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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go & say they are being ridiculous (affair/accidental OW related)

101 replies

lyralalala · 15/05/2019 17:39

A friend of mine, B, is currently trying to deal with discovering that her (now ex) boyfriend is actually married. B dated this guy for a year. We all met him. They saw each other at least couple of times a week, spoke on the phone every day, texted constantly. He spent nights at her house when her kids were with their Dad. She spent nights at his flat. He came to weddings and parties and never blinked about photos being take etc. He actually came away with us all as a group before Christmas.

It turns out his flat is where he lives when he's working as he actually lives several hundred miles away. They had agreed not to meet each other's children yet as B's kids have had a huge lot of changes in the last few years and she wanted to take things carefully. It turns out that every other weekend and two nights on the week he works the weekend he actually goes home, rather than has his kids at the house like B believed.

Two other friends are organising a big group night out and they have decided that they want to make it couples only. One of the reasons given (obviously they've not had the guts to say it to B, they are just planning on leaving her out) is that one of them is "concerned" that perhaps B isn't as trustworthy (around husbands) as we all thought.

We all met this guy. None of us had the slightest clue. B has been absolutely and utterly conned and left heartbroken and now some friends are being shitty. AIBU to not go and tell them they are being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Mokepon · 16/05/2019 07:32

That ended up quite well then! Good for you saying something and at least you now know what the 2 nasties are like.
Hope you all have a great night!

DinkyTie · 16/05/2019 07:38

A good outcome, what a truly fucking mean thing to do. Or even think!

NameChangeNugget · 16/05/2019 07:46

They’ve somehow managed to turn a cheating, scummy. Married man issue into a female issue.

They sound like fucking idiots

Stormy76 · 16/05/2019 08:08

Utter bitches, she found out she was being lied to by the man she was dating and broke it off. So obviously she must be targeting married men who wouldn’t be able to help themselves. Says more about their marriages really if they think one heartbroken girl who be able to ‘steal’ their man! Pathetic

MrsMozartMkII · 16/05/2019 08:28

The two organizers sound horrible.

Either they have issues within their own relationships, or their just nasty idiots.

As for B, she's had a shit time of it for sure. I hope she works through it well and soonest.

GabsAlot · 16/05/2019 10:22

The poor widow aswell they leave her out because her husband died?

Original poster
lyralalala · 16/05/2019 10:28

The poor widow aswell they leave her out because her husband died?

This is the first time they've have done that that I'm aware of. She said it's happened with other friends (her NCT group/friends particularly apparently) so she wasn't overly surprised.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 16/05/2019 10:33

Well done you for calling out this despicable behaviour. Honestly, talk about kicking someone when they’re down! Glad you’ve all seen the true colours of the one who flounced. What a grade A bitch!

SleepingStandingUp · 16/05/2019 10:39

Op you're a good friend.

RussianSpamBot · 16/05/2019 10:41

You're well rid of the flouncer methinks.

GabsAlot · 16/05/2019 10:52

Sorry op didnt realise it wa sother friends still sad though

saraclara · 16/05/2019 10:58

I'm surprised that you made this OP just about B, and not the widow. Both were treated equally shabbily

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 16/05/2019 10:58

Thank goodness she has one good friend. Though I am sure others in the group were thinking it. At least I hope they were!

cookingonwine · 16/05/2019 11:03

Gosh ... hold onto your husbands! Listen no man can be stolen! If the petty wives feel they can't invite this lady to a social gathering because she is such a threat I would really consider if any of them have a healthy marriage. The lady in question isn't the threat it's the other women in the group which are causing the main issues for their marriages.

Original poster
lyralalala · 16/05/2019 11:09

I'm surprised that you made this OP just about B, and not the widow. Both were treated equally shabbily

The reason for that is that they hadn't actually thought about that. They were wanting to make it couples only specifically to excude B because of her recent relationship, they hadn't even thought about our other friend. They had the manners to be a bit sheepish when I brought it up.

Though I am sure others in the group were thinking it. At least I hope they were!

