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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think single parents are amazing

135 replies

Moorcroft · 17/05/2019 19:49

I’ve just been reading a thread about the fair division of household chores vs full time/part time work for couples. I became a single parent when DC were 9 and 10. After exH left, I had 100% responsibility for 2 DC 50/52 weeks a year (he did manage to take them on holiday, but never had them overnight or for more than a few hours at a time the rest of the year), house and garden maintenance, household admin, chauffeuring DC to activities and facilitating their social life (very rural so no public transport) and a FT job. It was exhausting, but I kept going because there wasn’t another option. Mine are grown up now, but I know there are 1000s of single parents doing the same without anyone to take up the slack.

OP posts:
Namenic · 18/05/2019 00:57

Agree @stopspinning!!!
It is amazing. Me and DH are exhausted by the time we get them to bed and we only have 2.

Blaming single parents is bad. They are doing their best - we don’t anticipate or control everything in our lives. I hope their kids can be proud of them for working so hard.

OwlBeThere · 18/05/2019 01:31

I had my first daughter exactly 10 months to the day I met her dad. It was a contraceptive failure so personally I feel GlaxoSmithKline are ‘to blame’ not me.
But anyway, I had 3 more children with my ex and our relationship ended after 10 years together. I’ve been a single mum since (7 years) and I dont think I’m amazing. I do the best I can with 4 children, 2 with ASD and I’m also disabled with mobility issues. But I don’t think I do anything that most people in my position would do and there are probably many who would do a far better job of it than me.

user764329056 · 18/05/2019 01:39

I was a single mum from the start, no money from daughter’s dad, had mortgage, very pressured full-time job, I know I did well doing it all although find it difficult to give myself credit. It is fucking hard, hard work.

vodkaredbullgirl · 18/05/2019 01:41

Ive been a single parent for over 10 yrs, Ive got 2 amazing daughters 21 and 19 yrs old.

BonAccordSpur · 18/05/2019 01:45

Been doing 100% of everything with zero financial contribution or family help(live overseas)for10 years..hell yeah single parents&our kids are amazing😊

Reflexella · 18/05/2019 01:55

@purpletigers assuming you are of child rearing age & have children - let’s hope it doesn’t happen to you.

Plenty on the relationships board who thought life was perfect until they found husband was paying out money on sex workers/shagging the secretary.

Couple of posts on and former perfect husband is seeing less of the children, quibbling over cost of school uniform & taking his new gf on holidays abroad.

I bet they’d been pretty smug too. You 100% about your relationship or have you just turned a blind eye?

dentalphobia · 18/05/2019 02:03

Single parent for 18 years, lived on poverty line due to no maintenance, only child now at top university studying for medical profession. I'm a raging success according to the gp who I saw when I was depressed and a failure.

vodkaredbullgirl · 18/05/2019 02:04

I was married for 11 yrs, relationship broke down.

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/05/2019 02:08

Purple tiger I was married over 20 years before he had a breakdown and became a deadbeat. Your ignorance is astonishing.

OkPedro · 18/05/2019 02:08

Why are people getting defensive Confused
Can single parents not be praised?
Clearly not on this thread!

SD1978 · 18/05/2019 02:48

I don't and I am one. You do what you have to, whether that's a single parent, coparent, couple, FIFO, forces, disability (yours or child's) etc. You do your best with the circumstances you have, and I don't think any one 'type' of parent deserves more praise than another.

Ihatehashtags · 18/05/2019 03:23

Yes I absolutely take my hat off to them

Seniorschoolmum · 18/05/2019 04:04

All those assuming being a single mum is bad, I love it. Every day is so much easier than before I split from ex. And ds is happier.
Single parenthood is NOT always a struggle. For me it is a joy.

Aprillygirl · 18/05/2019 05:23

Been a single mum to my 5 kids for 8 years now. I was with their dad for 18 years but since we split he has paid very little child support (none at all for 7 years) and has let the kids down time after time,gradually seen less and less of them until dwindling into never for the past two years now. I'm heartbroken for them,but they are all turning into wonderful young adults despite everything and you know what OP you're right I'm bloody well going to take the credit, give myself a pat on the back and agree that I am indeed amazing Wink

CanILeavenowplease · 18/05/2019 06:43

A lot of the woes of single mothers are very much self inflicted and could be avoided if they were more selective in choosing who they procreated with

Oh you’re one of those people. Lovely. I bet I ha e talked to you on the school run. You felt the need to sidle up to me and demand answered to questions you would never have asked of a stranger with a ring on her finger. My favourite is always do your children have the same father, followed by have you ever been married, did he beat you, are you on benefits, I suppose we pay for you to live in a nice area, do you work full time, why are your poor children always in breakfast and after school club, did you go to university, how long did you know your husband before getting married, how long did you know your husband before having children, does he pay maintenance and how much .....I could go on. I have lost count of how many people think they are owed answers to these questions.

