MIL always asking DH to meet him and DD- am I being precious?

[WhiskeyJarro]

We live near MIL and have a one year old DD. She frequently texts DH asking to meet him and DD for a coffee, she doesn't text me to ask me and when she messages DH she doesn't ask to see all three of us, just the two of them.

I understand he is her son and she will want to see him more than me, but if ever she finds out DH is alone with DD she wants to come over and spend time with them. I suppose I feel a bit weird about the fact that she wants to spend time with DD and DH without me there as she clearly prefers that to when I'm there too.

AIB a bit precious about this or should she be "inviting" all of us? It's just casual coffees locally, or going for a walk etc, but today she knows we are both free. I could easily join and go along if I wanted to, DH wouldn't bat an eyelid, it's more the invitations to him only asking to see him and DD that grate on me slightly, I just wonder why she doesn't say: "would be lovely to see you all".

AIBU?

Does your mother invite all three of you all the time? What about friends?

I don’t see an issue having a few spare hours to myself - maybe MIL thinks she’s doing you a favour?

Has she ever asked to see all of you, or is it always an invite to your DH and DD?

On a weekend or when DH is not at work yes my DM always invites all of us.

I don't think she thinks she's doing us a favour I think she just genuinely prefers to just see DH and DD.

YANBU. The real question, as far as I'm concerned, is why your husband is seemingly fine with his mother showing such disrespect to his wife. Are you invisible, ffs? This is shockingly rude.

@MulticolourMophead the only time she would ask to see me is if DH is working and she wants to see DD. She has never messaged DH asking to see all of us, she might ask to come over knowing I'm here too but if she's asking to go out somewhere casual like this it is only ever DH and DD she invites.

I don't see anything too wrong with this, because I prefer to spend casual time with my parents without my spouse around. Not that I don't want him around, it just changes the dynamics a lot. He prefers it thar way too, do all's good. Enjoy your free time!

I wish my mil did that! I'd love some guilt free time alone. I think just invite yourself or get dh to do it if you want to go.

Your mil is perfectly entitled to want to spend time with her son and grandaughter without you around. You aren’t a gatekeeper to your family. How ridiculous.

I would be thinking the same, especially since she wants to visit the house when she knows you are out. I would start going along to the coffee invite

My MIL is like this. My parents wouldn’t dream of not inviting my DH if they were inviting me and DC to something, so I find it very odd. Especially as I have tried and tried to be nice and get along with her, so now I just ignore it. She loses out anyway, as I want to spend my free time with my DH and our children and I’m with them most of the time. And as she deliberately excludes me, I exclude her too. So her potential time with our DC is drastically reduced from what it could be. FIL, and all the other aunties and uncles aren’t like this and are therefore welcome to drop in at our house and they do join us on family outings.

@Yapyapnonstop if I am going out for whatever reason she is without fail at our house. That's why I have started to realise it's a bit deliberate maybe?

Do you get on ok with her? Do you ever ask her out for a coffee?

I have a different take, I think she's mentioning dd to stress she doesn't actually want to see him particularly so doesn't want him turning up alone (because you are out with dd!). It's normal for her to text him and I don't think she's actually excluding you, she wants to see her grandchild whose too young to arrive alone!

YABU, it is her son and DG.

@NoSauce we get on pretty well on the whole and I do meet her for coffee because she wants to see DD a lot- sometimes I suggest it and sometimes she does (when DH is at work). If DH is free she invites only him and DD.

I would think most mothers spend time with their children and mum away from their partners. How is this different,

I think she is entitled to want to see her son without you.

The depressing thing is that she never really wants to see you OR her son at all, just her grandchild. It's like neither of you really exist anymore except as a means to an end.

Her son is OK - with grandchild. But proper family gathering, nah, not interested.

I'd imagine your dd will chat to dmil more if you're not there maybe?

Hmm that’s a bit weird then. Could it be her way of facilitating you get some free time? Or maybe she just wants to catch up with her son and GD? There’s no actual law that says once you’re married a man can never see his mother without his wife

If the relationship is good I wouldn’t take offence.

@NoSauce Yeah I think she just wants to see them both without me which I get to a point. I suppose I just feel a bit rejected by it but didn't know if that was me being over sensitive.

It definitely sounds deliberate to me

Maybe dh is happier for her to take over with dd than you are?

YABU.

Unless you have a really good relationship, she will definitely prefer her son and grandchild over you. After all, if you guys split up they are the permanent ones.

When you are there she should respect you though and treat ur decently ?

From reading MN the relationship between a DIL and her MIL seems very complex to me. So many reasons that either of them can take offence or be upset with one another.

Maybe you should ask her why she doesn’t invite you? Be upfront and honest. Life’s too short for feeling upset about something that probably doesn’t even exist. Maybe she would say that she wants to spend time with just her son, if you ever have a son would you honestly always want to see him with his wife in tow?

Don’t overthink it.

if you guys split up they are the permanent ones

We are a married couple and I am DD's mother. It doesn't get much more permanent surely?