looked the so called "random piles of 'my' shit" were a) a pile of towels and bedding that I had washed and folded b) a pile of his daughter's clean clothes c) a pile of our daughter's clothes that again I have laundered but not put away. Oh yeah his clean clothes too that I washed.

I lost it at him tonight because I find it very galling to hear him complain about my mess even though he doesn't help with it. He says that he can't because he doesn't know what is clean and what is dirty.

I told him that his attitude of "I don't care about the mess is why I don't do housework" is bollocks because he is busy making pass ag comments to me about "my" mess.

I swore at him, told him that he is like a lazy teenager and that his attitude towards household work is threatening our marriage.

He has gone to bed saying "I won't say when I feel annoyed in future then".

GAAAAHH

AIBU to go mad a him?

TIA.

greentulips please tell me how dog walking sex works Im intrigued 😂

Would he take kindly to reading this:
www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

and then discussing how to apportion work? AWhen you are ready to actaully act on it, I'd give him an ultimatum, do x,y,z to help or else.

It's tough because we clean the toilet, do the washing, make food etc for the DC as we don't want them to get ill or live in a midden. My H's answer to helping was to hire a cleaner we couldn't afford, who wasn't very good and who he then said I should supervise better as she didn't do a good job . Not my problem. I think it showed his sttitude to women, not good.

I don’t know how or why you’d put up with any of this shit, your threats and sanctions haven’t worked so what next?

Sorry OP but he sounds fucking gross. If he can’t be arsed with his own personal hygiene, he’s not going to be arsed about hygiene around him.

Interesting though that he doesn’t want his parents to see what he’s like away from them. He doesn’t respect you or want your respect but seems he still wants his parents’ respect.

Why, when you both work full time, are you doing his washing and cleaning/tidying up after him?

Stop doing things that he is capable of doing himself.

OP, I was in exactly your shoes five years ago. My then-H never lifted a finger around the house, but constantly criticised me because the house was a state. He would actually say to guests as they arrived, "Welcome to our hovel". There were piles of paperwork everywhere, he would never eat at the table but would eat in front of the TV and then leave plates and cups everywhere. He wouldn't take the dog out for a walk, and the single time he did, he somehow managed to drop the lead because it had "hurt his hand" and she ran away (shitbag spaniel). He refused to do housework indoors or out, but constantly complained that the place was scruffy and untidy, and not like his best friend's beautiful tidy, well-maintained house. He somehow didnt notice that BF had both a gardener and a cleaner, and that although BF did enjoy sitting around with a few beers, he would have previously spent the early part of the day tidying the house, fixing things, or sorting his paperwork.

Anyway, long story short, we are now getting divorced. The house is clean and uncluttered. I am happier than i have ever been.

7yo7yo Muddling on. This is the best of a bunch of poor options at the moment, but it's not forever. Thank you

I don't understand the posters here with full time jobs who insist that 'washing has to go in the basket or it doesn't get done'.

I wouldn't wash another able adults laundry unless it was a special favour. Why are women default washing machine lackeys? I don't get it.

And before you say 'it just makes sense, no point putting on half a wash', did you do wasteful half washes before you married?

Exactly Morris I'm not responsible for ensuring my DH has clean clothes. He managed perfectly fine before he met me.

My dh has just asked me to put my washing in the machine so we can put a batch on. He has already sorted his. Another example of a man perfectly capable of thinking about and doing laundry. It's not uncommon OP.

My OH does all the laundry every week, mine included. Sorts, washes, hangs it out and folds away. He does it because it's the one chore I find really tedious and instead I do 99% of the cooking, all the shopping, life admin, school related/child activities organising. We both take responsibility for tidying the house (he does more gardening though) and we split the payment for a cleaner to come in once a week. It's the perfect division of labour as far as I'm concerned!

And he won’t care if he stinks at work. He does not brush his teeth and he sometimes goes to work with hair thick with grease.
He doesn’t care but will happily dig at me when the mess causes him not to be able to find things.
You're not endearing him to me at all. Unless he is clinically depressed, this would be be a total deal breaker for me without any of the other lazy, selfish crap.

Things I’ve tried:
...threatening to leave (not as easy now we have DD)
I think you need to carry this out. A threat that isn't followed up is meaningless.
It can't be any harder, you are working 5 days a week and doing all the chores. If you leave, or better still, throw him out, you'll carry on BUT you won't have his mess to clear up and you'll get EOW for some me time and you won't be angry and resentful.

If, and only if, you take him back, you can still throw him out permanently if he hasn't got the message. The second time he'll know the threats aren't empty.

Actually, it's not surprising he criticised the cleaner.

He's using the cleaning, etc, as a tool to grind you down and control you. Having a cleaner would have released you from that and reduced his control. Of course he wasn't happy with it.

