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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL always asking DH to meet him and DD- am I being precious?

102 replies

WhiskeyJarro · 18/05/2019 15:59

We live near MIL and have a one year old DD. She frequently texts DH asking to meet him and DD for a coffee, she doesn't text me to ask me and when she messages DH she doesn't ask to see all three of us, just the two of them.

I understand he is her son and she will want to see him more than me, but if ever she finds out DH is alone with DD she wants to come over and spend time with them. I suppose I feel a bit weird about the fact that she wants to spend time with DD and DH without me there as she clearly prefers that to when I'm there too.

AIB a bit precious about this or should she be "inviting" all of us? It's just casual coffees locally, or going for a walk etc, but today she knows we are both free. I could easily join and go along if I wanted to, DH wouldn't bat an eyelid, it's more the invitations to him only asking to see him and DD that grate on me slightly, I just wonder why she doesn't say: "would be lovely to see you all".

AIBU?

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 18/05/2019 16:25

It's a bit rude to continually exclude one person.

I think it's also odd your mil never wants to see her son. Only with your dd.

Mentalray · 18/05/2019 16:31

Maybe you should 'pretend' to go out a few times and then unexpectedly return because you forgot your purse or changed your mind or something!! It's childish, I know, but then you could gauge for a reaction.

Also - maybe it's probably not about you per se --- maybe she just wants to see her son alone and I can't blame her for that, but it is a bit rude to keep purposely turning up when you're not there. It would irk after a while

Waveysnail · 18/05/2019 16:34

Is it because dd doesnt interact with grandparent if your there? When mine were younger they were great with grandparent if I wasnt there as soon as I appeared they only.wanred me and dodnt give gp a look in. That's my parents as well as dh

Constance1234 · 18/05/2019 16:44

Maybe she thinks you'd appreciate a break and have some time to yourself?

BertrandRussell · 18/05/2019 16:47

“ I think she just genuinely prefers to just see DH and DD.”

Why wouldn’t she? Her family links are with him and her, not with you.

clairemcnam · 18/05/2019 16:49

If you sometimes see her all together, I think this is fine. I talk to my mum without DP being there. My mum will talk to me about things that she won't talk about when my DP is there. She likes DP fine, but they are not close and she would not confide things to him.

topcat2014 · 18/05/2019 16:53

I am not really seeing the problem. I don't have much in common with MIL, and DW does not really get on with my DPs. If you are fortunate to live in reasonable travelling distance (ie the same town) then surely this is the best way to run your lives?

Obviously Christmas and other set pieces - fine as a 'whole' the rest of the time, no biggie for me.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/05/2019 16:56

I intend to spend time with my chidren as adults as they will always be my children. I don't get the constant need to be with a partner or not be able to do things alone. It seems very controlling.

BertrandRussell · 18/05/2019 16:58

My take on the mil/dil relationship is that it’s a-for want of a better word-peripheral one. The dp and the children have shared history, they are “proper family” if you like. You are really lucky if you have a better than cordial acquaintance with your mil. Mine’s OK, for example, but she is of a different generation, education, employment history, experience, social class to me. We have very different interests-very little in common, apart from dp and the dcs. They all love each other-she’s a brilliant mum and grandma, so I just let them get in with it.

Cottonwoolmouth · 18/05/2019 16:58

Why wouldn’t she? Her family links are with him and her, not with you

Ugh. And you wonder why mils get such a bad rap on here....

OP some mother in laws just can’t get over the fact that there little boy loves another woman, they can’t cope with the lack of attention. Some MILS embrace the addition to their family and love to see their family grow.

Looks like you know which one you have.

BertrandRussell · 18/05/2019 17:01

“Ugh. And you wonder why mils get such a bad rap on here.... “

Sorry? Don’t understand.

BertrandRussell · 18/05/2019 17:03

I don’t want my mil to be a mother to me - and I am sure she doesn’t want me to be a daughter to her!

klendraa · 18/05/2019 17:06

@whiskeyJarro

Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that but simply that she is his mother for life. You may not be his wife for life iyswim. Plus, that’s his mother. It’s obviously a totally different relationship.

foreverhanging · 18/05/2019 17:08

YANBU op, I wouldn't like this either

ShellieEllie · 18/05/2019 17:08

How does she word her texts? Is it perhaps the way your DH is interpreting them?

Twotinydictators · 18/05/2019 17:09

There should be room for all types of interaction between you, sometimes just DM and DD, sometimes just DH, DM and DD and sometimes all of you. I could never imagine contacting my DS and asking him to meet me without his wife every single time, or ever in fact! That's just so rude. It's hard to think of an explanation other than she just doesn't like you Sad

snowflakesnow · 18/05/2019 17:09

Maybe she wants to be causal and relaxed and finds being around you tiring or not relaxed. Not forced conversations. Maybe she can't wants to have a casual coffee with her son and see her gc and may pay for it so doesn't want to pay for you also that would surely add up over time.

foreverhanging · 18/05/2019 17:10

My MIL would never think to not invite me, and neither would my mum not invite Dh. It's just polite !

Confusedbeetle · 18/05/2019 17:15

I am a bit confused, she sometimes asks all of you, she sometimes asks you and dd and sometimes asks her son and dd. Surely this is ok? She is not excluding you. She may also enjoy your company without her son. Could you be over thinking this? I quite like to see my daughter without her oh, and my son without DIL . the partners are fine it is just a different dynamic if husbands and wives are always there. Ring the changes

NoSauce · 18/05/2019 17:17

OP some mother in laws just can’t get over the fact that there little boy loves another woman, they can’t cope with the lack of attention. Some MILS embrace the addition to their family and love to see their family grow

Or some MILs just want to maintain a relationship worth their grown up son? Or do you think that’s not allowed once he’s married?

Cottonwoolmouth · 18/05/2019 17:22

I don’t want my mil to be a mother to me - and I am sure she doesn’t want me to be a daughter to her!

Well your arrangement works well for you both.

My ex mil was a great MiL, neither played the mother daughter role but we involved each other and enjoyed each other company. I’m still great friends with her.

My current mil just can’t get past the ‘not real’ family view. It vibrates off her. I’m a usurper to her. It’s a shame as she misses out.

Cottonwoolmouth · 18/05/2019 17:23

Or some MILs just want to maintain a relationship worth their grown up son? Or do you think that’s not allowed once he’s married

Of course. Can they only do that in privacy though? Don’t you think that’s a bit weird like?

NoSauce · 18/05/2019 17:31

MIL does meet the OP for coffee on her own though.. I don’t think it’s weird that she would like to see her son on their own as long as MIL isn’t hostile or mean to the OP ( which she isn’t as the OP says they get on well in the main )

Does she invite you all round for meals etc OP?

NewAccount270219 · 18/05/2019 17:32

My MIL clearly love seeing DH and DS without me. My parents absolutely relished it when DS and I went to stay with them for a week while DH was away. I feel like that's all normal? I quite like seeing my brother without his GF sometimes too. It's not about not liking those people - I really like SIL, my parents have a huge affection for DH - it's just that family dynamics are always different with 'outsiders' there and it's nice to do just nuclear family sometimes. Your MIL clearly isn't avoiding seeing you ever, so I couldn't get worked up about this.

justasking111 · 18/05/2019 17:34

My DS turns up with the grandchildren it is usually because DIL wants to crack on with a job. Sometimes my DCs turn up on their own, for a cuppa and chat. I would not send out an invite specifically for DS and children though. My DIL`s are always busy juggling work, house, so do not expect to see them all the time. We do go out together occasionally for a bit of shopping, lunch which is lovely.

I would not worry OP just get on with something or chill out.

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