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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think single parents are amazing

135 replies

Moorcroft · 17/05/2019 19:49

I’ve just been reading a thread about the fair division of household chores vs full time/part time work for couples. I became a single parent when DC were 9 and 10. After exH left, I had 100% responsibility for 2 DC 50/52 weeks a year (he did manage to take them on holiday, but never had them overnight or for more than a few hours at a time the rest of the year), house and garden maintenance, household admin, chauffeuring DC to activities and facilitating their social life (very rural so no public transport) and a FT job. It was exhausting, but I kept going because there wasn’t another option. Mine are grown up now, but I know there are 1000s of single parents doing the same without anyone to take up the slack.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 18/05/2019 11:59

far too many don't see children as a huge commitment, both financially and emotionally.

I agree. Those useless fathers who abandon their children don't understand what a financial and emotional commitment they are do they? I assume that's what you meant.

Lots decide it's a good idea to have them whilst dating a man they barely know

Do you think they made the child by themselves or somehow made the man ejaculate inside them without his knowledge and agreement?

Courts still very much favour mums, so I don't think it's a case of "we stayed" in a lot of cases but more than man couldn't get much residency.

Because it is usually the case that the mother is the one who stays. You seem to be another one who struggles with the difference between "lots" and "a few".

CanILeavenowplease · 18/05/2019 12:00

Lots decide it's a good idea to have them whilst dating a man they barely know, at a very early age so no career, with a new partner as they follow the mantra that to be a family you need to add a child by the step parent, to fix a relationship or keep a man etc

Lots? Please find the statistics that demonstrate ‘lots’. All the sources of statistics I know very clear,y demonstrate that the majority of single parents were married or in long term relationships when having children.

Do you judge men in the same way? For having children early on so no career, hardly knowing the woman they procreate with? Do you judge men for having children to fix a relationship? Or do you just judge the single mum who brings up the children statistically without the financial support of the other parent?

Courts still very much favour mums, so I don't think it's a case of "we stayed" in a lot of cases but more than man couldn't get much residency

Tell that to all the women unable to see their children due to the manipulation of an ex partner. And even if you ‘couldn’t get much residency’, how does that absolve you of your financial responsibilities towards your child? Why does it mean you only have to see your child when it suits you?

CanILeavenowplease · 18/05/2019 12:04

Being a parent whether alone or with a partner is a challenging task and those who do it well should be quietly proud of themselves. The key is quietly. Publicly proclaiming oneself praiseworthy or some kind of hero is just cringeworthy. As challenging as it might be, millions of people manage it so it's hardly an achievement worthy of public recognition

Yeah, single mums, shut up and manage your life without crossing the paths of decent people. Know your place, seen not heard. Tolerated but never accepted as an equal.

Just wow.

vodkaredbullgirl · 18/05/2019 12:07

Single parent and proud, why shouldnt we shout it from the roof tops lol

RuffleCrow · 18/05/2019 12:08

Me too mirali. It's not really a parenting site any more. It used to be a case of if you disagreed with someone on here it was because you had equivalent personal experience that had led you to different conclusions. Now it's just a magnet for the 'wot i reckon' DM brigade on one side and the 'your opinion is so gross' childless woke brigade on the other.

PortiaCastis · 18/05/2019 12:09

There are a few on here who are cringeworthy and they're probably not single Parents

Mirali · 18/05/2019 12:13

You're right RuffleCrow. It's offputting. Perhaps people will move on and it'll end up being an extension of the Daily Mail comments section.

ReganSomerset · 18/05/2019 12:14

YANBU. I don't know how they do it!

TooTrueToBeGood · 18/05/2019 12:20

Yeah, single mums, shut up and manage your life without crossing the paths of decent people. Know your place, seen not heard. Tolerated but never accepted as an equal.

Just wow.

Just wow at your complete inability to read and comprehend my post. I guess your eyes are blinded by the glow of your own self-proclaimed awesomeness.

Mummyshark2018 · 18/05/2019 12:21

@TooTrueToBeGood
Well said!
Every family has its challenges and of course bring a single parent may be more challenging than being married, but not if for example you're also a carer for your disabled husband. All parents doing a good job should feel proud of themselves as if you want to do it right then it's hard! However not all parents are doing a good job, this includes single parents and those in relationships.

herecomestherainagain2 · 18/05/2019 12:21

I love it - I carried all the mental load before anyway so no difference now and one less person to pick up after who it transpired was messier than the other 3 of us in the house put together!

