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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider taking time off sick?

85 replies

AliceRR · 15/05/2019 10:11

I am prepared for honest answers on this. I’m not sure what to do for the best.

I went on mat leave earlier this year when I was 38 weeks pregnant. Weekend the baby was due, she died. She was stillborn a few days later. I am devastated obviously and I’m still on mat leave as I’m not quite ready to go back yet. I had thought three months might be reasonable but it has been a bit that now and I’m not ready. For a while it took time for things to sink in and we haven’t even got PM results yet. I work in a professional / demanding role so once I’m there need to be able to fully focus on what I’m doing.

I had originally planned to take a year off on mat leave and that would have been fine as DH works too. After we lost the baby he worked for a bit but ultimately left as he’s also in a high stress environment and his boss has been VERY unsympathetic. He’s looking for another job.

I get full pay for part of mat leave then half pay and then statutory. Put simply I cannot afford to pay all the bills on just my half pay. If I had full pay I could just about cover everything ‘til DH gets a job.

We don’t have loads of savings so it’s not like we can just live off of that.

I’ve considered whether I would be better taking the time off sick (GP actually offering sick note is what made me consider it) as I get something like 6 months or 12 months full pay.

I should say I am the kind of person who usually doesn’t take time off sick and often don’t even use all my annual leave as I have always prioritised work over everything else.

I am also wanting to go back ASAP, maybe in a month or two, so I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for that but I know I cannot be sure I’ll feel ready.

AIBU or a CF to consider taking time off sick? Is my employer likely to view it badly? Should say I am good at my job and well respected where I work. I expected promotion this year so don’t want to change their view of me an an employee.

In a way sick leave seems to more appropriately reflect why I’m off than mat leave but if it’s likely to be viewed badly then I’d be more inclined to use the limited savings we have and hope DH gets a job soon but even then that won’t last v longs

Sorry for long post and TIA.

OP posts:
HelpAFattieOutHere · 15/05/2019 11:54

KIT days would be good to test the waters re: returning if still on mat leave? Would also bump up your pay a bit. Hope you manage to reach a solution that works for you

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/05/2019 12:13

In so sorry that you lost your Ruby.

Absolutely take everything that is offered. Anyone who seriously thinks this is piss taking is an absolute bell end

Please take the time to grieve and start to heal.

HBStowe · 15/05/2019 12:15

So sorry OP Flowers definitely take the sick leave. You’re healing - that’s what it’s for.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 15/05/2019 12:22

You're not taking the piss - only an unbelievably callous human being would think that. Take the sick leave - you need to heal.

I am sorry for the loss of your amazing baby girl, Ruby. She will not be forgotten xx

Hearthside · 15/05/2019 12:23

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers.Absolutely take sick leave , 3mths is no time at all you are grieving and no one should judge you for wanting some time off .Only go back when you are ready.

Lolly86 · 15/05/2019 12:25

So sorry for your loss. Please take the sick leave

thaegumathteth · 15/05/2019 12:25

Nobody normal would even begin to think you were taking the piss. Look after yourself.

EmeraldRubyShark · 15/05/2019 12:43

For what it’s work OP, you’d be taking sick leave because you are sick: I don’t mean in a bad way, I just mean that your mental health will be so fragile right now you’re unfit for work while you start working through the early stages of the grieving process. It’s normal to be signed off sick after a loss if you’re not ready to go back. I really wouldn’t worry, take it. You need to put your mental health and financial security first xx

Original poster
AliceRR · 15/05/2019 13:22

For what it’s work OP, you’d be taking sick leave because you are sick

Yes I kind of agree. I feel like whether I was “entitled” to mat leave or not I wouldn’t be up to working right now

KIT days would be good to test the waters re: returning if still on mat leave?

