To get married without having a wedding?

[OkMaybeNot]

We've been together nearly 16 years. 3 kids. Can't afford a big wedding, can't justify the cost of a small one - I've calculated that it would cost us upward of 2k to have a very small wedding with guests in our area, which is money we'd rather spend elsewhere.

I've looked about and it would cost us under £200 for the paperwork, short exchange of vows and bosh, married.

Don't know how to go about it without hurting feelings though. I have a big family, four brothers who have children, and friends who'd be hurt to not be invited. We'd have witnesses, DP's nana probably and someone from my family.

Anyone done this without it causing drama?

Do it! I like the idea of a food list as a present list for a buffet for family etc. Invovles everyone and keeps stress/ cost down.

My uncle and aunt got married in secret and had a family bbq during the weekend where they announced it.
Apparently it was the best wedding ever😂

My mum died not too long ago, and my dad's an unsentimental type who'll just shrug and say congrats. I agree though, if one of my daughters got married without me there I'd be gutted.

No, YANBU in the slightest! Common sense prevails at last 🎉 the wedding’s not the thing, the marriage is. Congratulations.

If any of your relatives are desperate for a party, invite them to pay for it.

We did this with two strangers as witnesses. It's nobody's business but yours how and when you get married. We didn't encounter any bad responses but to be honest, if we had I would've just ignored for the reasons stated above.

@user1471453601

that's what I was saying. Even though they ARE married, it still doesn't mean that she doesn't need a lasting power of attorney. If you don't have one, and your spouse becomes incompetent, you still can't do some things without the P of A, married or not. So she shouldn't really be telling you to STFU.

We were in a very similar situation. We did Registry office with just parents and our DC. Party at our house in the garden. We provided booze and cake, our friends each brought a plate of food for a buffet to share. It was truly lovely, everyone really went the xtra mile and the food was amazing. It was minimum stress and affordable, perfect event.

My sister did this with just me and our mum and dad and her DH mum and dad.

Some people were pissed off (her best friend was livid) but they got over it.

We had us, 2 witnesses (as required by state law) and the officiant. No flowers, photographer, reception, cake or honeymoon. Total cost including two stainless steel rings was less than $100. We are no more or less married than people who spend tens of thousands on one day.

YANBU! I got married with just our children and parents there, then we went out for lunch and had a lovely weekend away together. The children wanted nice clothes so we provided those. I think the whole thing came in under £500. We were already living together, had a house and business together and it seemed sensible to protect ourselves. I'm so glad we did it as for us, the worse DID happen 2 years later. Not to put a downer on the thread, but my husband died very suddenly and unexpectedly. We hadn't yet finalised our wills, they were being drafted and we hadn't yet got round to signing them off. If we hadn't got married because we were waiting to afford a big do, me and the children would have been utterly stuffed by now. Even if our wills had been finalised, the inheritance tax would have wiped me out had we not got married.

@Megan2018 ooh we have looked at this can you DM me with more info if you don't mind.
Op do what makes you happy, sod everyone else it's not about them! Good luck!

Just do it and don’t tell them before or afterwards. What they don’t know won’t hurt them.

We did it this time last year. Just DH and I, BumptiousDog and 2 witnesses (acquaintances who were available mid-week).

I do wish that DH's 3 DDs could have been there but one was on holiday and as it was last minute (been together 9 years at that point), we couldn't invite just 2 of them without seriously upsetting the eldest.

The ONLY person to have a problem with it at all is MIL. And she still hasn't got over it. I doubt she will, but she's far enough away for me not to care. She's fine with DH but clearly blames me (it was HIS decision to not tell her). My 3 DSDs have been more mature...

thebluewidow I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's stories like yours I read and they fill me with dread. Never know what's around the corner.

We did a flit and married with only two guests present - a couple who are our closest friends - and no family.

My family were delighted for us. His were not: despite the fact that they rarely see us. They have so little in the way of a relationship with us that it never even occurred to me they might mind.

YANBU not to have a wedding. Weddings rarely justify the huge amount of trouble they invariably cause, and if you can't please people, you might as well do as you like anyway.

There's a phrase springs to mind about this type of situation: the people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter!

Hope you manage to enjoy your important day, whatever your choice.

What you could always do is get married cheaply in a registry office without telling anyone just to have all the paperwork in place. Then save up for a smaller do and have a wedding later on if you still want to. A renewal of vows might look so much like a wedding that no one would suspect a thing. In the meantime you won't have to upset anyone as they won't know about it.

@user1471453601 Even if married, you still need a LPA.

We are eloping in two weeks time. Just us, the celebrant, four dogs and two witnesses from MN who I've never met. It's going to be amazing. Do it!

We got a "registry" office style wedding, albeit abroad. Just me and dh. £800 including flowers, limo, photos, video, ceremony, musician. Best decision ever.

We did that and only told everyone afterwards. My parents were a bit annoyed but they got over it. I’m glad we did it, it saved us a lot of money. Don’t worry about other people, they’ll understand.

Do it.
No need to tell anyone if you don't want to. Certainly no need to tell them beforehand. Once it's done, nothing anyone can really complain about.

Just do it, we did, over 30 years ago , just three witnesses at the register office & then 2 more joined us for lunch. Honestly, no one really cares, judging by all the threads about weddings on Mumsnet most people are happy to avoid having to go to a wedding. No real reason to tell anyone afterwards either.

Do you have kids? If so I’d have just them and have a great meal afterwards.

I love this... But if I was your Mum, I'd be gutted!

How ridiculous! Why? The marriage and being married is the important part, not the wedding. I'm old enough to remember when people who were living together and had children together then go married didn't have big do's because it was a bit of a faux pas, now it seems people think they're entitled to a big wedding (which are almost all boring and identikit) and put themselves at huge financial risk for such silliness.

OP, just book it and do it how you like! It's about you and your spouse and kids, no one else. Anyone who gets offended needs to grow the fuck up.