Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To get married without having a wedding?

80 replies

OkMaybeNot · 16/05/2019 16:37

We've been together nearly 16 years. 3 kids. Can't afford a big wedding, can't justify the cost of a small one - I've calculated that it would cost us upward of 2k to have a very small wedding with guests in our area, which is money we'd rather spend elsewhere.

I've looked about and it would cost us under £200 for the paperwork, short exchange of vows and bosh, married.

Don't know how to go about it without hurting feelings though. I have a big family, four brothers who have children, and friends who'd be hurt to not be invited. We'd have witnesses, DP's nana probably and someone from my family.

Anyone done this without it causing drama?

OP posts:

Yotam · 16/05/2019 16:40

Can you afford to host a family BBQ? I’m sure someone on here asked everyone to a BBQ, got married in the morning and turned up and announced it to guests. So you still get to celebrate with the people you care about, but for way less money.

UnicornDaisy · 16/05/2019 16:43

I've never done it but I think if you explain it to your loved ones etc as you have here they will completely understand. As you say you want to marry your partner but want your finances to be spent on more important things, seems very sensible and reasonable to me. Maybe you could arrange drinks in a local pub for your family afterwards (all buying own drinks) to mark the occasion and allow people an opportunity to congratulate you and feel involved? 🥂

ishouldbedoingsomework · 16/05/2019 16:44

Yotam's suggestion is good- and explain why. I'm sure people who care would understand.
I did exactly the same thing nearly 19 years ago!

GrimDamnFanjo · 16/05/2019 16:45

The most important thing is to get married, not have an event! I'd invite everyone to the ceremony then back to yours for an informal party!

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 16/05/2019 16:45

Just do it and tell everyone afterwards. You can't control people's reactions to this kind of thing. If they choose to get the hump that's up to them.

Pinkarsedfly · 16/05/2019 16:46

I did it. Everyone was very understanding and happy for us, which amazed me.

If you present it as a fait accompli, with a big smile on your face, you’ll find your family will fall into line.

AnyoneButAnton · 16/05/2019 16:46

How large is the room in the registry office? AFAIK it doesn’t cost any more to have as many people there as the room will fit.
In your position I’d tell my parents/siblings/nieces and nephews that we’re signing the register at 3:30pm on Wednesday 24th or whenever and although it’s not a “wedding wedding” they’re welcome to come along if they’re free and we’ll see them in the pub in the evening if they fancy a pint (or meet up for tea and cakes at the house of whichever family member has the biggest room).

pigsDOfly · 16/05/2019 16:48

Well if you don't have a wedding you aren't going to have an issue about family and friends who haven't been invited, so they can't complain about being left out.

Close family could come to the registry office so they see you get married and then, as Yotam says, something like a family bbq would be fine afterwards and wouldn't cost much.

One of my DS got married way back in the 50s. They had very little money but my DM made a lovely cake and food for them and made a lovely little party at the house.

Of course it wasn't fancy, but they were married for the rest of their lives, and that's what people seem to forget with all the wedding madness: it's not about the wedding it's about the marriage.

Do what works best for you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/05/2019 16:50

@Yotam's suggestion is perfect. Everyone will understand. Just have a knees up/BBQ at your place.

Megan2018 · 16/05/2019 16:55

We got married on our own with no guests. Family were furious!

We got married in the grounds of a beautiful hotel in the Lake District - this www.lakedistrictcountryhotels.co.uk/cragwood-hotel/weddings/just-us.

We have beautiful photos and memories and we had none of the other wedding crap to deal with.

But family were upset. 5 years on they are getting over it! Apart from MIL...

EdtheBear · 16/05/2019 16:58

Do what suits you!

I know people who have given next to no warning - we are getting married in the morning (8hrs drive from you) going away for the weekend, see you next week.

I know people who've called their parents - we got married today, having a wee party in the house are you coming down for a drink!

One of those couples will be nearly 50 years married, the second will be about 30.

