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AIBU?

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Original poster

To get married without having a wedding?

80 replies

OkMaybeNot · 16/05/2019 16:37

We've been together nearly 16 years. 3 kids. Can't afford a big wedding, can't justify the cost of a small one - I've calculated that it would cost us upward of 2k to have a very small wedding with guests in our area, which is money we'd rather spend elsewhere.

I've looked about and it would cost us under £200 for the paperwork, short exchange of vows and bosh, married.

Don't know how to go about it without hurting feelings though. I have a big family, four brothers who have children, and friends who'd be hurt to not be invited. We'd have witnesses, DP's nana probably and someone from my family.

Anyone done this without it causing drama?

OP posts:
user1471453601 · 16/05/2019 18:15

@Gth1234, that's exactly my point. I didn't know (no one did ) that they had married. That's why I was going on about lasting power of attorney. It's also why she caved in and told me to shut me to shut the fuck up.

Sorry if I wasn't clear about that, I thought it was implicit in my post. Clearly not.

cranstonmanor · 16/05/2019 18:44

I second the bbq suggestion. Let the kids make wedding paintings to hang up and decorate with white balloons. I just don't get why weddings need to be so over the top expensive and unique nowadays. It's special enough that you are getting married, the festivities don't need to cost a zillion, it won't make it any more special to you or your family.

I baked my own wedding cake. I made a victorian sandwich and folded a ready made sheet of white fondant over it. Simple, but looked nice.

FlyingElbows · 16/05/2019 18:47

That's how we did it. Yes it caused I'll feeling but that was going to happen no matter what we did. The important thing is that we got married. Anyone else's wedding based strop was their own issue as far as we were concerned.

NancyPickford · 16/05/2019 19:15

We got married in a registry office, and it wasn't grim at all. Very nice Victorian building, lots of flowers. Two witnesses, who we took for lunch and that was it. If family and friends were miffed they never said anything about it.

MumW · 16/05/2019 19:42

Could you say that you already feel like an old married couple so you've decided that, as you really just need to tidy up the paperwork, you won't be having a wedding.

However, you'd like to celebrate making it official with an unofficial gathering. You don't want or need presents so would like to ask everyone who'd like to join you to bring a dish or two for a buffet and you will supply a few bottles of prosecco. If you wanted, your present list could be dishes which could be selected and crossed off.
If you wanted, you could present the paperwork as a fait accompli!

Happynow001 · 16/05/2019 19:55

Yotam's idea is great! 🌺🍷

forkfun · 16/05/2019 20:00

Do what you two want to do. The marriage is about you (and your kids), so you should call the shots for your wedding. People get over it. I had a very small wedding (10 guests, which were all immediate family). We did registry office and then a lunch at a lovely restaurant. Not too expensive for us. My parents offered to host an evening buffet, which was lovely, but if they hadn't, we'd have been happy without. I got a dress for £40 in the sale and my wedding band from Argos (£25). We had a fabulous honeymoon and managed to put down a deposit on our house soon after. This was ten years ago and I've been to plenty of big weddings since. Not once have I regretted our decision. It was 100% right for us. Think about what's right for you and do that.

BogstandardBelle · 16/05/2019 20:27

My friend did this. DH and I were invited as witnesses, plus our two DSs and their DD. That was it. No cake, no dress (she wore her jeans that she’d been in all day), no family, no music, nothing. And they are just as married as someone who went all bells and whistles.

Pinkarsedfly · 16/05/2019 20:40

My entire wedding party, from a week last Sunday Grin

To get married without having a wedding?
nonevernotever · 16/05/2019 20:42

We did this. We had dh's gran and great aunt as witnesses and relented a week before and took both mums. Our dads were both dead. When we came back we told everyone else and dsil organised a barbecue for us all. The only person not happy was one of our nieces who was about 13then. She's 23 now and she still brings it up as a grievance every now and then

yy558 · 16/05/2019 20:47

Yes to yotam idea. But a few things -

I had a bbq after registry. But i admit I Was stressed out still preparing other things for the bbq because I don't usually have guests round, eg getting drinks in, sides, made own cake. And the constant washing up (wine glasses need to be changed etc). But it was cheaper and I enjoyed seeing my guests well fed.

I would suggest caterer but if trying to keep costs down.. Own food is cheaper.

