Mil won't stop buying second hand

[Babooamoo]

Just to start I have no problem with some second hand things as long as they're in good condition and fit for purpose however my MIL doesn't seem to understand this and is now calling me a snob and stuck up.

I had my first daughter 7 months ago and since then I'm petrified to step foot in her home. Every time we visit (once or twice a week) most surfaces in her house including her bed are covered in clothes for my daughter. I don't mind her wanting to buy her somethings but so far all she buys is cheap bundles of clothes that are out of season (shorts in winter and Christmas jumpers in summer) and they're all stained, worn out and filthy. Now my MIL is well to do and doesn't have to buy cheap she just loves to shop and the more she can get the better which unfortunately she hoards. On top of the clothes she's also bought an old second hand pram and cot (neither of which are sold anymore) and they're also filthy with dirt and mud although she insist she's clean them.

My main problem is any time I buy anything she goes out and buys the same and gets upset when I don't want to throw out what I've bought for my daughter and use hers instead I.e. she didn't speak for a week when I told her I would not be returning my new silvercross pram to use the one she got for £30 or my nursery furniture set. It's gotten to the point I now panic anytime I step into the house since anytime I open a cupboard or drawer I'm not joking when I say they're filled with the baby clothes and shes planning to buy more things to set up her own nursery.

This isn't her first grand child and my OH has assured me that she never did this with his nieces and nephews and thinks I'm acting insane for not getting rid of everything I took months choosing for our daughter and use what his mother's bought instead. He doesn't understand that I want the joy of doing all my new mummy firsts and his mother, although good intentions, is making me feel put out and makes sure to make me feel guilty every time I don't accept any of her gifts now such as when I showed her the nursery decorations I had just got and she bought a different one because she prefers gender neutral rooms and then proceeded to tell my OH I got my set after just to spite her, he eventually got the truth but I'm so annoyed she would ever say that and he believed her.

It's long winded I know but basically I'm at a loss and need some advice on how I should move forward.

Say thank you for the clothes and then donate them back to a charity shop. Don't give it another thought.

Smile say thank you and drop in recycling on the way home....if your other half cant get through to her then you have to take matters into your own hands...

Humouring her will not solve the problem and will just encourage her to keep on buying even more crap.

YANBU. Whether you means to or not, she is making you anxious and undermining your choices as a new parent. My MIL does this too and it is very frustrating.

She also has hoarding tendencies and luckily for me tend to forget what she has bought, so it's easy enough to smile, nod and give away/chuck. I appreciate your MIL is different though!

Firm boundaries are needed and you've had some really good advice on what to say already. Just wanted to show some solidarity!

It's hard to develop a thicker skin with these things when you have a baby but now my kids are a bit older I've got the hide of a rhino about it now

YANBU OP. This would drive me barmy and I would feel the same way. I agree with the others who have said to reduce visits and when she offered something just say no thank you, or you already have one, or it wouldn't be right for your daughter as it's out of season.

Hopefully she is just getting caught up in the experience and not showing early signs of dementia. Do her other grandchildren live near by? My mother has 5 other grandchildren but they live in another country and when I had my DS she went a bit nuts. Not to this extent but she loved sale shopping for him and things. It never got out of hand but she was vicariously loving the experience of me having my first baby. Could she be doing something similar but getting far too carried away with it?

I can’t believe the number of people who come on hear and advise OP to do something that they would never do IRL. Stop visiting? Of course you shouldn’t do that, it would be really cruel. Stopping DGM from seeing DGD just because she foists a load of crap on you? That’d be totally unreasonable. It is quite likely that your MIL has some sort of MH disorder, and that needs dealing with kindly.

You really need to get your DH on board to tackle this.

Hi,
I know this might sound obvious but try telling your mother in law “we’re really lucky DD/DS has SOO much stuff now - they are all kitted out until their at least 8 - I bought some great Facebook bundles - bags and bags - lots of branded/designer stuff - worked out 50p an item and now we have EVERYTHING! “

It doesn’t matter it’s a white lie. Your MIL probably thinks she is being helpful on some level. Once you emphasise you have everything she may take it on board or at least if she doesn’t you can say “I can’t take anything else home - my cupboards are stacked out - we have everything!” when she offers you something.

Good luck

I think you have to say no thank you & leave it at hers to deal with.

Who's the "we" who are visiting?

All of you or just you & baby?

If the latter I'd knock it on the head.

Why does your husband think that your baby should wear dirty clothes & throw better stuff away to appease his mum?

Say thank you for the clothes and then donate them back to a charity shop. Don't give it another thought.

Really? Is it considered so difficult to challenge someone that you should meekly accept a ton of unwanted stuff then find time in your life to go to a charity shop with it? And if it’s so shitty OP doesn’t want it, why put it back to be sold? Most charity shops are picky about quality of clothes and wouldn’t seem stained / dirty stuff.

I am amazed how many in this scenario are told “just smile and say thank you”

First post has sound advice: stop visiting.
As others have said you need to get your DH on side and remind him as forcibly as necessary that you should be more important to him than his mother. You and your DC and your feelings should be his top priority. He should tell his mother to stop buying second hand.

Sounds like my MiL. She does this, or more often gives us all her old shit, She’s a bit of a hoarder so everything comes with some backstory that makes out it’s some valuable heirloom, when it’s something most people would have binned. I know it’s just that she can’t bear to bin it, it’s of little use to me so I just say thanks and charity it or bin it depending. I have a few times said ‘no thanks I’ve got one’ and she’s actually argued that I should take this one, so with some people being assertive just doesn’t work. It sounds like buying all this stuff has become a bit of a hobby for her.

