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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just lost it at DH

120 replies

Bumbalaya · 18/05/2019 23:47

DH doesn't do much housework or anything that helps our household run smoothly on a regular basis.

He says his reason for not cleaning the kitchen or the bathroom is that "he doesn't want to/ care" (HIS WORDS)

I do the majority of the housework, childcare and organisation and 100% of the cooking and cleaning PLUS WORKING 5 days a week as he does. He does wash up but won't wipe side boards or sweep kitchen floor.

Anyway in the past month he has made 3 passive aggressive comments about the "random piles of my shit" causing him to not be able to find things.

When I looked the so called "random piles of 'my' shit" were a) a pile of towels and bedding that I had washed and folded b) a pile of his daughter's clean clothes c) a pile of our daughter's clothes that again I have laundered but not put away. Oh yeah his clean clothes too that I washed.

I lost it at him tonight because I find it very galling to hear him complain about my mess even though he doesn't help with it. He says that he can't because he doesn't know what is clean and what is dirty.

I told him that his attitude of "I don't care about the mess is why I don't do housework" is bollocks because he is busy making pass ag comments to me about "my" mess.

I swore at him, told him that he is like a lazy teenager and that his attitude towards household work is threatening our marriage.

He has gone to bed saying "I won't say when I feel annoyed in future then".

GAAAAHH

AIBU to go mad a him?

TIA.

OP posts:
fc301 · 19/05/2019 00:55

I too am interested in the dog waking sex ...

Ruru8thestars · 19/05/2019 00:57

Stop doing anything for him - after all, you don’t want to.

Lalliella · 19/05/2019 01:00

YANBU for losing it at him. YABU for not losing a long long time ago. How can you live like this? You do know slavery got abolished in the 19th century? I don’t think your DH does. Seriously I would LTB. I couldn’t put up with someone who had so little regard for me that I had to live like that.

Puffkin · 19/05/2019 01:02

Eurgh you’re living with a sexist man baby. He doesn’t want to do it because he is a man and sees it all as women’s work. Divorce the cunt.

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 19/05/2019 01:03

On my watchlist purely for the dog waking sex Grin

Oh, and another vote for 'I don't/didn't want to' re his washing etc. Goose gander...

BlackCatSleeping · 19/05/2019 01:33

Eurgh you’re living with a sexist man baby. He doesn’t want to do it because he is a man and sees it all as women’s work. Divorce the cunt.

I think this is basically the truth of the matter. He doesn't respect you.

It won't get any better, OP.

ArcheryAnnie · 19/05/2019 02:06

My ex used to complain about the mess, despite the fact that he made it. My flat is much tidier now without him in it. Job done.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 19/05/2019 02:16

PLEASE don’t sont say he is like a teenager. My 17 year old son does his fair share of housework, usually without being asked. This so called man is a waste of space who is treating you like a household appliance. I’d give him one chance to buck up his ideas, and then I would divorce him.

Strugglingtodomybest · 19/05/2019 02:25

Of course YANBU, I'm amazed you've lasted this long without losing it.

I agree with the others, do what User suggests. Or, if you think he's open to having a proper conversation about it, transfer all laundry duties to him, it's the least he can do when you're doing all the rest and it's a very clearly defined job. It's a good start for him.

If he says he doesn't know what's clean and what's dirty, point out that the dirty stuff is (presumeably) in the dirty linen basket and the clean stuff is in the wardrobe!

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2019 02:37

Why have you put up with this shit? Clearly, this is not new behaviour. Haven't you known what he's like all along?

HelenaDove · 19/05/2019 02:42

Ahhh yes Another member of the "wanting it like the 1950s but with 2019 bits thrown in" tribe.

mokapot · 19/05/2019 02:42

dog walking sex

The mind boggles... 6am walks in the rain picking up shit suddenly becomes enticing--

aidelmaidel · 19/05/2019 03:01

I haven't had sex in months because every time anybody starts a snuggle the damn dog dives into the middle like a bloody heat-seeking missile. Dog-waking sex sounds like a definite improvement on that.

OP your husband is being a cock. Maybe he doesn't care, but you care, so he needs to at least work with you in finding an acceptable compromise, not huff about and complain like a dog whose owners have chucked her out of the bedroom so they can have a quickie.

ohtheholidays · 19/05/2019 03:08

I'd be very very tempted to pick up the lazy bastards laundry throw it out the back garden and then stomp up and down on it.