SniffleSneeze · 16/05/2019 17:00

Are you just doing it for the legal/paperwork? Don't bother telling anyone, just go and do it.

HavelockVetinari · 16/05/2019 17:03

YANBU! I think tons of SAHMs on MN ought to do the same rather than wait till they can afford a big do. Half the time they separate before it happens and find they're entitled to minimal child support and nowt else. A big wedding is nice if you want one and can afford it easily, but daft if you can't or would rather not.

loulou0987 · 16/05/2019 17:04

Absolutely do what suits you both! To us being married was more important, at that point, than having a wedding. We booked the registry office at 2 weeks notice. Immediate family only then tea and cake at home. It was nice to mark the day but neither of us wanted anymore than we had!

PoorRichard · 16/05/2019 17:05

Don't tell anyone, and just do it. We did this many years ago, just with two friends as witnesses, in ordinary clothes, and as an awful lot of other major things were going on, although we'd never intended to keep it a permanent secret, we ended up not telling anyone at all. Eventually it leaked out about seven or eight years after we'd got married, and by that stage there was no point in anyone throwing a strop over something so far in the past.

Tbh, I don't think anyone would have, anyway -- it's not as though we were having a wedding and had excluded them, the whole point was that we were getting married without having a wedding.

Gth1234 · 16/05/2019 17:06

Just do it. Nobody will bother at all. They might just talk about "making an honest woman of you", which us old fogeys would always do. No harm meant, hopefully none taken. Good luck. May all your troubles be (more) little ones.

Original poster

OkMaybeNot · 16/05/2019 17:07

Well that's it isn't it, we already feel married, but I don't like that we're not legally. You read the horror stories and it's an eye opener.

Maybe we can wait until the end of this year to do it and then we can save a few hundred to book a pub or something for after, that way we can celebrate a little bit and I won't feel like I have to keep it a secret or risk hurting feelings. I hate that there's so much expectation.

OP posts:

agnurse · 16/05/2019 17:09

What you may like to do is to have a private ceremony now, but then save up for a reception and throw a party later.

You wouldn't be the first couple to have done this or something similar. It's done by some couples who elope. My cousin and his first wife had a traditional wedding in her home community, but delayed the reception by a few months and had it in his home community, hundreds of miles away.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/05/2019 17:09

You've been together so long and have children, would anyone really care? Just go to the registrar and get married. No party needed.

Gth1234 · 16/05/2019 17:13

@OKMaybeNot

There really isn't any expectation. today's news is tomorrow's fish and chip paper. Nobody will bother at all in truth, except you and your OH.

user1471453601 · 16/05/2019 17:14

My dear friend did this. She and her partner has been together for 30+ years.

They told no one. I only found out as I was going on at her about getting lasting power of attorney, as he.unfortunately, is terminally ill.

After listening to me for five minutes or so nodding and saying she'd look into it, she eventually grabbed my hands and told me they had married eight years ago.

Gigglinghysterically · 16/05/2019 17:14

It sounds fine except I think having DP's Nana and someone from your family as witnesses might throw the cat among the pigeons.

Does he only have one GM alive?

TwoBlueFish · 16/05/2019 17:20

I had about 25 people at my wedding, registry office, buffet lunch at pub across the road and the back to my house for some champagne. All done and dusted by about 7pm. We invited parents and siblings with their partners and kids. It was lovely and cost was about £500.

My sister got married with just her kids present and our grandparents as witnesses.

My brother had parents and grandparents at the wedding then a party in a village hall a few weeks later.

All different, all lovely and had meaning for the people who got married.

Gth1234 · 16/05/2019 17:24

@user1471453601

being married doesn't mean you don't need a LPA.

caughtinanet · 16/05/2019 17:25

My ex BIL did this, anyone who objects is making it all about them. No one owes anyone else a wedding.

As other posters have said just go and do it, you don't have to tell anyone.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread