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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider taking time off sick?

85 replies

AliceRR · 15/05/2019 10:11

I am prepared for honest answers on this. I’m not sure what to do for the best.

I went on mat leave earlier this year when I was 38 weeks pregnant. Weekend the baby was due, she died. She was stillborn a few days later. I am devastated obviously and I’m still on mat leave as I’m not quite ready to go back yet. I had thought three months might be reasonable but it has been a bit that now and I’m not ready. For a while it took time for things to sink in and we haven’t even got PM results yet. I work in a professional / demanding role so once I’m there need to be able to fully focus on what I’m doing.

I had originally planned to take a year off on mat leave and that would have been fine as DH works too. After we lost the baby he worked for a bit but ultimately left as he’s also in a high stress environment and his boss has been VERY unsympathetic. He’s looking for another job.

I get full pay for part of mat leave then half pay and then statutory. Put simply I cannot afford to pay all the bills on just my half pay. If I had full pay I could just about cover everything ‘til DH gets a job.

We don’t have loads of savings so it’s not like we can just live off of that.

I’ve considered whether I would be better taking the time off sick (GP actually offering sick note is what made me consider it) as I get something like 6 months or 12 months full pay.

I should say I am the kind of person who usually doesn’t take time off sick and often don’t even use all my annual leave as I have always prioritised work over everything else.

I am also wanting to go back ASAP, maybe in a month or two, so I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for that but I know I cannot be sure I’ll feel ready.

AIBU or a CF to consider taking time off sick? Is my employer likely to view it badly? Should say I am good at my job and well respected where I work. I expected promotion this year so don’t want to change their view of me an an employee.

In a way sick leave seems to more appropriately reflect why I’m off than mat leave but if it’s likely to be viewed badly then I’d be more inclined to use the limited savings we have and hope DH gets a job soon but even then that won’t last v longs

Sorry for long post and TIA.

OP posts:
Orangesandlemons82 · 15/05/2019 10:14

Honestly - it has only been 3 months. I would take sick leave, I don't think there is anyone who would be critical of you for doing this. You need to put yourself first and worrying about money will not be helpful.

Original poster
AliceRR · 15/05/2019 10:14

I suppose the thing is I feel like dealing with the stress of paying the bills etc is adding to everything else we are dealing with, if that makes sense. I want to do the right thing.

OP posts:
NorthernBirdAtHeart · 15/05/2019 10:18

3 months is not a huge amount of time and I can’t imagine anyone would think less of you for taking time to grieve and heal properly.

If I was in your shoes, I would take the extra time. It doesn’t mean you have to use it all, you can go back when you’re ready, physically and mentally.

I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 15/05/2019 10:18

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks

I would also take sick leave.

Original poster
AliceRR · 15/05/2019 10:19

Thank you. I do have an understanding employer and generally they are good about mat leave and other people in our team who have had slightly longer term sick (stress etc). I just don’t want people to think I’m taking the p*

OP posts:
HandsOffMyRights · 15/05/2019 10:20

I am sorry for your loss Flowers

Agree that you should take the sick leave.

Orangesandlemons82 · 15/05/2019 10:23

I can't imagine that any reasonable person would think you are taking the piss. You need to do what is right for you right now. The Doctor has offered a sick certificate. Take it, and go back when you are ready and not before.

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 15/05/2019 10:23

No one is going to think you’re taking the piss after what you’ve been through AliceRR. Let that thought go, completely.

FortheloveofJames · 15/05/2019 10:24

I am so so sorry OP.

I would also be taking sick leave, worrying about money will make things worse, so do what you need to for YOU. I don’t think there’s anyone with an ounce of decency that would by critical of you doing it this way.

Good luck, but absolutely do not go back to work untill you are ready Flowers

StealthPolarBear · 15/05/2019 10:25

Do whatever is best for you. You're not taking the piss in any way.

DreamsOfDownUnder · 15/05/2019 10:27

I am so sorry for what you're going through op, if time of sick is what you need then take it, a doctor wouldn't offer it if he didn't think it was needed.

