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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go & say they are being ridiculous (affair/accidental OW related)

101 replies

lyralalala · 15/05/2019 17:39

A friend of mine, B, is currently trying to deal with discovering that her (now ex) boyfriend is actually married. B dated this guy for a year. We all met him. They saw each other at least couple of times a week, spoke on the phone every day, texted constantly. He spent nights at her house when her kids were with their Dad. She spent nights at his flat. He came to weddings and parties and never blinked about photos being take etc. He actually came away with us all as a group before Christmas.

It turns out his flat is where he lives when he's working as he actually lives several hundred miles away. They had agreed not to meet each other's children yet as B's kids have had a huge lot of changes in the last few years and she wanted to take things carefully. It turns out that every other weekend and two nights on the week he works the weekend he actually goes home, rather than has his kids at the house like B believed.

Two other friends are organising a big group night out and they have decided that they want to make it couples only. One of the reasons given (obviously they've not had the guts to say it to B, they are just planning on leaving her out) is that one of them is "concerned" that perhaps B isn't as trustworthy (around husbands) as we all thought.

We all met this guy. None of us had the slightest clue. B has been absolutely and utterly conned and left heartbroken and now some friends are being shitty. AIBU to not go and tell them they are being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Iamnotagoddess · 15/05/2019 17:40

So none of them trust their husbands then?

Mokepon · 15/05/2019 17:42

Yanbu.
Tbh I'd organise another event at the same time and not invite them making sure the rest of the group know why.
Fuckwits.

BogglesGoggles · 15/05/2019 17:43

So has anyone actually said this about her or are you just assuming?

Bouncebacker · 15/05/2019 17:44

That’s so tough for B - you are not being unreasonable to object to your friends treating her like that!

Pipandmum · 15/05/2019 17:44

Wait they are making it couples only so they don’t have to invite B? Not very nice friends are they. I wouldn’t go myself on principle. And be sure to tell them why. He’s the one who cheated, not her.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 15/05/2019 17:46

Arses. Don’t go and tell them why. She’s been conned, she must be doubting herself enough. She doesn’t need this bullshit because they think their husbands fancy her.

OldAndWornOut · 15/05/2019 17:46

If they have actually said this, I would be reminding them of the facts, which are that nobody could possibly have known he was married.

Original poster
lyralalala · 15/05/2019 17:46

So has anyone actually said this about her or are you just assuming?

They've said it. It took a fair bit of pushing after getting a load of "we just think all couples will be fun" type answers that just sounded like bullshit as it only leaves out B and one other friend who is widowed.

So it's not like it cuts down a group of 20 to a group of 6 for a small get together, it hardly makes any difference.

OP posts:
Still18atheart · 15/05/2019 17:47

Unless they know something you don’t
Yanbu
Reckon they’ve got wires crossed or got the wrong end of the stick at somepoint in the saga. I’d go out with B for a single girls are the best type night out on the same night.
I hope your friend gets over her heartbreak soon, must have been such a shock when she found out Flowers

mbosnz · 15/05/2019 17:48

What vicious bitches.

Justanyrh1 · 15/05/2019 17:48

Aside from the ‘not trusting her around their (presumably untrustworthy) husbands’ are couples-only nights a thing?! Why? It would never occur to me to invite people to something based on whether or not they were single. How strange. Your friends sound like dicks.

Original poster
lyralalala · 15/05/2019 17:50

@still18atheart I'm 100% sure there's not something they know that the rest of us don't. A few of us were there when B found out (entirely by chance) and if that was remotely faked she would have won an Oscar.

As would he for the shock on his face when he walked in and she asked him how his wife was.

OP posts:
IDontDrinkTea · 15/05/2019 17:51

With friends like those, who needs enemies! Shock

caughtinanet · 15/05/2019 17:51

What odd logic, do they never let their husbands out of their sight in case they come across a woman who's had an affair and must therefore be after all married men.

If I was B the last place I'd want to be is with a load of couples but their reason for not inviting her is stupid

Justmuddlingalong · 15/05/2019 17:52

I'd drop out and organise something with the 2 not being invited.

Ginger1982 · 15/05/2019 17:53

Leaving aside their views on B, how horrible to leave out your widowed friend! They are not friends at all!

Lost5stone · 15/05/2019 17:55

I'd probably lose my shit with them a bit. What horrible people. Just say to them that she obviously had no idea and they have bigger things to worry about if they think their husbands can be swayed that easily

StreetDreams · 15/05/2019 17:55

YANBU except in using the word 'ridiculous', which is too kind by far.

Still18atheart · 15/05/2019 18:03

Oh gosh the poor thing. Definitely yanbu then

friendsfan · 15/05/2019 18:09

Awful. I would tell them all so as well

Waveysnail · 15/05/2019 18:12

Who ever is saying couples only are not friends. I'd be organising a night without them

Original poster
lyralalala · 15/05/2019 18:13

I think I'm going to mention it on the group thread on whatsapp. B isn't on it as she doesn't use whatsapp. That way I can make my point and let others know what is happening, but can speak to B tomorrow in person.

I'm getting more angry the more I think about it. She's absolutely broken and needs her friends more than ever ffs.

OP posts:
ClaryFray · 15/05/2019 18:14

The age old women are clearly evil seductress that men are powerless to resist argument.

Original poster
lyralalala · 15/05/2019 18:14

I might suggest the conerned one leaves her husband at home if he's a problem. Or gets one of those wrist strap things people put on their kids.

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 15/05/2019 18:16

That is terrible.