How will you feel if in forty years' time you're still living like this and being treated like this, and look back knowing you spent all those years trying to get him to stop doing things he's doing on purpose to feel powerful over you?

He has no reason to change. He likes it this way.

I've not found a way to deal with it. Last time I pulled him up on his passive aggressive comments about the state of the house, he had a tantrum and smashed/ripped apart the bathroom door

This is coercive control. That he's quiet now because you're doing exactly what he wants without challenging him just shows how bad it is - that you've had to modify your behaviour to let him control you as the only way to be safe.

It's a crime.

I hope things will come together for you to get yourself away from him, but I also hope you know that Women's Aid are there for people in situatsituation like yours too. 0808 2000 247

Oh, and this: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

They can show you the difference between the mistreatment you're currently enduring and what a healthy relationship with someone who loves and respects you would look like.

Just because there are other women being abused in similar ways replying doesn't mean it's actually normal or what a healthy relationship looks like.

Life can be so much better than this. You deserve better than this. Someone who loved you wouldn't do this to you.

His time is more important than yours.
His feelings are more important than yours.
His wants and needs are more important than yours.
He is more important than you.
At the moment your behaviour sends the message that you agree with him, are you such a door mat that you’re going to continue to allow this man to wipe his feet all over you? Get a backbone woman and fucking leave this misogynistic pig, don’t allow your DD to become conditioned to this imbalance and go on to repeat it in her own relationships. You’re worth more than this.

Your post strongly resonates with me.

I used to clean the house every week / two weeks on a Sunday. Cleaning the animal sheds was (and is) my priority, but once I'd done them I'd hoover, clean the kitchen and the bathroom, and mop the floors. Occassionally I'd leave the hoover in the lounge for DP to do and at first he'd do it, but it got to the point he'd just walk over it and I'd put it away (being that it was 8 o' clock, he'd been amusing himself all day and I was in the middle of a roast dinner).

I stopped hoovering so regularly after the time he came in from the garden, looked at his wellies (obviously having clocked the hoovered floor) and walked straight over it, trailing mud. I stopped with the bathroom after a friend of his visited - he'd repeatedly told me we had to get the place clean in time, yet when the Sunday came he went drinking with another friend, then when he came back carried on drinking until the visitor arrived, so I had to do it. (I asked him to do it for once as he had a reason to and he'd agreed.) I then left it to see how long it would take for him to do it - three months later (yes, really!) friends of mine were coming round so I capitulated. I did tell him, and he claimed he hadn't noticed it needed cleaning!!!!!

That was a few years ago. I've been highly stressed by other stuff so decided to no stress about the house, he's been depressed. It got cleaned occasionally, but it was generally a tip if people popped in and it used to embarrass me.

Anyway, a month ago I decided it needed a good clean, and have done it every week since. I feel much better for it. The first week he commented that he'd noticed I'd dusted, but not moved anything. True, but the last time he dusted was November, before the Christmas decorations went up. This week he moaned I kept asking him to remove his boots when he came in, since I'd only hoovered once this year. Grrrrrrrr!

I will have words.

Thank you all I’m sorry so many of us have to fight this engrained sexism our whole fucking lives.
I have advertised for a MALE cleaner on our local Facebook!
And I’ve got DH to agree to go to therapy with me as a last ditch attempt to save our relationship.

Thank you. Keep fighting the good fight ladies and if you have sons please teach them to do their own shit.

And I promise (for my daughter and myself) that I won’t stick around if this is still going on this time next year.

My exh was alot like this. Always moaning about then house work (and yes referring to communal stuff or stuff belonging to the kids as "my" shit). Didn't do anything much himself except the occasional angry big blitz where he'd throw everything about and in the bin.

We went to therapy and it didn't work. Made housework rotas and all that as he complained the issue in our marriage was me doing nothing He didn't do any of what was rotaed!

Divorced now after a long hard process. My house (where the children are much more of the the time and which is smaller) is lovely and his is always a disgusting tip.

Stop doing shit for him then, it's quite simple. If he wants to be a sulky little boy and won't do his fair share then leave him to it. He's a CF

I left my DS’s father for this. My dream was to never be a single mother again (already had DD to another father) so it was one hell of a decision.

I was utterly miserable though. There were a couple of other contributing factors but mainly the fact that he would do nothing and I felt like a literal slave. I tried not doing anything to show him how much I do/kick him up the are.... he left all* of it. There was a mountain of filthy dishes and rubbish and he wore dirty clothes to work for two weeks! At that point I knew looking after 2 toddler DC alone was actually less work and I was acting like a mother of 3. And he made the most mess!

Years later he now lives alone and constantly complains about how much cleaning he has to do. Even apologised to me because he realised I’d been doing all that the whole time.

The main thing to take from this thread OP is that every woman who is talking about how happy she is at the minute is writing about her ex