💐

Original poster
AliceRR · 15/05/2019 10:31

Thank you. It’s not the taking the time off I’m concerned about so much as I know I can’t go back yet it’s more taking it as sick so that I get full pay (rather than half pay) which makes me feel a bit cheeky

Plus everyone will know it’s sick and not mat leave as we have a team calendar that people can log onto and see who’s in, who’s on hol / mat leave sick

Hopefully you’re right that people wouldn’t think badly of me for it

I don’t even know my manager well to discuss it with him. I mean I know him but he works in a different office and I see him less than once a month so I don’t have a close relationship with him but we get on well and he is positive about me and my work

OP posts:
ohnoessexgirl · 15/05/2019 10:33

Yes definitely take the time off. 3 months is not much for this bereavement. You poor thing xx

Heymummee · 15/05/2019 10:38

I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers I agree that I don’t think there’s anyone who would consider you to be taking the piss to take sick leave. Do you have anyone in HR you can talk to rather than your manager? It might be a bit easier?

TheGrassIsSeveralShadesOfBlue · 15/05/2019 10:40

Absolutely take the sick leave and please please do not feel guilty. My GP always used to say people need to remember sick leave is to be used for healing minds as well as bodies.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 15/05/2019 10:43

I am so sorry for your loss.

What is her name?

Please take as much time as you need to grieve. Sick leave is completely appropriate.

Are you in touch with SANDS at all? Very worth while speaking to them.

Original poster
AliceRR · 15/05/2019 10:53

Thank you all

Yes I thought about talking to HR instead. I think that would be easier.

I have been to Sands meetings and have been in touch with people online through Sands.

My little girl’s name is Ruby ❤️

She was perfect

OP posts:
Pythonesque · 15/05/2019 10:59

When you are ultimately ready to go back, going back from sick leave rather than maternity leave may actually be helpful in reducing the likelihood of people asking unfortunate questions if they are unaware what has happened.

So sorry for your loss, agree with everyone else that 3 months is still very early days for such a thing.

Miffymeow · 15/05/2019 11:05

I would go on to sick leave, there is nothing wrong with doing this and you don't need the stress of money on top of everything else. Get your doctor to sign you off and only go back when you are ready. I'm so sorry OP x Flowers

HelpAFattieOutHere · 15/05/2019 11:14

I think you'd need to speak to HR to see how it would work. I know with my company I need to give X amount of notice of when I want to return to work if it's before the assumed 52 weeks and I imagine you'd need to return before you can then be signed off sick?

Crazyladee · 15/05/2019 11:22

Exactly the same thing happened to my niece. However, believing that going back to work would help take her mind off it and help her to heal, she went back to work too early. It resulted in her bursting into tears in front of everyone at work in a huge call centre environment and then going off sick. She then went back to work and again, had a breakdown at work. She stayed off longer this time and had counselling for ptsd. Slowly and surely she is healing. So take all the time you need and go back when you're sure you're ready. Nobody has a right to judge.

Omzlas · 15/05/2019 11:25

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. Agree with PP, 3 months isn't much at all and you should take as much time as you need / can to get yourself together. If you go back to work sooner, you'll likely end up off sick anyway, based on how you described your job.

((((Hugs))))

Original poster
AliceRR · 15/05/2019 11:37

I think you'd need to speak to HR to see how it would work. I know with my company I need to give X amount of notice of when I want to return to work if it's before the assumed 52 weeks and I imagine you'd need to return before you can then be signed off sick?

I asked HR about this before as our policy says 8 weeks notice to end mat leave I think. I said do I need to give that as atm I didn’t know when I’d be ready to go back (hasn’t considered sick then as thought I might be ready after 2-3 months!) and she said no it’s fine they’d use discretion in my situation

Sorry your niece has had a similar loss @Crazyladee

I have considered just trying to go back and then going on sick if I can’t handle it but it’s not ideal is it. There’s a good chance I’d just burst into tears or not handle well something otherwise trivial

Thanks for all the replies. I feel a bit better about it now and may speak to HR about taking the time off sick instead of mat leave

OP posts:
Damntheman · 15/05/2019 11:45

Take the sick leave lovely. This is your mental health, it's very valid. I am so sorry for the loss of your perfect Ruby

Alsohuman · 15/05/2019 11:51

Please take the sick leave. I’m so very sorry, I’ve been there and know how devastating it is. 💐