As for your ignorant comment, I married in my 30s to a man I had been with for 4 years. I had a career, and we built a business. I own my house outright, have a Masters degree, speak 4 languages and am well travelled. I work full time and then some but still have a small enetitlement to tax credits which make a huge difference to our lives. My ex pays no maintenance. The simple fact is I did everything, absolutely everything by the book. And it still didn’t protect me from the anger and abuse of a man who decided, many years later, he no longer wanted to be with me.

hidinginthetoiletagain · 18/05/2019 07:32

My Mum was/is (I'm 41 now!) a single parent, my Father had no contract with me at all and made no financial contribution. His family also stopped bothering when I was around 3. I had a very happy childhood and my Mum is my absolute hero! I think she's absolutely incredible! She was 21 when I was born and also managed to complete 2 degrees and have a very successful professional career.

We are very close now and talk most days. I have two pre-schoolers myself and despite having a lovely husband I'm absolutely exhausted... My Mum now helps out with my children who also absolutely adore her Smile.

I am honestly grateful for her every single day.

jinju · 18/05/2019 08:12

Purpletigers, so nothing to do with the dads then. I'm sure all of your life choices are perfect, please share them with us.

DrCoconut · 18/05/2019 08:25

Unfortunately my mum didn't have a crystal ball that could predict my dad becoming terminally ill when I was small. He was inconsiderate enough to go and die on us a few years later. People judged and stereotyped us. Mum had no choice but to raise us with 100% responsibility and no maintenance payments. I'm now a lone parent of 3 due to horrible and completely unforseeable circumstances and I have them 100% too. It's not easy and I've had to give up things like my evening class due to childcare but we manage because we have to.

Grumpymug · 18/05/2019 08:27

The simple fact is I did everything, absolutely everything by the book.

Yes, someone I know did too. They didn't move in together until they were married, known each other years, two years in and the children came. 4 years after that he walked out because she was 'always busy with the kids and work' his new bit on the side apparently wasn't too busy to massage his manly ego and other bits! and so she became a single parent. Similar story to my own, and countless others. It baffles me how the men who have a 50% responsibility for such 'procreation' get none of this shit. The parent who is left gets all the work, and accused of being a feckless bum into the bargain. Haven't come that far from banishing unwed pregnant mothers really.

PortiaCastis · 18/05/2019 08:31

Yeah I'm amazing I LTB because he broke my arm and was in a refuge.
No I didn't think it could happen to me either
Marriage break down and you're a single mum
Judge not lest ye be judged

Stop making me so angry

TeachesOfPeaches · 18/05/2019 08:33

The average age of a single mum is 38 and their marriage status is divorced.

stepup123 · 18/05/2019 08:39

Another single parent here. We rock. We're not told that enough. My ex is currently due to have a child with a younger model - despite not bothering with the children he already has....

Girliefriendlikescake · 18/05/2019 08:59

I'm a single parent to a teenage dd, I didn't do it 'by the book' I found myself pregnant after a brief liaison and contraception failure.

Dds father decided he didn't want to be involved so I had my baby and raised her the best I could by myself. I have no regrets, she is wonderful and I feel very lucky.

I've also finished my degree, bought a house and developed my career but judge away if it makes you feel better Hmm

I am amazing.

PookieDo · 18/05/2019 09:03

My DD2 won’t have much to do with her dad anymore he is that crap

I feel like I am not strong I am a banshee always on the edge and I feel bad for my DC that I don’t seem to be this wonderful strong Amazonian single mother who carries the world on her shoulders no complaints. I complain and find it hard!

feistymumma · 18/05/2019 09:09

Single mum to three and yes we deserve a medal. It is bloody hard work. Do I lose points for actually having three children with different dad? DS1 who is 21 was with his dad for 9 years, DC2&3 was with their dad for 19 years - I clearly couldn't keep my legs closed!