No-one backed them. The conversation was originally just between the three of us so the Whatsapp was the first the rest knew of it.

And the only reason I double checked before saying anything is because one is married to a relation of DH's so needed that extra confirmation before I potentially caused WWIII (they are the apologiser rather than the flouncer - will be keeping at arms length)

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 16/05/2019 11:13

So they think that their husband's faithfulness only lasts so long as there are no women near by who would potentially shag them? Bullshit. Don't believe it for one second.

Your friends don't give a shit about her trustworthiness, they're just reverting back to the playground and being bitches because she doesn't "fit in" with their group anymore as she has become the other woman.

I really feel for your friend, sounds like she's had a shit time. To be honest the last thing she needs right now is friends like them. If this is indicative of their usual behaviour then I would fuck them all off and go to your heartbroken mate's house for takeaway and wine.

Upzadaizy · 16/05/2019 11:31

It took a fair bit of pushing after getting a load of "we just think all couples will be fun" type answers that just sounded like bullshit

Well, you know - speaking as a single person - your nasty friends are doing B a favour. Events deliberately organised as "Couples-only" are pretty much the opposite of "fun."

(past experience from coupled life).

AlexaAmbidextra · 16/05/2019 11:32

As a divorced woman you get this all the time. Innocently talk to a man at a party and the wife/partner will appear by magic and proceed to hang on to his arm, stroke his hair or stamp her ownership in some way. The laughable thing is most of us wouldn’t touch these men if they came on a silver platter with an apple stuffed in their mouth.

SnapesGreasyHair · 16/05/2019 11:33

Absolutely disgraceful. Thank god you are a decent friend.

How long has this friendship grp existed?

drspouse · 16/05/2019 11:36

My DM, who is in her 70s but who was in her 50s when she spilt up with my DF, says that almost nobody invites her to dinner parties any more (which were a "thing" for them both for years).

She's not exactly a siren, she's just an old (ex-middle-aged) lady.

StormTreader · 16/05/2019 11:39

They're horrified at how easily a married man managed to cheat on his wife so completely, and are now trying to tell themselves that it ONLY happened because of the EVIL husband-stealing woman.

Far more comfortable for them to believe that as long as they keep the "bad ones" away that it could never happen to them, rather than accept that anyone, including all of their husbands, could cheat on a marriage if they decided to.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/05/2019 11:43

Sorry but your 'friends' sounds like fuckwits. This is when B needs help/support/nights out with friends.

Not being uninvited just in case she pounces on one of their husbands.

I'd ditch them (and tell them why) then have some fun nights out with B.

MethusalahsMum · 16/05/2019 11:44

Alas, the notion that widows are on the prowl persists.

Original poster
lyralalala · 16/05/2019 11:48

How long has this friendship grp existed?

Years. It started as DH and his friends before any of them were married. Then wives/girlfriends. Then over the years a few extra have become part of it (for example my best friend and her husband became part of it when I met DH).

That's why the couples only thing was weird as it's never been that. It's more of a "we're going to X pub if anyone wants to come" type group - sometimes it's 5 people and sometimes 15.

@AlexaAmbidextra @drspouse It's funny you say that as someone else was saying when they split up from their previous husband they lost more friends when they were single again (as opposed to upset and broken) as other women cut them out.

The only time I've ever heard/seen it was when someone commented years ago about a single friend who was chatting to DH and I got a frowned face from them when my reply to "She's flirting with your DH" was "He should be so lucky"

Well, you know - speaking as a single person - your nasty friends are doing B a favour. Events deliberately organised as "Couples-only" are pretty much the opposite of "fun."

That's one of the reasons I pushed tbh, it's not something we've ever done. It's all a bit forced and a bit 'themey' for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
lyralalala · 16/05/2019 11:50

Also it was pointed out to them that saying they hadn't meant to exclude our widowed friend, they'd just not realised that it would exclude her didn't exactly paint them in a good light either (they were defending that by saying it was accidental because they hadn't thought about her)

OP posts: