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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have just lost it at DH

120 replies

Bumbalaya · 18/05/2019 23:47

DH doesn't do much housework or anything that helps our household run smoothly on a regular basis.

He says his reason for not cleaning the kitchen or the bathroom is that "he doesn't want to/ care" (HIS WORDS)

I do the majority of the housework, childcare and organisation and 100% of the cooking and cleaning PLUS WORKING 5 days a week as he does. He does wash up but won't wipe side boards or sweep kitchen floor.

Anyway in the past month he has made 3 passive aggressive comments about the "random piles of my shit" causing him to not be able to find things.

When I looked the so called "random piles of 'my' shit" were a) a pile of towels and bedding that I had washed and folded b) a pile of his daughter's clean clothes c) a pile of our daughter's clothes that again I have laundered but not put away. Oh yeah his clean clothes too that I washed.

I lost it at him tonight because I find it very galling to hear him complain about my mess even though he doesn't help with it. He says that he can't because he doesn't know what is clean and what is dirty.

I told him that his attitude of "I don't care about the mess is why I don't do housework" is bollocks because he is busy making pass ag comments to me about "my" mess.

I swore at him, told him that he is like a lazy teenager and that his attitude towards household work is threatening our marriage.

He has gone to bed saying "I won't say when I feel annoyed in future then".

GAAAAHH

AIBU to go mad a him?

TIA.

OP posts:

ANewDawn10 · 19/05/2019 06:29

Well you are the fool that's enabling him, so what is the point of complaining about him for? Pointless.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 19/05/2019 06:38

He is telling you that he is more important than you, that's why you have to work longer hours and on top of that your work isn't valued. This is a shit role model for kids.

Cornishclio · 19/05/2019 06:38

YANBU. My DH is not great at noticing things which need to be done either so I have to ask him and we have been married 37 years. He has different standards and he used to think doing DIY once in a blue moon got him out of doing mundane household chores until I disillusioned him. Even now if I feel he is not pulling his weight I just stop doing things for him like shopping for the things he likes or cooking or laundry for him. I would just tell your husband you don't feel like doing all the housework so either he pulls his weight or you will get a cleaner in. Also tell him he is not setting a good example for your DC and you are annoyed

Treacletoots · 19/05/2019 06:38

Did you marry my exH? Seriously, he refused to cook, because he didn't enjoy it.

The only cleaning he did was wiping the kitchen side and hoovering the living room once a month.

And he thought he was a catch! Men like this won't change, they're too wrapped up in their sense of selfish, entitled misogyny that you are enabling(sorry)

STOP doing anything for him right away, and if he doesn't pull his weight, I'm afraid divorce is the only way to improve this.

Current DH is a star cook, cleans and mega DIY on top of being a brilliant father. You do not have to settle!

NabooThatsWho · 19/05/2019 06:40

My DH is not great at noticing things which need to be done either so I have to ask him

He does notice, he just doesn’t care.

BuildBuildings · 19/05/2019 06:44

YANBU I he is really selfish. I couldn't find someone who behaved like that attractive at all. So it would kill our sexlife and realistically any love I had for him. How is he in the rest of your relationship? What do you get out of it?

Teddybear45 · 19/05/2019 06:46

Stop washing, cleaning and cooking for him specifically. Once he starts to stink at work he’ll care.

NauseousMum · 19/05/2019 07:07

Don't do his laundry. Write out the chores, he does half from today. If not, nothing is done for him and you should reconsider the relationship.

OhTheRoses · 19/05/2019 07:19

YANBU. My DH does zero un the house --except gardening, bins abd recycling). When we met he ssid he didn't do housework, he didn't like it and didn't want to. He is very very tidy though and likes the home to be spit spot.

He also said as he wouldn't be doing any nor would I and has always paid for a cleaner and had no issue keeping the clesner when I was a SAHM. 30 years on all is well because we have ended up with equal leisuretime. For many many years I had more than him and he never minded. He was workjng like stink and I kept the home fires burning (night waking, etc?

Original poster

Bumbalaya · 19/05/2019 07:32

Thanks all.
I can stop doing his stuff and generally do when faced with all the other laundry but tidying our living space is not something I can just stop doing because I don’t want to live in a mess and I don’t want that for my daughter.
Maybe I should stop cooking but then he would stop washing up.
I basically want him to stop being a -fucking- teenager and just do the jobs because they need doing.
I’m so worn down by it.
It affects my friendships too because I don’t want to invite people in to the house.
The two times this year he has cleaned the bathroom have been before his parents came to visit so him obviously does care. He just wants me to do it.

