Mil won't stop buying second hand

[Babooamoo]

Just to start I have no problem with some second hand things as long as they're in good condition and fit for purpose however my MIL doesn't seem to understand this and is now calling me a snob and stuck up.

I had my first daughter 7 months ago and since then I'm petrified to step foot in her home. Every time we visit (once or twice a week) most surfaces in her house including her bed are covered in clothes for my daughter. I don't mind her wanting to buy her somethings but so far all she buys is cheap bundles of clothes that are out of season (shorts in winter and Christmas jumpers in summer) and they're all stained, worn out and filthy. Now my MIL is well to do and doesn't have to buy cheap she just loves to shop and the more she can get the better which unfortunately she hoards. On top of the clothes she's also bought an old second hand pram and cot (neither of which are sold anymore) and they're also filthy with dirt and mud although she insist she's clean them.

My main problem is any time I buy anything she goes out and buys the same and gets upset when I don't want to throw out what I've bought for my daughter and use hers instead I.e. she didn't speak for a week when I told her I would not be returning my new silvercross pram to use the one she got for £30 or my nursery furniture set. It's gotten to the point I now panic anytime I step into the house since anytime I open a cupboard or drawer I'm not joking when I say they're filled with the baby clothes and shes planning to buy more things to set up her own nursery.

This isn't her first grand child and my OH has assured me that she never did this with his nieces and nephews and thinks I'm acting insane for not getting rid of everything I took months choosing for our daughter and use what his mother's bought instead. He doesn't understand that I want the joy of doing all my new mummy firsts and his mother, although good intentions, is making me feel put out and makes sure to make me feel guilty every time I don't accept any of her gifts now such as when I showed her the nursery decorations I had just got and she bought a different one because she prefers gender neutral rooms and then proceeded to tell my OH I got my set after just to spite her, he eventually got the truth but I'm so annoyed she would ever say that and he believed her.

It's long winded I know but basically I'm at a loss and need some advice on how I should move forward.

Where do mumsnet MILs find these stained, grotty baby clothes? I've never been in a charity shop that would put such stuff out for sale.

You need to put your foot down and refuse to take the stuff. Leave it at her house, hoarders can spread their problem to other people's houses if you aren't careful

As Narya said, I think you'd have more success directing her buying towards a specific category - say books - rather than getting her to stop cold turkey. It's fine to say that you are the mother and buying the 'firsts' is your right IMO!

If the hoarding aspect is new, that is a bit of a worry tbh and may need investigating. I would speak to other family members about that.

Having said that, I also agree with the many PP who have said that charity shops don't sell items that are in as poor a condition as you describe. So that does make me think that there is something going on from your side as well. If you need support, speak to the health professionals and be kind to yourself, OP. Enjoy your baby

Can your husband not have a word with her? Maybe shes got some sort of hoarding problem or is just addicted to the buzz of getting a bargain no matter what. I would hate this too.

When I was pregnant I had a family member that offered me second hand clothes and i was too nice to say no at first, all I wanted to do was have the excitement of buying nice new things for my nice new baby, so she brought round a bag of clothes from her children and from her friends children!! The family member said she wouldn't put her kids in second hand clothes, but it was ok for me to!! I eventually started saying im fine now I have everything etc but would she stop, no!! It was so annoying and then even after telling her i really am ok now we once visited a mutual family members and she emptied out a bag of shoes for me for my kids and i really had had enough of telling her so many times and her not listening so i was blunt and said i didnt need them and i was then called stuck up by her husband and mum. She still to this day tries to give me items! I find it offensive I've told you no and you still try to give them, do you think I can't afford to dress my kids! No big advice but you may have to be blunt, shes clearly not listening so you are within your rights!

Someone upthread said something along the lines of My home isn’t a dumping ground for other people’s shopping habits. I think this is a good thing to keep in mind.

