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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil won't stop buying second hand

93 replies

Babooamoo · 17/05/2019 06:17

Just to start I have no problem with some second hand things as long as they're in good condition and fit for purpose however my MIL doesn't seem to understand this and is now calling me a snob and stuck up.

I had my first daughter 7 months ago and since then I'm petrified to step foot in her home. Every time we visit (once or twice a week) most surfaces in her house including her bed are covered in clothes for my daughter. I don't mind her wanting to buy her somethings but so far all she buys is cheap bundles of clothes that are out of season (shorts in winter and Christmas jumpers in summer) and they're all stained, worn out and filthy. Now my MIL is well to do and doesn't have to buy cheap she just loves to shop and the more she can get the better which unfortunately she hoards. On top of the clothes she's also bought an old second hand pram and cot (neither of which are sold anymore) and they're also filthy with dirt and mud although she insist she's clean them.

My main problem is any time I buy anything she goes out and buys the same and gets upset when I don't want to throw out what I've bought for my daughter and use hers instead I.e. she didn't speak for a week when I told her I would not be returning my new silvercross pram to use the one she got for £30 or my nursery furniture set. It's gotten to the point I now panic anytime I step into the house since anytime I open a cupboard or drawer I'm not joking when I say they're filled with the baby clothes and shes planning to buy more things to set up her own nursery.

This isn't her first grand child and my OH has assured me that she never did this with his nieces and nephews and thinks I'm acting insane for not getting rid of everything I took months choosing for our daughter and use what his mother's bought instead. He doesn't understand that I want the joy of doing all my new mummy firsts and his mother, although good intentions, is making me feel put out and makes sure to make me feel guilty every time I don't accept any of her gifts now such as when I showed her the nursery decorations I had just got and she bought a different one because she prefers gender neutral rooms and then proceeded to tell my OH I got my set after just to spite her, he eventually got the truth but I'm so annoyed she would ever say that and he believed her.

It's long winded I know but basically I'm at a loss and need some advice on how I should move forward.

OP posts:

Chilledout11 · 17/05/2019 06:22

I would stop visiting for a while. You are busy enough without having this to deal with. I would hate it. I don't mind the odd charity shop bargain (but there are nice charity shops near me and have bought new toys etc)

But this situation is ridiculous

Honeybee85 · 17/05/2019 06:25

I can imagine you’re upset.
I think it’s not so much for you about some things being second hand - it’s about not respecting your choices and letting you pick things that you think are best for your baby.

I think you need more support from your DH so you should have a talk with him. And put your foot down with your MIL: “ thanks very much for all the effort that you have done so far, but I prefer to buy and use things for my daughter that are my taste and that I think are best for her. If you like to help me choose, please join me the next time I go shopping for her.”

endofthelinefinally · 17/05/2019 06:26

I wonder if she is unwell, or showing early signs of dementia?
I agree that you should take a break for a while.
Do you think it would be easier to accept things and just get rid of them?
Your DH is just putting his head in the sand.
Does he actually look at the stuff she is buying?

Shoxfordian · 17/05/2019 06:26

Yes stop visiting
Also practice saying

Thank you but I already have one
Thank you but I don't want that
So kind but we don't need one

Try to get your partner on side as well. He sounds like he's part of the problem

Jojoanna · 17/05/2019 06:31

Where does she buy these filthy items from ? I would say no thanks I already have plenty

Raver84 · 17/05/2019 06:32

My mil is similar though not only second hand but sale stuff too. It drives me mad. I used to take what she bought and just pop into a charity shop but there was so much as I have 4 children it became another shit job for me to keep dropping it all off. I now just refuse to take it. Saying ' we have that already' or 'keep it at your for the kids to use when they visit.'
I refuse to let me home become a dumping ground for other peoples shopping habits. I also get your sense of panic at going there I'm the same I just don't want to keep having the awkward conversation. Just keep saying no it has worked somewhat for me.

KC225 · 17/05/2019 06:32

Stop visiting for a while as well - if she asks, say you are finding your feet as a new mum and you feel she is putting you under pressure to accept the things you haven't asked you to buy and with her criticism of the things you have bought. It seems your DH is not so supportive, you say IRA not her first grandchild, would his siblings be able to have a word. I would also not tell her about things you have bought for the baby. She doesn't get to have any opinion on things she doesn't know about.

converseandjeans · 17/05/2019 06:38

I would stop visiting too. Then start to be more direct with her. Tell her you don't have space for everything. I wouldn't want all that stuff & it's just another job for you to do to get rid.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/05/2019 06:43

Are you sure she didn’t do this with her other child(ren)? Could you discuss this with them. This sounds like very odd behaviour if it is new.

liitlepenguin · 17/05/2019 06:43

Stop visiting and have a serious word with your OH.

NoSauce · 17/05/2019 06:46

Does she ever buy anything nice or clean? I don’t understand why anyone would buy something stained or dirty and expect the recipient to take their brand new stuff back?

