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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider taking time off sick?

85 replies

AliceRR · 15/05/2019 10:11

I am prepared for honest answers on this. I’m not sure what to do for the best.

I went on mat leave earlier this year when I was 38 weeks pregnant. Weekend the baby was due, she died. She was stillborn a few days later. I am devastated obviously and I’m still on mat leave as I’m not quite ready to go back yet. I had thought three months might be reasonable but it has been a bit that now and I’m not ready. For a while it took time for things to sink in and we haven’t even got PM results yet. I work in a professional / demanding role so once I’m there need to be able to fully focus on what I’m doing.

I had originally planned to take a year off on mat leave and that would have been fine as DH works too. After we lost the baby he worked for a bit but ultimately left as he’s also in a high stress environment and his boss has been VERY unsympathetic. He’s looking for another job.

I get full pay for part of mat leave then half pay and then statutory. Put simply I cannot afford to pay all the bills on just my half pay. If I had full pay I could just about cover everything ‘til DH gets a job.

We don’t have loads of savings so it’s not like we can just live off of that.

I’ve considered whether I would be better taking the time off sick (GP actually offering sick note is what made me consider it) as I get something like 6 months or 12 months full pay.

I should say I am the kind of person who usually doesn’t take time off sick and often don’t even use all my annual leave as I have always prioritised work over everything else.

I am also wanting to go back ASAP, maybe in a month or two, so I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for that but I know I cannot be sure I’ll feel ready.

AIBU or a CF to consider taking time off sick? Is my employer likely to view it badly? Should say I am good at my job and well respected where I work. I expected promotion this year so don’t want to change their view of me an an employee.

In a way sick leave seems to more appropriately reflect why I’m off than mat leave but if it’s likely to be viewed badly then I’d be more inclined to use the limited savings we have and hope DH gets a job soon but even then that won’t last v longs

Sorry for long post and TIA.

OP posts:

Original poster

AliceRR · 15/05/2019 14:41

Yes I think I’d be able to do a phased return and work from home a bit if that makes things easier

I am lucky in that I do have a good employer

OP posts:

BreakfastAtLitanies · 15/05/2019 14:50

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP

No one will think any less of you for taking sick leave. But you are also entitled to maternity leave, you are still Ruby's mother despite this awful tragedy. I'm so, so sorry for what you are going through, no reasonable person would judge you for taking sick leave once your maternity goes to half pay, you really should take it.

Babes222 · 15/05/2019 14:52

It sounds perfectly acceptable to go off sick in this situation! Especially since your doctor suggested it. I think you should take as much time as you need. I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️

purpleboy · 15/05/2019 14:56

So sorry for your loss.

You absolutely need to put your mental health first. You will know when you are ready to go back. Relieving yourself from the financial stress will help you to focus on grieving and getting back to some form of normality.

iolaus · 15/05/2019 22:51

BTW with regard to your half pay situation you may find it's slightly better than you think - I was told fullpay for X weeks, then half pay, before dropping to SMP alone at 6 months. Turned out half pay was actually half pay PLUS SMP

Blistory · 15/05/2019 23:03

You need to be confident in your employer. Maternity leave may be lower pay but it comes with protections that sick leave doesn't. You could well face being managed out or being monitored by HR. Sick leave could count against you for any current or future redundancies.

I know it's a horrible time but please be sure before you decide.

I'm so sorry that you are in this position in the first place.

Lifeover · 15/05/2019 23:08

So sorry for your loss, of course you’re not being unreasonable. Do whatever you need to do

Jasging · 15/05/2019 23:32

I am sorry for your loss, I don't know enough about the technicalities of whether sick leave would be better as sick leave policies can differ so much. One thought though could your husband do some temping or consultancy whilst looking for something permanent? To bump up the income short term but not push him into something that may be wrong.

Original poster

AliceRR · 15/05/2019 23:38

Turned out half pay was actually half pay PLUS SMP

That’s interesting. My full pay was not plus SMP so assumed half pay would be be either as I think they “top up” from SMP to half pay. I think it is just half pay that I will get.

I know it's a horrible time but please be sure before you decide.

I know and this is what I am partly considering. I don’t think my employer would do that. There have been other people off just in my team for long(ish) term sick for stress and another for some other mind of illness but it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that this could affect my career so I am considering that.

I don’t know what to do as there is no way to know for sure that it won’t have an adverse effect but I know being on mat leave I am stressing about money and am probably going to end up feeling forced to go back earlier than I’m ready for financial reasons.

Just considering all my options is stressful and I’ve been back and forth on it.

OP posts:

Original poster

AliceRR · 15/05/2019 23:41

One thought though could your husband do some temping or consultancy whilst looking for something permanent? To bump up the income short term but not push him into something that may be wrong.

Yes this is something we’ve been discussing. I don’t know what minimum wage amounts to monthly (full time) but it may be that MW along with my half pay covers the essentials. I think he will do that and hopefully start looking in the next couple of weeks but I am conscious that I am putting pressure on him because I am stressed about money but it’s not fair to force him back to work (when he might not be ready) just so I don’t have to go back. It’s really difficult.