Re the stained / tatty clothes etc - I wonder whether some of her friends have said Oh, grandchild X has outgrown his cot / buggy / clothes, would you like them? And because she loves a freebie, she says yes. It’s quite easy to stop noticing the stains on baby clothes when it’s your own baby, partly because you see them all the time and partly because they won’t disgust you, as they’re your own baby’s mess.

I think in this case, it’s kinder to be direct. Tell your husband that you can’t cope with the piles of stuff that she keeps trying to give you. Then when you speak with her, say “Gosh, it’s very kind but I don’t need that / already have one”.

Let the piles of stuff build up in her house. If she is a hoarder, this won’t stop her. However, if it is more of a control issue, the piles of junk will drive her crackers and she may stop.

How often do you see her?

I think your DH needs to step up and back you on this one. Ask him if his mother is permitted to buy all the special stuff for your baby, when do you get your chance? Are you supposed to ‘pay it forward’ and elbow your daughter/DIL out of the way with their babies when the time comes in the future? Your MIL has had her chance with your dh and his siblings. This is your time with your baby.

My MIL didn't buy us second hand stuff, but would give us things that had belonged to her other DGC … and they were filthy! She handed over a sweatshirt once that was actually stuck together with something. I can't imagine why she didn't wash it first. She would give the DC gifts for birthday/Christmas, and there would always be some crap stuck in the bag - clothes with pulls/holes, odd socks (really), used pants. Bizarre. She tried to get us to buy nursery furniture from BIL: DH was interested as she said it was a lovely set … the wardrobe had a big hole at the bottom of one door where their dog had chewed it off, and the changing table reeked of mildew. And she still tried to charge us for it … she brought it round, demanded the money, DH told her where she could stick the furniture …! I really can't imagine looking at a holey wardrobe or a stinky changing table and thinking, ooh I'll flog those to DS for my new DGC.

Plan to avoid going to her house for the next few months to start to break the cycle.

When you are due to meet, meet her outside e.g. walking, or get DH to pick her up and bring her out to you. Say DC needs fresh air.

When she offers you things say we have that already, but DH may know someone that could use it as I don't, then look at him. If he accepts then he takes back to a charity shop or he says the truth, not your job, he can do that for years if he chooses to.

Keep putting the problem on him as this is his mum. Would he pit up with this directed at him from your mum?

Definitely need to get your husband on board. Tell him how upset you are. I would hate this.

I agree with PP who suggest being direct.

"Thank you, MIL, but none of this is to my taste or even necessary. Please stop buying my DD clothes. I have already bought her everything she needs."

"Thank you for the thought, MIL, but I don't need anything. I'm not going to look through the rest of this bag."

"MIL, these clothes are filthy and torn. Why would you give me these things? Please return this, or do whatever you will with them, but I will NOT be taking them and DD will not be wearing them."

"Thank you, MIL, but you must stop buying things which we will not use. If you wish to buy something for DD I'll let you know what item to get."

Etc...

And another thing. Even if she's kitted out her house with a nursery, you're not obliged to use it.

Thank you all so much for the advice and support. I've sat down with my husband and his reasoning is as his mother is in her 80s ( he was a late baby when she was nearly 50) he feels she thinks this is the last grandchild she could see and as his siblings are in their 50s and 60s their children are grown up so in her mind she's spoiling DD because she wasn't maternal or at all very nice when OH was growing up he feels this is her way of making up for it, just buying anything and everything she can get her hands on.

He understands she has a shopping and hoarding problem and just has the mentality of 'she won't be around for long so we just ignore it to keep her happy'.

He says he'll speak to her on her own but I think I also realised that due to having my own SIL nightmare and seeing how she was treating my own mother I'm trying to be more considerate towards MIL to the point I felt ready to explode but even putting my feelings on her has helped a great deal.

