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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have just lost it at DH

120 replies

Bumbalaya · 18/05/2019 23:47

DH doesn't do much housework or anything that helps our household run smoothly on a regular basis.

He says his reason for not cleaning the kitchen or the bathroom is that "he doesn't want to/ care" (HIS WORDS)

I do the majority of the housework, childcare and organisation and 100% of the cooking and cleaning PLUS WORKING 5 days a week as he does. He does wash up but won't wipe side boards or sweep kitchen floor.

Anyway in the past month he has made 3 passive aggressive comments about the "random piles of my shit" causing him to not be able to find things.

When I looked the so called "random piles of 'my' shit" were a) a pile of towels and bedding that I had washed and folded b) a pile of his daughter's clean clothes c) a pile of our daughter's clothes that again I have laundered but not put away. Oh yeah his clean clothes too that I washed.

I lost it at him tonight because I find it very galling to hear him complain about my mess even though he doesn't help with it. He says that he can't because he doesn't know what is clean and what is dirty.

I told him that his attitude of "I don't care about the mess is why I don't do housework" is bollocks because he is busy making pass ag comments to me about "my" mess.

I swore at him, told him that he is like a lazy teenager and that his attitude towards household work is threatening our marriage.

He has gone to bed saying "I won't say when I feel annoyed in future then".

GAAAAHH

AIBU to go mad a him?

TIA.

OP posts:

BookwormMe2 · 19/05/2019 08:08

And he won’t care if he stinks at work. He does not brush his teeth and he sometimes goes to work with hair thick with grease.

Forget the other stuff, this would be my deal breaker. Why are you staying with someone who so loathsome and who treats you like a skivvy? Think about the example you're setting for your daughter, too. In years to come, how will you feel if she marries a lazy arse, unhygienic carbon copy of her dad, because she thinks men like that are a catch?

You said you cleaned his daughter's clothes too - does that mean you have a DSD and he was married before? If so, why did that relationship end? (Although I can hazard a guess)

Happynow001 · 19/05/2019 08:08

-threatening to leave (not as easy now we have DD)
I feel for you OP but it sounds as though he really doesn't think you're really serious enough to do anything permanent (ie leave) because of your daughter and those rainbow times when we were having a so called lazy not I h snuggling with our daughter in bed. He played the guitar, she played

He sees you "having a strop" or being "hormonal" (my quotes) because this is an argument we revisit every month (usually when I have PMT)

and then things go back to normal - for him - until the next time.

However it doesn't sound as though things will ever really get better, you'll keep getting angry as he won't change and your daughter is learning this is how things work in a relationship. You are in a tough spot if you don't want to separate.

PeapodBurgundy
Are you OK? Is he often like this? Doesn't sound like a safe environment for you..
Last time I pulled him up on his passive aggressive comments about the state of the house, he had a tantrum and smashed/ripped apart the bathroom door with his bare hands. I now have no door on my dining room as he had to move it upstairs to replace the bathroom one. Bellend.

SunshineCake · 19/05/2019 08:09

It's put up and shut up or get the fuck out as he won't change. Why would he when he has the life he wants. Don't show your child this is what women have to accept. Stinky teeth and greasy hair. Yuk.

GCAcademic · 19/05/2019 08:10

And he won’t care if he stinks at work. He does not brush his teeth and he sometimes goes to work with hair thick with grease.

That would be marriage over for me.

MrsBertBibby · 19/05/2019 08:22

He never brushes his teeth? WTF?

HBStowe · 19/05/2019 08:23

I would truly threaten divorce here, because this is about so much more than him not helping clean up. This is about him disrespecting you so completely that even though he knows he is being unfair, even though he knows he is creating more work for you, even though he knows he is making deliberate choices that will be difficult and stressful for you, he simply doesn’t care because he prioritises his convenience over any consideration for you whatsoever. This is ultimatum territory for me - he instantly starts pulling his weight, or in a month’s time you’re out. He is not behaving the way a man who loves and respects you would.

Quartz2208 · 19/05/2019 08:26

YOu have tried everything and it still doesnt change

Yes OP you need to either decide if you can live with it (I couldnt and wouldnt) or separate because this is no environment for your daughter both seeing her Dad not bothering and treating her mum like this and her mum shouting and getting stressed at her Dad

PeapodBurgundy · 19/05/2019 08:27

Happynow001 I got the DC o of the house. We're managing. It's only the 2nd time it's happened like that. We have nowhere else to go until I can change my personal circumstances and finances, which can't happen as yet (long list of issues with DS). I rarely complain about it so it's not like he's doing that on a daily/weekly basis. It's shit, but it is what it is.

Singlenotsingle · 19/05/2019 08:35

Why are so many men like this? In really don't understand. My dp does his own washing and ironing, folds it up and puts it away. He doesn't let me do it (suits me!). He says I don't do it right

babbi · 19/05/2019 08:41

Been there and done that ... as previous posters have said .. he won’t change .
You either decide to put up with this or leave .
Eventually I left ( having had the arguments you are having , ultimatums etc - he just didn’t think I’d leave )

Fantastic not to have that endless battle and to be someone’s skivvy ...