DesperadoDan · 18/05/2019 12:23

Single mother here to a severely disabled DC and an adult DC, I work full time in quite a demanding job, sometimes I’m so tired I can’t think straight.
Put adult DC through local uni, no financial help, it was a massive struggle but I didn’t want her in any debt, she now has her own growing business.
Don’t have time to sit back and think how great I am but I’m going to take 10 now with a cuppa and a doughnut and consider it Grin
Flowers to all the amazing single parents out there, its hard and bloody lonely sometimes, unless you have raised children alone you don’t have a clue.

SoupDragon · 18/05/2019 12:24

As challenging as it might be, millions of people manage it so it's hardly an achievement worthy of public recognition

Maybe this isn't the thread for you. The title is quite clear- why come on and whinge about how parents in a relationship might also have it hard and be worthy of recognition? Yes, they probably are but this is specifically about single parents. God forbid they have a thread specifically recognising the challenges of single parents.

SoupDragon · 18/05/2019 12:25

It's like going onto a thread specifically about something to do with men and saying "what about the women!"

DulcieRay · 18/05/2019 12:30

Good parents are amazing, but this thread is specifically about single parents. Saying that single parents are amazing does not distract from how amazing all good parents are. It just says that we are too. And that often we have some unique challenges and a heavy workload.

Alsohuman · 18/05/2019 12:36

I became a single parent when my son was three. I was awesome according to him.

Mirali · 18/05/2019 12:42

Maybe some people don't like others being praised for managing on their own what they manage as part of a couple. It's a bit sad really

ReganSomerset · 18/05/2019 12:43

Publicly proclaiming oneself praiseworthy or some kind of hero is just cringeworthy.

I do wonder if the British expectation of humility contributes to our poor mental health as a nation. 'Don't be seen to be proud of your successes! How embarrassing! Let's all rake over your failures though, and judge you for them.'

I'm not a single parent and find parenting bloody hard at times. People who manage to do it all on their own must have it so much harder. And I don't think it's embarrassing if they want to pat themselves, and others in the same situation, on the back. More power to them.

CanILeavenowplease · 18/05/2019 12:48

ust wow at your complete inability to read and comprehend my post. I guess your eyes are blinded by the glow of your own self-proclaimed awesomeness

I understood perfectly well, thanks. Yes, I am absolutely amazing. You have no idea what I have been through and overcome. You have no clue what I manage on a daily basis. But I won’t keep quiet because it suits someone who thinks I shouldn’t be heard because I am a single parent.

TowandaForever · 18/05/2019 13:01

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

You spout utter rubbish

Courts do not favour mothers and there is no such thing as residency.

Nononoandno · 18/05/2019 13:08

I’m a single mum, 10 years in, divorced after 10 years.... the hardest thing for me is seeing the family life my son is missing out on... the dynamics of just being me and a 15 year old son makes holidays, Christmas etc. I get through the practical day to day stuff ok but trying to act happy, jolly and a positive influence for my sons sake is by far the most difficult part of being a single parent.

DulcieRay · 18/05/2019 13:13

@Nononoandno

Comparison is the thief of joy

RuffleCrow · 18/05/2019 13:17

I completely agree. I grew up in a big completely dysfunctional family as i've said upthread. Christmasses and birthdays were about putting up with a lot of other people's bullshit. But at least there were other people around - however distressing the interactions. It feels like i'm bringing my dcs up in a void where it's just us. Is that really any better than what i've saved them from - the violence and the sexual abuse i experienced alongside the fake 'togetherness'? Now I write it down it looks ridiculous - of course it's better!

I suppose what i'm saying is that I expectef to be alone - but not this alone. I had friends and family when we separated. I had a job. I didn't know one of my dcs was disabled. I wasn't expecting all those things to change but they did.

TabbyStar · 18/05/2019 15:31

the hardest thing for me is seeing the family life my son is missing out on.

Yes I feel like this sometimes, when DD was younger I replaced it by having lots of friends around a lot, but as they get older the kids go their own way and have different allegiances and you can't make them hang around together, so I think this is the time in my life with DD being 16 that we have fewer people around, we both go off and do our own things so when we're together it tends to be just us. And we have to cope with her feelings about her dad pretty much abandoning her.

JacquesHammer · 18/05/2019 15:42

The biggest challenge for me - and again typified by some of the opinions on this thread - is how people pigeon hole you as a single parent.

I had mums in the school playground say I made them uncomfortable when I was around their now I was single. I mean how fucking insulting. And apparently I was rude when I laughed and said they didn’t have to worry 🙄