MIL always asking DH to meet him and DD- am I being precious?

[WhiskeyJarro]

We live near MIL and have a one year old DD. She frequently texts DH asking to meet him and DD for a coffee, she doesn't text me to ask me and when she messages DH she doesn't ask to see all three of us, just the two of them.

I understand he is her son and she will want to see him more than me, but if ever she finds out DH is alone with DD she wants to come over and spend time with them. I suppose I feel a bit weird about the fact that she wants to spend time with DD and DH without me there as she clearly prefers that to when I'm there too.

AIB a bit precious about this or should she be "inviting" all of us? It's just casual coffees locally, or going for a walk etc, but today she knows we are both free. I could easily join and go along if I wanted to, DH wouldn't bat an eyelid, it's more the invitations to him only asking to see him and DD that grate on me slightly, I just wonder why she doesn't say: "would be lovely to see you all".

AIBU?

Be grateful that she's bypassing you. My DP's sisters and DM always contact me to arrange stuff with him... bloody annoying.

Crikey, if it was man posting saying his MIL always wanted to meet with his DW and DD the man would get slaughtered on here. Be glad they meet and have some time together, it gives you free time too - go to the gym, read a book, have a bubble bath...

Maybe I'm just lucky for having a great DIL, but I can't imagine tacitly excluding her from a meet-up with DS and DGC. She doesn't in any way constrain my interaction with DS. Indeed, if she isn't going to be there when DS invites me round he apologises for her absence, which I think is only right and proper. She is, after all, one half of the hosting team.

Even if I didn't like her, I'd still expect her to be there because she's DS's life partner and mother of my DGC (and it helps to have an extra hand to wrangle the lively sprogs). We'd have to seriously not get on before I'd gently suggest it might be better if I meet my son separately.

YANBU my MIL is exactly the same as soon as she knew I was out the house or away she was around like a shot.
I didn’t cotton on for a while, when I had DS2 I popped with DS1 to a playgroup came back & she was holding DS2 who I had left at a week old to bond with DH.

If I go on a weekend away or away for day & she knows DH has got kids she jumps. I never got asked about until I went NC as this one of many things I can’t be assed to deal with in my life & now she asks when it’s too late.

It’s the lack of effort to get to know me as a person rather than as a vessel for grandchildren. I would never treat someone like this.

My dad always asks about DH, always invites us all, actually got to know DH as a person & has a relationship with him.

Bring this up with your DH why does he think this is okay?

Do you spend time with your mother alone? Why is it accepted mothers and daughters can have friendship but not mothers and sons? I hope to be able to spend some time alone with my sons when they're older, because time alone is precious too, just as I value time with my DH, with my mum etc etc, it doesn't mean I dislike anyone else in that moment.

go to the gym, read a book, have a bubble bath

Wooooooo treat yourself to a bubble bath...

It works for me OP 😂😂 yabu. Do you actually want to go...?

Cotton it is a treat for some. I was just giving examples. No need to be sarcy.

Fuck me, but the lengths some people will go to to make their Mil the bad guy is just astounding.

Of course a mother and daughter meeting up is perfectly natural....

Bit weird! I spend time with my MIL and my parents with/ without DH. DH the same. We usually have DS nowadays, but we did before and will when he is in school.

So would you find it strange if when you were at home with your husband your MIL messaged him saying:

"Can I see you and DGD today?" And exclude you?

She probably thinks that because she sees you and DD when DH is at work that it would be nice to see him when you’re at your “arrangement” - I honestly can’t see what she’s doing wrong here OP.

This ^
Some people on Mn do seem to go out of their way to create an issue when there really isn't one.

How often do the two of you invite her over? Maybe she has got the idea that you're not very keen on her for some strange reason?

@WhiskeyJarro no not particularly, my mum has often said how much she misses seeing my brother, whenever she sees him it's always with my SIL. It just isn't the same, sometimes you just want some time with your child. Is your DH with you every time you see your parents?

So would you find it strange if when you were at home with your husband your MIL messaged him saying:
"Can I see you and DGD today?" And exclude you?

I'd have been delighted, if she had, tbh. Instead of expecting to take up my precious time off work sitting chatting to her.

What of your DH replied : sure , we are trying to spend more time together as a family, it would be nice if you were here with whole family.

I think as has been said, her main interest is her granddaughter.

If you and DD were out, would she ever arrange to see your DH then?

I don't call coffee meet ups an invitation really though.

Me and my sisters prefer to meet up without our DHs around.

I often see my parents without DH being there.

Central to every meet up is your DD. That's who your MIL is interested in.

sometimes you just want some time with your child.

I agree.

Marriage doesn't mean you're joined at the hip.

If DH got that message, he'd reply, 'Sure, we'll all come along' and the three of us would go. Does your DH never say that?

Maybe this suggestion has been made already, but you being the mother of her grandchild puts a little glass wall in front of her GD as to the social ties she experiences.

When you are with your child, you’re mummy. When your husband enters the room, you play the role of mummy & wife.

Her perspective is that in the room she is mother and grandmother, but if you join the room she is mother, MIL & paternal grandmother. She has a much more complex dynamic to manoeuvre to interact with her GD

Basically, you can tell your own mother/offspring to shut up but you can’t tell someone else’s, especially if they have stronger reasons not to

Do you need to be specifically invited? If DM texts and says, I'm taking the dog to the beach do you and DS want to come, she isn't excluding DH she expects that if he's available and wants to come he will and she's happy to see him, he's my husband and the invite is implicit. She probably wouldn't message him and say the same but that's because I'm always around. When I'm back at work if she wants to see DS she will.

I have a couple of long standing arrangements which mean I am out of the home at the same times each week - this is when she always asks to see DH also.

Actually are you sure it's not about you at all and just a case of 'oh poor little menz, all alone with a child, he needs me to help', which clearly he doesn't. It could just be her gender bias showing

So, she sees you and your daughter alone, and sees your husband and your daughter alone. I don't really see an issue. If she's doing the outings with him when you're not available, maybe it's because she doesn't want to encroach on family time.

I don't see the problem here either if sometimes she sees you and DD alone, sometimes she sees DH and DD alone, and sometimes she sees the three of you together?

Does she ever look after DD alone?

AIB a bit precious about this or should she be "inviting" all of us?

I think the problem here is that there is no 'should', it's whatever works best for your family.

I'm also wondering if, when she texts DH and says are you and DD free for a coffee, that you could also include you. If I text my brother and say do you want to come over, I hope he realises that I mean you as in him and his DP!