He’s just brought me a coffee but I’m still weak with rage.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bumbalaya · 19/05/2019 07:35

And he won’t care if he stinks at work. He does not brush his teeth and he sometimes goes to work with hair thick with grease.
He doesn’t care but will happily dig at me when the mess causes him not to be able to find things.

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 19/05/2019 07:41

Point out to him that he can do it when he wants eg when his parents visit
Do not let this slide OP You are angry and deservedly so. Changes need to happen. List of all chores and fair division would be a good place to start. Remind him he can do half because he lives with you or all because he lives on his own

PeapodBurgundy · 19/05/2019 07:42

Allegedly OH was on a night shift last night. There's actually a significant chance he's actually spent the night with the OP and his other family.

I've not found a way to deal with it. Last time I pulled him up on his passive aggressive comments about the state of the house, he had a tantrum and smashed/ripped apart the bathroom door with his bare hands. I now have no door on my dining room as he had to move it upstairs to replace the bathroom one. Bellend.

Original poster

Bumbalaya · 19/05/2019 07:44

Believe me this is an argument we revisit every month (usually when I have PMT)
Things I’ve tried:

-writing list on kitchen wall of all the things that need doing in the house every week/day

-making a list of everything each of us has done and dating it with initials (that showed that I do 95% of everything and he didn’t care)

putting all the washing up that he had left to fester on the side board on his car bonnet and all over his “music studio equipment”

screaming at him, calling him a fucking bastard who doesn’t give a shit about me and thinks women should do housework and that he’s better than this (he doesn’t think this is true he sees himself as a modern man because he does do lots with our daughter)

-threatening to leave (not as easy now we have DD)

going on strike

going off sex

crying

-bansheeing

getting a cleaner (which hilariously he criticised!!!!!)

OP posts:

FenellaVelour · 19/05/2019 07:48

Well, if you’ve done all those things but not left him, and in fact THEN had a child with him, of course he doesn’t think you’re serious or there are any consequences for him of carrying on as he is. He will never change.

Original poster

Bumbalaya · 19/05/2019 07:50

flyingkites
Loads about him I love but unfortunately it’s tainted by me rarely getting 5 minutes to myself to hang out with him. Just yesterday morning g we were having a so called lazy not I h snuggling with our daughter in bed. He played the guitar, she played and I found myself chipping away at the mess in the room as he did.

OP posts:

Whisky2014 · 19/05/2019 07:51

Just fucking leave. Jesus Christ. He doesn't care about you. Why stay?

fleshmarketclose · 19/05/2019 07:55

ExH was a lazy bastard as well. Life is so much easier as a single parent. Exh's house is filthy, he still doesn't clean, difference is nobody else will clean for him. Dc rarely visit and refuse to use his bathroom and still he doesn't clean. I don't care now I don't have to pick up his slack tbh.

k1233 · 19/05/2019 07:55

Just stop doing anything. You're too embarrassed to have people over now, not doing anything won't change that. You need to dig in and insist. If you don't, nothing will change. If you're happy to do it all going forward, then there's nothing to complain about.

Thatnovembernight · 19/05/2019 07:56

My exh also used to criticise mess even though he did zero housework (unless a friend he wanted to impress was coming over). What made it harder was that he was a hoarder as well who bought lots of crap from eBay. Kept every pair of shoes he’d ever had, boxes things came in etc. Entirely filled up the garage, the shed and both porches to the point it was hard to get in and out of the house. I don’t miss living with him at all.

Propertywoes · 19/05/2019 07:59

Why the fuck would you want to have sex with that?

NauseousMum · 19/05/2019 07:59

Urgh so poor hygiene too. Have you told him how unattractive he is? He seems happy to speak his mind, speak yours

Iris1654 · 19/05/2019 08:05

You have tried it all..nothing will change him.

Divorce him.

Standstilling · 19/05/2019 08:06

Oh god, when you said music equipment it rang A LOT of bells. I split with XP after over 20 years and 3 DC over this type of utterly selfish behaviour.

Reading your words, he clearly doesn’t give a shit about you. A loving partner would not stand by and watch you turn into a banshee with rage at the results of his selfishness; a true partner would stop, recognise that this could be a deal breaker and change his behaviour.

The fact that he doesn’t/hasn’t/won’t change speaks volumes. You are worth so much more than this.
It took me years to realise how unfair it was and more years to leave but it is the best thing I did for my sanity and so that my DC don’t grow up with that appalling example.

You are right to be so angry. Don’t let anyone minimise your feelings.
to you.

YouJustDoYou · 19/05/2019 08:08

Honestly? I don't think I could stay with someone who views me as his maid/mother/sex toy.

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