Ex DH and I are great friends now ...
I drop by his fairly regularly and his place is always pristine 🤷‍♀️
So he could do it - just chose not to - saw it is my job .....

RaspberryBubblegum · 19/05/2019 08:51

Can't you just tidy up yours and DD's mess and not his? Don't wash his clothes etc? He'd have to clean them eventually surely?!

Simonfromharlow · 19/05/2019 08:56

My stbexh categorically would not help me around the house. He actually once said him, the house and our kids were all I needed in my life and being a housewife was my life.

RaymondReddington · 19/05/2019 09:00

This is a very interesting blog by a man who was divorced by his wife.

she divorced me because I left dishes by the sink

SEND IT TO HIM AND LEAVE THE HOUSE

you can keep enabling the behaviour if it continues.

Either your expectations lower (stupid idea)

Or he starts contributing to the family home.

The alternative is that you actually leave him.

It’s disrespectful on so many levels.

RaymondReddington · 19/05/2019 09:01

Typo

*cant keep enabling the behaviours

justilou1 · 19/05/2019 09:02

I would categorically refuse to cook or clean for him, refuse to have sex with him or let him in my bed. He sounds like a grub. I would pick up anything he’d left lying around (no matter how offensive it was) and put it in a bin bag in the shed or a cupboard he never looks into. (The laundry sounds safe!) I would say nothing at all if he asked “Have you seen my....?” Or “Where’s the....?” just don’t play that game at all, and see how long he lasts until he cleans himself up. If he does lose his shit, you could end up with the final answer, “Oh, I threw it out, because you left it everywhere and you said that don’t care. So now I don’t either.”

81Byerley · 19/05/2019 09:05

Lack of personal hygiene would do it for me...yuck!
If you want it nice for you and your daughter, just gather up all his crap in a bin liner and put it on his side of the bed. Stop doing anything for him. My friend did this and also in "innocent" conversation found out how much her husband was spending on his hobby, then transferred the same amount to a private bank account every week for about 3 years, when she emptied the bank account, hid the cash then applied for a divorce...

BarbarianMum · 19/05/2019 09:06

Urgh! How can you stand it OP?

billy1966 · 19/05/2019 09:10

He sounds disgusting ugh. Poor OP.

"the only reason a person changes their behaviour is self interest"

When you really hear and understand that statement it is a revelation.

So if someone continues to ignore you and disrespect you when you have calmly asked the to help/ contribute etc. They are letting you know they don't care about you and what you think.

In this situation when dealing with my 17 year old son I stopped being obliging with lifts/ stopped picking up things he asked for/ changed the password on the wifi.

It didn't take too long for him to get the message.

Stop doing anything for him that makes his life easier. End of.

outvoid · 19/05/2019 09:10

Look, I had the same problem with my DP and my DC for that matter too. I grew tired of doing absolutely everything so just stopped. I only did what was important and left other mess to accumulate. It annoyed me so much at first but they have now all started to help which is great. I got tired of nagging so stopped that too. DP had terrible habits such as leaving dirty clothes/towels on the bathroom floor for example. I used to pick them up and put them in the laundry basket for him but now I just leave them until he returns from work, he will inevitably pick them up himself.

Sometimes you have to stop being a martyr in life otherwise they’ll never learn.

BlueSkiesLies · 19/05/2019 09:13

Why did you pick this fine specimen to share dna with and create children?

You probably could have done better.

TooManyPaws · 19/05/2019 09:15

So what has he actually got going for him? He's dirty, disrespectful, lazy, critical, and a whole bunch of other crap. See a lawyer to see what you would be entitled to in the event of dumping this total waste of space and either use it as a bargaining chip or carry it out. Without this leech you'd have less work and be able to bring your daughter up to demand an equal partner. Show her that you won't be used.

And I'd be surprised if his work let him away with stinking and filthy.

Whatafustercluck · 19/05/2019 09:19

Stbx bil was/ is like this. When dsis was thinking about leaving him, she stopped doing "his" washing, ironing, shopping, cooking etc. She was in a different position, was sahm. He simply cut off her money. So she got a job and fucked off out of there. So proud of her. You don't have to put up with this shit op, nobody does.

SilverySurfer · 19/05/2019 09:22

Assuming he has never been any different, you have enabled him for years. The time to sort this out was when you started living together. Added to his lack of personal hygiene he sounds revolting.

I would tell him to shape up or ship out.

7yo7yo · 19/05/2019 09:26

Wow. Wtaf goes through his mind?
So he has no self respect. And no respect for you? What actually is his purpose in life?? Get rid op.
@PeapodBurgundy are you ok?

sourdoh · 19/05/2019 09:27

*"the only reason a person changes their behaviour is self interest"

When you really hear and understand that statement it is a revelation.

So if someone continues to ignore you and disrespect you when you have calmly asked the to help/ contribute etc. They are letting you know they don't care about you and what you think.
*

Nail on the head. My experience is exactly this. I remember trying to get my ex to see that just because he didnt think something was important , didn't make it so in the grander scheme of things.
he used to come in from work all 'show' and announce " how can i be of assistance..."

You need to decide the non-negotiables OP and stick to them. He will walk over you otherwise

You have my sympathies

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