If he won't do his fair share and moans at you about mess make a fucking mess and leave him to deal with it!

Stop doing anything for him,fucking sulking how old is he 14?!

Comps83 · 19/05/2019 04:00

DH used to tell me he couldn’t clean the bathroom as he didn’t know how. I mean that’s fair enough, as I have a masters degree in bloody shower maintenance obviously!
He quite often accuses me of not pulling my weight . So I point out that I do as much if not more than him, difference is I don’t feel the need to crow about it. He tells me about every bit of housework he does like he’s expecting a medal. And obviously thinks his shirts magically end up clean again back in his wardrobe .

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 19/05/2019 04:03

Stop facilitating him.
Stop doing his laundry, or anything else for him, including sex.

k1233 · 19/05/2019 04:35

Well maybe you should start telling him when you're annoyed

  • I'm annoyed at being the only person doing the laundry
  • I'm annoyed at being the only person who shops
  • I'm annoyed at being the only person who cooks
  • I'm annoyed at being the only person who cleans

Every time you do a household chore tell him how much it annoys you to have to do it.

I've only been in your situation in my first relationship. Ever since then, as I loathe and detest housework, at the beginning of all relationships I'm extremely clear that I am not their mothers, I hate housework and if I have to be miserable then I expect them to be equally as miserable and do housework with me. Best arrangement I had was where one person would cook all meals and lunches and do dishes for the week (also had to shop for food to cook) the other did pets. Weekends we spent the Saturday morning both cleaning and doing washing until all house chores were done.

Antigon · 19/05/2019 05:00

Good on you for losing your shit at him! Stop doing anything for the lazy twat!

Unfinishedkitchen · 19/05/2019 05:13

I noticed you said you had a DD so I’m assuming you have one child with him? If so, please do not try and have another with him. His attitude is appalling and won’t change. All that will happen is that you’ll have three people to clean up after instead of two.

There are countless threads where a woman is complaining as you are whilst casually dropping in they are 36 weeks pregnant with their third and you have to wonder why if the man was like that with one child why a decision to have more and make life even harder was made.

Set a rota and if he doesn’t follow it, don’t clean his stuff.

fghkhfdryjkv · 19/05/2019 05:27

Dude get a divorce. Why have you given him a get out of jail free card to be a lazy useless man child? He can go live on his own and live in filth if he likes it so much.

Flyingkites123 · 19/05/2019 05:48

From my own experience, I'd say the problem with being in an abusive relationship (and I'd suggest at the very least he's abusing your good nature here) /a relationship without respect, is that your sense of normality shifts so that his behaviour just becomes the norm and then it becomes acceptable.

I have an ex just like your current OH. And now I'm with someone who does value my time and efforts and takes joint responsibility for the housework. I've got to tell you the difference is like night and day. It's the difference between feeling like youre wilting or blooming.

And the snag is, it's much harder to leave your OH/demands changes when you've got kids with him. But it's much more important you do because your DD will model her future relationships on what she sees at home. Do you want her to think that what he does is OK? There's a much healthier sense of normality than the one you experience and I hope you find it.

What is it about him that you love? Makes you glad to wake up to him every day?

LittleLongDog · 19/05/2019 05:52

Please don’t do his laundry ever again.

What a twat.

Of course he doesn’t want to. Does he think you want to?!

Twotinydictators · 19/05/2019 05:58

My DH did nothing indoors (apart from all the DIY, lawmmowing etc.) as he worked long hours and I made a rod for my own back when we first lived together. By the time we'd had second DC and I was back working part-time and I couldn't cope with all the domestic drudge alone. It took a bit of time as he didn't really have a clue but we had a few frank conversations and he started to step-up. We now share things much more equally (he works less hours now too) and he does all the cooking, meal planning and food shopping (turns out he's much better at it than me!).

Things have to change or it will destroy your marriage.

NabooThatsWho · 19/05/2019 06:25

YABU to stay with someone who thinks you are his personal maid and doesn’t give a shit about your feelings. His attitude is horrible.
He ‘doesn’t care’ about the mess, or you.

NabooThatsWho · 19/05/2019 06:26

Sorry, didn’t mean mess, meant housework! Too early in the morning.

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