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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go & say they are being ridiculous (affair/accidental OW related)

101 replies

lyralalala · 15/05/2019 17:39

A friend of mine, B, is currently trying to deal with discovering that her (now ex) boyfriend is actually married. B dated this guy for a year. We all met him. They saw each other at least couple of times a week, spoke on the phone every day, texted constantly. He spent nights at her house when her kids were with their Dad. She spent nights at his flat. He came to weddings and parties and never blinked about photos being take etc. He actually came away with us all as a group before Christmas.

It turns out his flat is where he lives when he's working as he actually lives several hundred miles away. They had agreed not to meet each other's children yet as B's kids have had a huge lot of changes in the last few years and she wanted to take things carefully. It turns out that every other weekend and two nights on the week he works the weekend he actually goes home, rather than has his kids at the house like B believed.

Two other friends are organising a big group night out and they have decided that they want to make it couples only. One of the reasons given (obviously they've not had the guts to say it to B, they are just planning on leaving her out) is that one of them is "concerned" that perhaps B isn't as trustworthy (around husbands) as we all thought.

We all met this guy. None of us had the slightest clue. B has been absolutely and utterly conned and left heartbroken and now some friends are being shitty. AIBU to not go and tell them they are being ridiculous?

OP posts:

whywhywhy6 · 15/05/2019 18:20

Your friends are bitches. Ditch them.

humblesims · 15/05/2019 18:24

They are bitches and I would tell them so.

StreetDreams · 15/05/2019 18:37

I might suggest the concerned one leaves her husband at home if he's a problem.

Quite.

Chesntoots · 15/05/2019 18:52

I'm loving the wrist strap idea...how about one of those rucksack ones for when he seriously can't be trusted?
Maybe a set of horse blinkers too. You can never be too careful...

GabsAlot · 15/05/2019 22:14

How long have you all known each other? They dont sounds like friends to me-cant trust her around their husbands over something she didnt even know about?

MightyDonut · 15/05/2019 22:31

They call themselves friends??
I would be having words, then binning them off before making plans for myself, my friend and the widow.
Despicable behaviour.

ElektraUnchained · 15/05/2019 22:43

Pleeease tell us what message you send. You sound great.

UterusUterusGhali · 15/05/2019 22:48

Oh that's just nasty!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/05/2019 22:50

Why does it never occur to these women that their husbands could just as easily cheat with one of their married friends as their single one.
Do they really think that married women never cheat?
Horrid behaviour from so called friends!

TheTrollFairy · 15/05/2019 22:56

Your friend was used by a guy who lied to her and her ‘friends’ reaction is to leave her out and ban her from their husbands!! What a lovely bunch of friends they are.
I wouldn’t be going and I would definitely say something to them in WhatsApp about their behaviour.

KitchenDancefloor · 15/05/2019 22:57

So the smug marrieds want to leave out the widow and the heartbroken friend? Pfffffttt...

I would really struggle to carry on a friendship with the person who came up with that gem. And anyone else who went along with it.

janetforpresident · 15/05/2019 23:01

Your friends sound like dicks

Do what you've planned on WhatsApp group. I am sure others will be feeling the same as you. Someone needs to speak out.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 15/05/2019 23:02

It's disgraceful behaviour by your other friends, agree with the response if your husband can't be trusted leave him at home. Why do some women always blame the ow even when it was completely inadvertent. The married man is at fault here, he lied, cheated, duped your friend but she's to blame. I wouldn't like to be friends with people like that.

WorraLiberty · 15/05/2019 23:04

it only leaves out B and one other friend who is widowed.

I'm really surprised you haven't stuck up for your friends already.

You don't need anyone here to advise you that you should have done this, surely?

Ratatatouille · 15/05/2019 23:06

That's an appalling way to treat two friends who need support. Tbh I would not be associating with these people anymore. I'd tell them why and then I'd never speak to them again.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 15/05/2019 23:06

Do they think the widow is out to seduce their men too? I would tell them they are being ridiculous, and that you won't go unless everyone is invited.

CheshireChat · 15/05/2019 23:10

The first reply to the OP is absolutely perfect and spot on.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/05/2019 23:15

Fuck! Some victim blaming there!

happybunny007 · 15/05/2019 23:23

Bloody hell, what twats!

Coyoacan · 15/05/2019 23:31

Well you know that, B is the lucky one because she won't have to socialise with such bitches anymore. But it is a bit much after what she has just been through.

A friend of mine split up with her dh after suffering EA for several years and her social group dropped her like a brick. I have very few friends, but gosh they are true friends.

EffYouSeeKaye · 15/05/2019 23:34

Leaving aside their views on B, how horrible to leave out your widowed friend! They are not friends at all!

This!

ConfCall · 15/05/2019 23:34

I think that you, your husband, B, and the widowed friend should have a night out without these creatures.

What a shame that no one is standing up to the ringleader. I’d take the piss out of her, she’s that absurd.

Bookworm4 · 15/05/2019 23:42

@Coyoacan
It's more common than people realise, when I split with a long term partner invites to things dried up and it's definitely you're not trusted, as if you'll jump on their (horrible) man 🙄
They sound a vile bunch of women, hope they don't end up on their own.

Basilneedswaterandsun · 15/05/2019 23:43

Some women are like this. I was single for years before I met my dp and i remember feeling that if you’re single some other women don’t trust you. It’s almost like a primitive feeling that they can’t control.
I remember going to my DPs sisters wedding and I was chatting to a guy there who I’d not met before. His GF came up beside him and gave me dirty looks. He then told her I was the brides DSIL and she completely relaxed and her demeanour changed.
You would think these women know better though.

Original poster

lyralalala · 16/05/2019 00:07

I messaged on the group chat thread and said I wasn’t going to the night out due to the couples only plan. I said it just felt very wrong to me to leave out two people based on their relationship status, especially when neither of them chose that position. Especially with the questioning of B’s trustworthiness given how upset she is.

Replies kinda varied from “I think you’ve picked that up wrong surely” to “If X (the concerned ones husband) can’t be trusted to behave around B when she’s vulnerable then he should be fucking uninvited”.

The upshot is the concerned one has flounced, which doesn’t bother me at all as we’ve never really been close. She’s just the wife of one of DH’s friends. She tried to defend it, but just made herself sound like an absolute bitch.

The other organiser one apologised but I’ll keep her at arms length now.

And it works out that several folks will be going solo anyway because of work and childcare stuff so they’ve attempted to fuck over their supposed friends for something that couldn’t even happen anyway.

Our friend who is widowed said it’s actually happened to her a few times, which is just horrendously cruel.

OP posts:

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