Mil won't stop buying second hand

[Babooamoo]

Just to start I have no problem with some second hand things as long as they're in good condition and fit for purpose however my MIL doesn't seem to understand this and is now calling me a snob and stuck up.

I had my first daughter 7 months ago and since then I'm petrified to step foot in her home. Every time we visit (once or twice a week) most surfaces in her house including her bed are covered in clothes for my daughter. I don't mind her wanting to buy her somethings but so far all she buys is cheap bundles of clothes that are out of season (shorts in winter and Christmas jumpers in summer) and they're all stained, worn out and filthy. Now my MIL is well to do and doesn't have to buy cheap she just loves to shop and the more she can get the better which unfortunately she hoards. On top of the clothes she's also bought an old second hand pram and cot (neither of which are sold anymore) and they're also filthy with dirt and mud although she insist she's clean them.

My main problem is any time I buy anything she goes out and buys the same and gets upset when I don't want to throw out what I've bought for my daughter and use hers instead I.e. she didn't speak for a week when I told her I would not be returning my new silvercross pram to use the one she got for £30 or my nursery furniture set. It's gotten to the point I now panic anytime I step into the house since anytime I open a cupboard or drawer I'm not joking when I say they're filled with the baby clothes and shes planning to buy more things to set up her own nursery.

This isn't her first grand child and my OH has assured me that she never did this with his nieces and nephews and thinks I'm acting insane for not getting rid of everything I took months choosing for our daughter and use what his mother's bought instead. He doesn't understand that I want the joy of doing all my new mummy firsts and his mother, although good intentions, is making me feel put out and makes sure to make me feel guilty every time I don't accept any of her gifts now such as when I showed her the nursery decorations I had just got and she bought a different one because she prefers gender neutral rooms and then proceeded to tell my OH I got my set after just to spite her, he eventually got the truth but I'm so annoyed she would ever say that and he believed her.

It's long winded I know but basically I'm at a loss and need some advice on how I should move forward.

It’s good that the rest of the family are backing you and DH. There is a phase in dementia where the person can be very aggressive as well as unpleasant/rude, no inhibitions about insulting anyone, so I think you are right to stop seeing MIL. You don’t want her kicking off with any of the DGC there, for whatever reason.

Sounds as though she wasn’t a wonderful mum to DH and after what she has said, I don’t blame you for keeping your distance. It will be interesting to see how she manages to get the stuff she buys for DD to you! I hope the rest of the family will refuse to deliver any of them for her.

I would get your DH to have a talk with her and suggest that instead of buying so many clothes that the baby is unlikely to wear even once (they grow so fast that even if you did accept the clothes there’s no way you’ll get through them all before they are too small) that she puts the money into a savings account for your daughter for treats when she’s older - ballet lessons, pony riding, music lessons or something like that which will be far more beneficial to her than secondhand clothes.

Everyone saying "just say thanks and drop it off at a charity shop on the way home"

Most charity shops now do not take any baby items - I do not live in a wealthy area and recently had to take a load of new unused and high quality clothes, play mats and all sorts to a specialist church baby bank because all 6 charity shops near me (in different towns too) dont take any baby stuff anymore - apparently the prams and stuff is too high risk in case they've been damaged and no one wants baby clothes from a charity shop now because they can buy cheap and brand new at primark apparently!

How are your finances OP? My sister is the same and needs everything brand new and has 30k debt and it's spiralling. My mum was throwing hand me down clothes at her last week cos concerned for her finances. If course she didn't accept them.

Oof. Wow, that's quite a development. I can see why you'd decide not to engage for a while.

Glad to hear you wouldn't be trying to offload the dirty stuff to a charity shop too OP. They won't want to sell obviously shitty items, so they just end up having to pay the cost of disposal for other people's crap. I was dismayed at the number of posters recommending it as a solution.

Jesus can’t believe what just read what an absolutely gadfly thing to say!

I wonder if having your DH late made her resent him in some way, I suspect might have been abit of a surprise - my mum had me late 40’s and went straight into the menopause apparently she really struggled my first few years but has never held against me or treated me badly.

To basically say your child does not deserve nice things is one of the nastiest things she could say. Seeing as she didn’t treat your DH that well either I doubt it’s dementia- my DH mum has it and had been aggressive and confused but never directly nasty!

Please stay away from this toxic person and give your DD all the love you can as her grandmother sucks!

She's mad. Surely the effort involved in getting 'mystery bundles' on eBay or gumtree 'costs' more than picking up a £3 top in Sainsburys or whatever (then she could at least feel like a benevolent Lady treating you to a luxury the likes of which you've never experienced before!) So she's going out of her way to deliberately put you in your 'place' ffs

Surely you need lovely stuff more if you are not as well off. What a weird logic.

Stay away OP.

Is your family around to support you?

What a nasty cow

Doesn’t sound like dementia to me - it just sounds mean and calculated

That is simply nasty. Some people are warped.

This sounds so like my mum and her first symptoms of dementia. She gave my sister £300 for Christmas and I got £15 because "you wouldn't know what to spend it on". She's always been less than generous and sometimes the first signs of dementia are exaggerated personality traits. She also became obsessed with those catalogues that come through the door and would order stuff that sat unused and unopened.

Shocking stuff. That’s a really sad update OP.

I think NC is the way to go unfortunately 😞

That's really upsetting that she said such awful things to you OP.

I think you've done the right thing to back off. She sounds absolutely batshit frankly, and no one needs that crap in their life

Say wonderful, thank you MIL, so kind, get DH to take straight to a charity shop, he will soon get fed up with it and will tell his mum, no more thanks.

Cross post, didn’t see your update! But yes definitely for your DH to deal with.

Thanks you again everyone. We feel like this is the best decision for us at this moment.

Regarding our finances we have never been in debt but are saving for a decent morgage at the moment which she could never understand how her other children could afford their own homes in their 20s and 30s back in the 80's so we must be struggling and it's our own faults. However if you ask about her grandchildren that are the same age it's not their fault that everything has changed so much since back then.

And about OH's upbringing I feel disgusted as he just revealed the extent of it, from physical, verbal, and what he deemed the most damaging, psychological abuse he suffered from her. He said he remembers clearly giving her a picture he drew for her and she proceeded to tear it up, scream how stupid it and him were and hit him until he cried and then would try to comfort him before repeating. She said repeatedly she never wanted children and OH made her start over again.

He understands now that he both fears her and feels dependent on her and needs to work on improving this. Had I known I wouldn't have put so much effort into trying to form a relationship with her and putting up with her behaviour for so long so atleast I have a clean conscience over what has happened over the past few days and will have no regrets moving forwards. On the plus side as horrible as MIL has been my family has been more than supportive and understanding and really just how family should be to each other.

Very sorry to hear the outcome but at least now you know her attitude for sure and can refuse any other 'gifts' or contact without guilt. The story about your DH's drawing was painful to read, NC is more than justified.

Oh goodness! Get your dh the susan forward book toxic parents.