Unless she is going to jumble sales then I suspect you may be exaggerating somewhat here. Charity shops where I live would not be selling dirty stained clothes or prams covered in mud. They pick out the quality stuff and sell the rest to clothes dealers for export.
My 3 wore nothing but charity shop clothes and hand me downs until they started to have strong opinions re styles etc. They always looked smart and most of it was labels I would never have afforded in real life.
I agree you should check MIL is okay and not unwell. Maybe every now and then pick out a couple of things you like and say you have enough of the other things and not enough storage and suggest she stop buying. Maybe give her a project every now and then if there is something you need you can ask her to keep an eye out.
RE wrong season stuff, I think many people forget how fast babies grow so ust remind her that you will not need winter stuff til winter when you will need a bigger size but wont be sure of size until you are nearer winter etc!

1. I suggest to try and be direct with her 'this is my first child and I want to do the 'first' things and buy the stuff that's important to me. I know you understand from when you were first a mother.'

1. Is there anything else happening in her life? When my son was less than a year old, I bought eBay, basically. I bought sack after bag after box of clothes. At the same time I was without support and my mother in law was dying. Buying from eBay was my stress release. Could this be something similar?

1. I suggest that you are clear with your husband - 'if you insist on your mother coming first when it comes to our child then you will be building resentment in our marriage that could fester for years'. It's not that you are rejecting his mother. You are just saying that this is your child, and you have priority, but can still make room for his mother if that is understood.

Good luck.

Mine does this too, though nothing like to that extent! Rather than expecting us to return our things, she just assumes that it'd be useful for us to have 2 prams, two travel cots etc when she's spotted a bragain. Which it's not as we have no storage for so many 'spares'.

1. You have to get you DH to see your point of view and back it up or you'll get nowhere with MIL.

1. Clothes, just take them home with you and drop off at charity shop. If asked about any items, just say it was a real shame but there was a poo explosion etc

1. Try and direct her shopping habit by thinking of specific things for her to look out for. Make it something reasonably hard to find, so you don't get millions. But then she'll feel like she's being useful and might calm down.

Not visiting isn’t the answer. She will just turn up to the OPs house with stuff. The OP needs to speak to her directly and tell her that she doesn’t want or need all these items.

My MIL is the same. Thankfully she doesn’t visit often but whenever she does she has bags of second hand tat for the DC. It drives me nuts because the majority is just unusable... For Christmas she bought some absolutely filthy second hand charity shop stuff and I mean it was putrid, it all went in the bin. This was for her then two month old Grandson as well... I don’t think a thing was bought new, it was all second hand. She is also ‘well to do’ so just a bit of a tight arse really... DP said she’s always been the same way.

I really don’t mind second hand stuff and actually think it’s a great way to help the planet but not when it’s dirty, broken or plainly just tat no one will use.

I don’t know what the solution is because obviously anything you say will offend but you’re going to have to speak up otherwise you’ll have years of this.

Tell her the truth
"MIL, I know its exciting & fun, but you must stop buying all this stuff, I have chosen what I want for my baby, & its superfluous & I don't have room for all the extra stuff, Could we organise it so that you save a little & I will let you know when there is a specific thing DC needs.
Really it has to stop", tra la la & lets get a cup of coffee.
If she takes the hump, continue with; "I will just have to take it to another charity shop"

This may be a sensitive question OP but are you spending you don't have on buying lots of new things?

You say your OH is also asking why you don't use the things she's geting. Are they both trying to tell you something?

If they are both cheapskates however, then you need to stand up to both. Get them in the same room together and say "this is all new for me and I'm really enjoying being a mother, but you are both crossing the line with this obsession with second hand tat. I don't want it, am not going to use it and it needs to stop now".

spending money you don't have that should read. it's too early for my brain to have engaged.

My mother tried this with me too. Even after getting told DC1 was a girl she went out and bought a whole load of green and lemon stuff because scans can be wrong you know and I think it’s a boy (basically she wanted a grandson!)

Not that girls can’t wear green and yellow. It was either second hand or clothes made from cheap nylon scratchy material from the market. All done to undermine me.

I could go on all day, first photo I sent of her first born grandchild she called her awfully fat and ginger, she was 6lbs 3ozs with a tuft of brown hair. Next two DDs she didn’t bother with as they also lacked a penis.

I digress, part of being pregnant with your first born is buying your pram, cot and way too many things. I think you need to kindly say thanks but no thanks.

Where is she getting this stuff from? Charity shops DO NOT sell filthy clothes and baby equipment.

I'd tell her to back off. Tell her that she has had her chance at being mummy and this is your turn and your baby. Tell her it's your decision what pram to buy, what colour to paint the nursery. And if she can't accept that and back off, you will stop seeing her.

Ask her if her MIL bought prams and clothes for your dh when he was a baby!

She sounds insane.

Does MIL think your baby will be the last grandchild, and is therefore going a bit mad because it’s the last opportunity for her to buy baby clothes? It does seem rather compulsive.

Otherwise you have to consider whether she is mentally unwell or just manipulative.

My mother is a less extreme version of this and it is EXHAUSTING and horrible because saying no means I feel guilty or like her stuff isn’t “good enough”. I sympathise.

I've been there and its like talking to a brick wall. In the end I did go no contact. (ok there were other issues too) The stuff was so badly stained you could not even wash it out. Could you take the angle of 'its not sanitary' for your baby. I would imagine its harbouring all sorts.

The snobbery line is basically her retaliating. mil used to say it about everyone who disagreed with her.

my Mom and MIL both buy my DD stuff that they must know I dont like, I waited so long for my baby I want to buy her clothes I love but what can I say without it being a drama? I just resell as they are new, but in your case you need to either get your DH onboard to say no, or say to Mil that you will leave them at hers in case DD stays over-then just never stay over! I dont know if that will work but I totally get where youre coming from!