Is it honestly this bad OP? If so could she be ill? I think you need to talk to her and explain that it’s thoughtful of her to buy your baby things but you won’t be putting them in stained clothes. Be blunt.

wibbletooth · 17/05/2019 06:50

Also get your dh to remind her that it’s quality not quantity that counts - if she wants to spend money on your dd that’s lovely but you’d prefer to have one nice outfit - from a supermarket is fine, doesn’t need to be expensive - but a load of dirty clothes on bad condition are not going to get used. And that if she wants to treat you dd then why not put the money into a bank abound where it can be saved for years and a nice surprise when dd is 18 - you can say that you’ve bought dd her first car / holiday/ something big at that age which she will always remember...

Sounds like she is essentially addicted to buying this stuff for your dd and getting a buzz from each thing so it will be tricky to switch her mindset but it is worth a try. And at least if she buys one thing from a supermarket if you don’t like it you can ask for a receipt ‘because it doesn’t fit’ and then get something you do like.

I would also talk to sil to see how she managed when the dn were small and now - how did she get her to stop buying a load of rubbishy stuff all the time. She could be a good ally to talk to mil too.

Also how was mil when she had her dc - did she have an overbearing mum/mil that took over and did all these things? In which case she has had decades of planning what she is going to do for her gc because she didn’t get to do it for her own dc. It’s sad that she missed out but that doesn’t give her the right to take out the joy from you. But taking her back and reminding her of the joy that she had or wanted doing this for her own dc - well that’s what you want too and now is your time.

Definitely reduce visits too!

Aprillygirl · 17/05/2019 07:06

Going by what what you're saying it sounds as though your mil has developed some sort of problem OP, but what I don't understand is why your husband is so willing to entertain her craziness? Why does he want you to get rid of nice things to make room for filthy old things? It makes no sense at all.
Next time she offers you anything,just tell her firmly that dd has more than enough clothes/already has a pram/cot/bath/ thankyou and you will let her know if/when she needs anything, and tell your husband to back you up or you will have no option but to cut down on the visits to her due to the stress it is causing you.

LadyRannaldini · 17/05/2019 07:10

Thank you but I already have one
Thank you but I don't want that
So kind but we don't need one

Or even Stop buying stuff I don't want, like, need or intend to use, it's none of your business!
Sometimes you can be too gentle and it needs a big stick.

I'm forever amazed at how people will avoid saying things bluntly. When my mother said I'm entitled to my opinion, she was told that only two opinions actually mattered and her's wasn't one of them.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/05/2019 07:12

Buying things for you - annoying but ok, you can always smile thank and charity shop

Having a strop as you wont take back things you've bought or because you prefer to use things you've chosen is completely unacceptable. Not speaking for a week because she disagrees over any parenting decision is rude and disrespectful and I'd expect your husband to back you up on this and say to her you wont be engaging with her while she carries on with such manipulative behaviour

KatharinaRosalie · 17/05/2019 07:15

Your DH is acting really weird. Who does he think it's in any way reasonable to send back your chosen good quality items because MIL bought random crap? Would he return his car when MIL showed up with something ready for scrapping?

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/05/2019 07:20

My ex-MIL did this - tons of crap over the years that I at first gave to charity then just binned as I was too busy to do anything else. Complete nutter! Stop going over and just smile and say No Thanks, we have that

strawberrisc · 17/05/2019 07:27

She’s going to the wrong charity shops!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 17/05/2019 07:31

Smile say thank you and drop in recycling on the way home....if your other half cant get through to her then you have to take matters into your own hands....

LagunaBubbles · 17/05/2019 07:31

Where on earth is she getting the stuff? I used a mix of new and second hand for all 3 of my boys and nothing was filthy or stained.

Jellybeansincognito · 17/05/2019 07:38

Stop talking to her about your purchases, don’t accept anything. Your dh is enabling her behaviour and he needs to get a grip, there is clearly something wrong with your mil because it’s not typical behaviour.

Jellybeansincognito · 17/05/2019 07:40

For what it’s worth, my mil did the same (but with new items) and I felt exactly the same. She always wanted a girl in the family and damn did that be made clear with purchases. I was overwhelmed with stuff that was bought for us. She still try’s to buy the first everything but I now say no.
Even silly stuff like an umbrella. I literally havent bought any of my dds first things because she continuously has to get there ‘first’. It’s weird right? She’s not like this with my Anyway I’m not making this about me, just wanted to let you know you’re kinda not alone.

Jellybeansincognito · 17/05/2019 07:41

not like this with my DS.

littlebillie · 17/05/2019 07:43

Keep smiling and say it's kind and not to your taste

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 17/05/2019 07:43

Some good advice on here.
Unfortunately you will be dealing with this crap for years to come.

It’s a classic but you have a “DH problem”
You need to sit him down, talk to your DH frankly and get angry make him see sense.

Also for the love of all things holy DO NOT tell your husband or MIL what you are buying for your daughters birthday or from Santa. She will buy the same and the cycle will continue.

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