Mammylamb · 16/05/2019 20:59

You have got it right: having a marriage is much more important than a wedding.

25 years ago my brother and his wife got married with just two witnesses, then went for a meal and the cinema afterwards. They are still the happiest couple I know.

RussianSpamBot · 16/05/2019 21:04

Totally fine, and congratulations pinkarsedfly.

Original poster
OkMaybeNot · 17/05/2019 10:43

Congratulations Pinkarsedfly! You looked lovely.

I'm gonna take a lot of advice from this thread and just do it.

OP posts:
Jamsangwich · 17/05/2019 10:51

Just do it, and do it your own way. We had registry office, immediate family only (parents, siblings and their partners if they were in a long term relationship, and one baby), then to a local bistro for a non fancy meal (from the normal menu so people could choose for themselves) and then back to our house for homemade cake and lots of tea. No fuss, my Dad took the few photos we had done (old days of film photography) and everyone was happy and relaxed. If any less immediate relatives had something to say, they didn't say it to me, and nobody told any tales.

Confusedbeetle · 17/05/2019 10:58

Just do it. You dont even have to tell anyone if you think they will be miffed. It is a wedding however you do it. Of course, there doesn't have to be a party. The whole big razzle thing mystifies me when people have been together for ages. It is very dignified to quietly celebrate your marriage together. Nothing to do with anyone else.

Kokeshi123 · 17/05/2019 11:01

It's completely fine to do absolutely nothing if you like! Tell everyone afterwards--or don't tell them at all.

If I could afford it, I'd consider doing a BBQ etc. and then making an "by the way, we just got legally married yesterday!" type announcement once the BBQ is in swing and everyone has a few beers inside them.

puma84 · 17/05/2019 11:03

A friend of mine did this.

Been with her dp 10 years 4 kids.

Told the kids they were having a long weekend away in Scotland.

Got to the hotel with the kids and told them they were going shopping for nice outfits.

The next morning my friend and her dp told the kids they were getting married and that the kids were their bridesmaids and page boy. The kids were chuffed to bits.

They got two random strangers to be their witnesses.

After the "wedding" they all went for a meal as a family and spent the rest of the weekend exploring.

They came home and surprised everyone with the pics.

I thought it was perfect. And I'd do the same in that situation too.

Merchant · 17/05/2019 11:07

You don’t have to spend money! Book the registry office and let everyone come see you. Then go to the local pub. Book a table for lunch or brunch but tell everyone that money is tight so anyone staying to eat please pay for their own meal in lieu of a wedding gift. As a guest, I’d be absolutely fine doing that with zero judgement. I didn’t have flowers or a photographer or a cake. I also bought my dress second hand from a charity shop and I didn’t have bridesmaids. I made choc brownies and gave everyone a piece wrapped in a cute bag as a favour. We also got married in the evening and just had an evening meal. No all day thing. It was really really cheap.

Merchant · 17/05/2019 11:10

I’ve also got a friend who only spent £250 on their wedding. Registry office then everyone went to a beautiful local park. Each guest brought a picnic blanket and a picnic. The bride and groom supplied soft drinks and half a dozen bottles of Prosecco. Everyone took garden games and a football and it was truly one of the most fun/enjoyable weddings I’ve ever been to.

SpringerLink · 17/05/2019 11:15

Depending on your family, you could celebrate with them without costing the Earth if you did a BYO and potluck type party. I have friends who married students with zero money, and it was a great party even though the guests provided all food and drink.

Otherwise, no YNBU, it’s your wedding so do whatever you like.

BogglesGoggles · 17/05/2019 11:22

YANBU. If I were one of you loved ones id secretly be pleased. A close friend of mine is getting maried early June. I am very happy for her but I have no interest spending a couple hundred pounds dressing myself/my children and then driving three hours to spend four or five ours with her friends and family. Meanwhile she is spending tens of thousands for the privilege of having mental breakdowns over an ill fitting dress and seating plans. What is the point?

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 17/05/2019 11:27

I love this... But if I was your Mum, I'd be gutted!

Wallywobbles · 17/05/2019 11:31

We organized it in 5 weeks. Really cut down on the guests as a result. Very very short notice works really well.

MadisonAvenue · 17/05/2019 11:43

We did it that way. We decided to get married while we were on holiday in New York and told everyone afterwards. We just wanted to be married without all of the planning and fuss connected to a family wedding.

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