Sorry i forgot to add that MIL only buys online so she buys several bundles of 'mystery clothes' online that are the wrong size, gender etc. Also I've had to explain to her it isn't the issue of new vs old as my sister has a 1 y/o daughter and the vast majority of DD's clothes and toys are from her which I hope to pass along again if they're in good condition but it's just that, the things she's gotten I wouldn't even have the heart to donate because I know they wouldn't accept them.

The thing is it's just a pain in the arse having your house filled with more stuff you don't need and then you having to do something about it! Who wants to go to a charity shop to pass on clothes that you didn't even want, it's just putting you out and cluttering up your house. I do feel sad and understand that shes older and it may be her last grandchild, it is a tricky one! When you go round and she hands you a bag of stuff i would probably just find a bin on the way home and get rid of them. omg i sound awful, i do feel abit bad!

My mum can be a bit like this - not quite as bad - and something that helps massively is to point her in a specific direction. E.g. no to clothes but yes to books or specific toys. My mum likes a challenge when it comes to bargain hunting so this works well for her.

Are there a few specific items that you would like for your Dc? Maybe you could send MIL a link to the exact item you want and suggest if she wants to buy something she gets that one (adding a polite note to the effect that you don't need or want anything else). It could be anything even an expensive babygro that looks good, or perhaps a highchair if you haven't got one? Maybe this could be a win win. It's more difficult to be outright rude given her age.

If your DH isn’t on your side, you have a bit of a problem.

If you decide to just humour her, charity shops take ruined clothes as rags

I would suspect a MH issue, or alternatively a control issue.

Might sound odd, but gift buying can be used to exert control, and as the OH is thinking OP should be using what his mother bought, I'm leaning towards the control thing.

Thank you again everybody but unfortunately this didn't have a happy ending. When visiting MIL yesterday OH did speak to her with the result being we're keeping our distance for a while.

Long story but she said that while herself, her other children and grandchildren all deserve good things when it comes to us and DD she put it that as we're not as well off as the rest of the family (not struggling but I'd put us down as a normal income but careful to make smart financial decisions) she believes we should be grateful for all she's done for us as she's given DD what she thinks she deserves and is right for her. So while her other grandchildren will get asked what they want and get good quality even if not expensive we only deserve the bare minimum as far as she is concerned which rightfully so angered us that she thought that even £4 outfit from asda was too good for DD.

I'm glad we finally stood up for ourselves and no one in the family bar MIL have any I'll feelings towards us (if anything they all took our side in this too) I don't think we will be pushing for any relationship between MIL and DD until she changes her mind set against us which is upsetting but it's been her choice to make after the awful things she's said towards us.

And for everyone suggesting dementia turns out that some women in her family do suffer from it, own mother at 102 currently does, so everyone has been putting it down to that and ignoring her behaviour assuming she has onset early stage but time will tell if she has or is using it to her advantage as OH has said she's used that for close to 20 years now when it suits her.

That's crazy OP what a nasty thing to say. There is no logic there at all either. You're doing the right thing putting more distance into the relationship.

Oh OP that sounds grim

Wow, what a bitch! You’re not as rich as other family members so you should be grateful for her scraps???

What your DD deserves

Sorry to hear that but unfortunately I'm not at all surprised.
The shopping, foisting it on you and then blaming you is all very disordered thinking. Your DH initial reaction of preferring to blame you than address his DM disordered behaviour.
You have also hinted at issues in his upbringing. Now this reaction. All indicators of a rather toxic personality.
You are right to keep your distance and limit her effect on DD. Leave it to your DH to address any issues in future as you will only be blamed.

BTW when my parents ended up with 5 sets of table and chairs batshit & tried to foist one off on us that they had just bought (out of date, second hand, we already had what we needed) we were made to feel very uncomfortable for not saying yes, being grateful relieving them of their shit.
PP bang on with 'filling your house is with other people's bad buying habits'.

TL:DR my D narcissistic fucker, M compensates by buying endless shit. Both toxic & manipulative. The 'stuff' is the symptom not the problem.

PS very unlikely to be dementia!