OP posts:

Copperandtod · 15/05/2019 23:52

I am so sorry for your loss. You need to look after yourself and do not think about the impact of being off sick on your career. You will know when the time is right to return. Do not put a time limit on yourself. Be kind to you. It sounds like you are a valued member of the team and I’m sure your employer wants to welcome you back when you are able and not before.

MinistryOfTragic · 16/05/2019 14:21

Anyone who would think you were unreasonable for taking sick leave under these circumstances is not worth worrying about. Sick leave is there for when you are not able to work (whether that mentally up to it, or physically up to it) you are not able to work. Take the leave, I certainly would, and I would understand anyone who did.

I'm am so so sorry for your loss.

Treaclepie19 · 16/05/2019 14:44

Take the sick leave.
We lost our little boy in December (tfmr) and even now I'm finding things hard. I think at first like you say, it's a shock.

thinking of you.

Original poster

AliceRR · 16/05/2019 14:48

Thank you

I’m still mulling it over. Trying not to let it stress me out but I’m back and forth between thinking it’s the right thing and then worrying it’s not. It helps that most on here seem to think it’s fair.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your little boy @Treaclepie19

OP posts:

Namestheyareachangin · 16/05/2019 15:01

I'm so sorry. Take the sick leave. No-one would think anything of it, you have had a massive trauma and need time to recover. You don't need to be worrying about making ends meet.

Please put yourself first and take care of yourself.

TinselAngel · 16/05/2019 15:04

A lot of people take sick leave after a bereavement, I know I did.

If I was your union rep I'd be advising you that you should take the sick leave that you are entitled to take. That's what it's there for.

Original poster

AliceRR · 25/05/2019 23:15

Just go update I called HR about this just to discuss and ask whether / how much notice I need to give go back or to use a sick note. They say I’m entitled to something like 6 weeks full pay. I’m not sure that’s right. However they kindly said I could ofc use a sick note or they would pay me an extra month’s full pay. That gives me a bit more time.

I’m trying to get into the mindset of going back to work in a month or two and perhaps using KIT days next month to ease myself back in if I feel up to it. I think it will be difficult but I need to do it at some point.

OP posts:

OwlinaTree · 25/05/2019 23:33

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've been in this situation, and going back to work and facing everyone was really hard, harder than actually doing the work. I did it by popping in for little visits, gradually stopping a bit longer, seeing a few more people. When I actually went back it was a bit easier then.

Would you be able to pop in for a visit unofficially and see how you feel as a first step?

Original poster

AliceRR · 25/05/2019 23:39

@OwlinaTree Thank you and I’m sorry you’ve been through something similar.

There is a team meeting next month away from the office which means I get to see my team without all 100 or so people in my office (who are very lovely but i expect it will be overwhelming to see them). It involves a bit of travel which is not ideal and also I just found out someone on the team is pregnant but otherwise it should be a good way to see how I cope around a limited bunch of people. I’m trying to decide whether to go x

OP posts:

Original poster

AliceRR · 25/05/2019 23:41

@OwlinaTree But yes I could just pop into the office to “say hello” or whatever.

It just feels so odd to think about it as going in for KIT days on mat leave was going to be about getting back into work, getting used to being there instead of looking after my baby and maybe even getting a bit of extra pay but now it’s about when I’m able to be back following a loss.

OP posts:

tangledyarn · 25/05/2019 23:46

I think its much more appropriate that you are on sick leave and if you were my colleague I'd be saying the same. Take some time and then see how you are and whether you can go back on a phased return.

OwlinaTree · 25/05/2019 23:48

Yes it's not what you imagine at all is it. It will get easier, and the feelings and emotions become more manageable with time.

The team meeting sounds like a good opportunity, maybe you could pop in at the end for a few minutes just to say hi to everyone.

Original poster

AliceRR · 25/05/2019 23:57

Thanks both.

Sorry not sure if earlier post was clear. I meant they said I could take time off sick or just stay on mat leave and have another month full pay. My employer had been quite good

The team meeting is two hour’s travel each way so it’s a long way to go as it is, more so if I’m not staying for the whole meeting.

I’m just trying to find the balance between making an effort to get back to work in a timely manner and not putting too much pressure on myself.

OP posts:

MoreCookiesPlease · 25/05/2019 23:58

OP, I am so sorry to read of Ruby's passing away. I am so sorry for your loss.

You ought to take sick leave. No one would think any differently of you. The stress of not being able to pay your bills would be detrimental to your wellbeing at what is already such a tough time.

Best of luck moving forward, OP. One day at a time. You are stronger than you know. X

Duck90 · 26/05/2019 00:13

It’s not just about the money is it? It’s the term maternity leave that adds to the hurt (I think - sorry if I’m picking it up wrong)

Your terms and conditions at work are good. Use them, they exist for this reason. Xx

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