MIL always asking DH to meet him and DD- am I being precious?

[WhiskeyJarro]

We live near MIL and have a one year old DD. She frequently texts DH asking to meet him and DD for a coffee, she doesn't text me to ask me and when she messages DH she doesn't ask to see all three of us, just the two of them.

I understand he is her son and she will want to see him more than me, but if ever she finds out DH is alone with DD she wants to come over and spend time with them. I suppose I feel a bit weird about the fact that she wants to spend time with DD and DH without me there as she clearly prefers that to when I'm there too.

AIB a bit precious about this or should she be "inviting" all of us? It's just casual coffees locally, or going for a walk etc, but today she knows we are both free. I could easily join and go along if I wanted to, DH wouldn't bat an eyelid, it's more the invitations to him only asking to see him and DD that grate on me slightly, I just wonder why she doesn't say: "would be lovely to see you all".

AIBU?

Of course. Can they only do that in privacy though? Don’t you think that’s a bit weird like?

I wouldn't consider my relationship with DM to be the same if I never saw her without DH there. We talk about different things when it's just us. I don't see why MIL isn't allowed to feel the same about DH

What would happen if you turned up at the cafe with DH and DD?

My parents never invited just me and DS and ignored DH. We did live quite a distance from them so just couldn't pop in for coffee.

When I was SAHM I did sometimes go and see them with DS whilst DH was at work, but that would usually be something I would arrange rather than them inviting us knowing DH wouldn't be able to come. It also meant DH could spend quality time with DS at a weekend rather than all of us traipsing up to see my parents.

I always found it quite interesting when we spoke to our respective mothers on the phone, DM always asked after DH, but when DH was on the phone to his DM I could hear her asking after him and DS, but then she would change the conversation and never ask about me!

It does seem quite pointed what she is doing.

If you're at home and she invites dh and dd, would dh go alone?

My Mum wouldn't dream of inviting me out or to hers and exclude my Hubby. If she did I would ask her why my DH wasn’t invited. If she was to say she specifically wants some mother daughter/grandchild time then that would be fair enough. I would explain that to my DH and he would understand. To just not invite you with no explanation is Ill mannered! Why is your DH not concerned she is doing this to you?

“I am a bit confused, she sometimes asks all of you, she sometimes asks you and dd and sometimes asks her son and dd. Surely this is ok?“

Yep. Isn’t that just normal human interactions? Dp and I see friends sometimes together, sometimes separately- why would it not be the same for families?

Of course YABU.
She is obviously a MNer and has read the zillion threads on here complaining about MiLs always trying to make arrangements with the woman, as if it is somehow 'wifework'.
Absolutely 100% normal to have a closer connection with your own ds, than with your dil, where, in most cases the MiL can't do right for doing wrong and everything is misinterpreted.

You've said she does invite you at weekends etc - perfectly normal though, to casually have a coffee with her ds and dgc if you don't happen to be around.

How does MIL know you’ve going out? It must be DH who invites her?

I don’t see anything wrong with this op. It’s only natural to be closer to your family than your in laws. Surely it shouldn’t be an issue for her to want to spend time with your DH and DD? I see no malice in this-unless there’s a backstory here.

You sound a bit needy. Maybe try and focus on doing other things whilst they are out.

Interesting that people are asking OP what arrangements her DM makes, when actually the equivalent would be to ask what her DF does. I wonder how normal it would seem to people if OP's DF would only come and see his DGD when his son-in-law was elsewhere.

Your MIL is being extremely rude to you, OP, probably because she's more interested in her relationship with your DD than with either of you tbh, which is rude in itself, although seemingly very common. I don't suppose there's much point in either of you having a word - it's not like she's going to magically see her behaviour through new eyes. I would actively 'manage' her by having your DH say you're going to be elsewhere and then there being a 'last-minute change of plans' so you're there after all, or by making himself unavailable a lot while simultaneously increasing the number of all-family invitations, so she can't complain you're keeping her away from DD, or some such. Confound her expectations so that she stops feeling able to exercise control over you all, which is the real problem imo, not her being close to her son (if she even is).

She's excluding you and it's rude but it's a partner problem to allow it

“probably because she's more interested in her relationship with your DD than with either of you tbh, which is rude in itself”

Why on earth would a mil be as interested in a relationship with her dil as she is in a relationship with her grandchildren? As I said, cordiality is the baseline. Any more is fantastic, but a bonus.

Could it be that she doesn't want to infringe on your family time together? My mum loves my partner and they get on really well, but she tends to assume that we want to be together, just us, in our free time and doesn't like to insert herself uninvited. Could it be something like this?

No, if you read what I said, Bertrand, I'm suggesting she's more interested in her DGD than her DS. Which I think is rude, but common. It's certainly true of my own MIL, who couldn't give a fig about her son before we had children, and doesn't now, but couldn't get enough of him when a small child was part of the package. Rude and hurtful. And common.

But Sand she has invited DH and DD out when OP is at home too and free so is infringing on family time, it would be different if she only saw them when OP isn't available.

If MIL is only inviting them to a cafe or on a walk then it wouldn't hurt if OP turned up, and it would be interesting to see MIL's reaction if she did turn up. Would be different if MIL had made a meal and OP turned up uninvited, but then it would probably even more rude if DH and DD were invited to dinner without OP

To be clear - she never invites me at any time if DH is available. (I say "invite" - it's arrange to meet somewhere and no to the PP who said she pays for everything, that's 100% not the case!) If DH is at work and she wants to see my daughter she contacts me and I will accommodate her seeing her. If DH is around she will ask only to see him and our daughter- she doesn't explicitly ask for me not to be there but she will never ever ask to see us all.

I have a couple of long standing arrangements which mean I am out of the home at the same times each week - this is when she always asks to see DH also.

So no, there isn't a dynamic where sometimes we are all included etc.

Why have you not just turned up? Or why hasn’t DH every said that you’re at a loose end and will be coming too?

I have a couple of long standing arrangements which mean I am out of the home at the same times each week - this is when she always asks to see DH also

So she doesn’t ring up and try and arrange just for DH and DD to meet her while you’re sat at home? She just arranged it when you’re out?

She probably thinks that because she sees you and DD when DH is at work that it would be nice to see him when you’re at your “arrangement” - I honestly can’t see what she’s doing wrong here OP.

My parents would never ever solely invite me or married siblings solo anywhere.

Any invite to anyone is to everyone.
If DH doesn't want to go fine but never ever would they leave out couple specifically

It's rude. That's what she is doing.

How is making someone feel unwelcome doing someone a favour!

OP is a big girl. Invite and it's up to her if she wants to go. To consistently only invite her son and grandchild out is plain rude.

She’s meeting her son when the OP is out and she meets the OP when her DS is at work.

you would have thought she would be equally happy to meet you and her GD.

NoSauce she also asks to see DH and DD when OP is around, not just when she knows OP isn't.

Bertrand Russell your correct. Why on earth should any mother in law not expressly want only their blood family.

Why on earth should she want to see you op!

BY same token as the saying goes you can't choose your family 😁😁.

Many men have very tricky relations with their mums and don't want too spend time with them when they're married and have their own family.

Why on earth should any Dil help to facilitate their relationship. After all mil isn't her blood.

The wife is the man's choice however. So...

Does she never see all 3 of you together? Has your DH asked her why she never sees all 3 of you, it obviously isn't to do with cost if she isn't the one always paying.

How often does she see DD in a week?