Yes I agree and have been thinking about this too. So as to avoid taking time off sick and struggling financially I have been thinking about how I can get back to work. I know I’m not ready immediately. I could be ready in a month but it seems unlikely tbh. Two months, maybe, and I can try to mentally prepare IYSWIM. KIT days would be my starting point but I know I’m not ready to even do that yet. I have also thought about working from home more and whether that would help (there are two issues - being around that many people all day and doing the work). If I take time off sick then I won’t be able to use KIT days so I have thought about just waiting a month and then see how I feel re using KIT days : going back / taking time off sick

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 15/05/2019 13:23

I’m sorry for your loss @alsohuman

OP posts:
Stylemebabyonemoretime · 15/05/2019 13:27

I’m sorry this has happened to you. Flowers

I work at a place that is quite mercenary and when this happened to a colleague they told her to come off maternity and take sick leave as she would be financially better off.

HarryPottersSecretSister · 15/05/2019 13:28

I am so so sorry for your loss.

Christ - absolutely, without question take the sick leave! no one could possibly think you were unreasonable or a CF for taking it. I don't possess the words to express how completely reasonable and understandable it is for you to do so.

I wish you all the very best.

Original poster
AliceRR · 15/05/2019 13:34

I work at a place that is quite mercenary and when this happened to a colleague they told her to come off maternity and take sick leave as she would be financially better off.

That’s interesting. I think they would understand as I think sick leave is as appropriate as mat leave. I actually feel weird being on mat leave in anyway And don’t feel I can explain it without explaining that I was pregnant and had a baby but the baby died.

I don’t want any adverse effect on my career either though cause of the sickness on my record but then I know that’s not the most important thing right now.

I’ll think about it some more but I appreciate you all making me feel like I’m not wrong to consider it x

OP posts:
fc301 · 15/05/2019 13:36

Never mind what you are 'usually' like. You have suffered a trauma most people can only imagine.
Absolutely take the time you need. Decide what you need to do, be guided by the professionals and all the lovely people here.
Then inform work what you need to do. In the long run your decision will be better respected than if you were to ask them /attempt to justify.
Do not justify. If they take issue with it quite frankly fuck them.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Ruby 💐

pocketcucco · 15/05/2019 13:39

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Definitely take the time off sick. This is exactly what it's there for. Speak to your GP and ask for a fit note. You should take as much time as you need.

PinkHeartLovesCake · 15/05/2019 13:41

I’d take sick leave with out a moments hesitation!

Anyone that judges you for it would be a cold hearted bastard that doesn’t know how losing a child feels.

I have a stillbirth myself at 35 weeks, and it takes a long time to feel even remotely normal Flowers

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 15/05/2019 13:45

Take it as sick leave. I’m so sorry about your lovely baby Ruby. I’m certain no decent colleague (human actually) would think less of you. It might be worth considering asking HR to send an email to your immediate colleagues explaining that you are on sick leave after the death of your baby. Everyone is different but my colleague did this and I was grateful to know so I didn’t say something insensitive by accident and also to be able to be supportive when she came back.

ihatemyjobsomuch · 15/05/2019 13:50

I’m so sorry for you loss op.

As far as I’m aware you’re entitled to full maternity leave so take that.
Don’t take sick leave as it will stay on your record in case you want to swap jobs within the next two years whereas the maternity leave can’t be counted.

My sister had a full term stillbirth and the midwife told her to make sure she took all her maternity leave as she was entitled to it.

ihatemyjobsomuch · 15/05/2019 13:52

Oh sorry just re read your post and that your pay is due to drop.

Of course YANBU taking sick leave in this instance. I think you might have to resume and then take sick though? Are you in a union they might be better placed to give you some employment rights advice.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 15/05/2019 13:57

I'm so sorry for your loss, this happened to one of my team and as her manager I suggested of the record she do exactly what you're suggesting. Our mat leave is 3 months full, 3 months half plus smp then three months SMP, 3 months unpaid. She was considering coming back at six months largely due to financial reasons as her marriage also ended during this time. We get six months full pay and then six months half on sick leave, her GP was very willing to write her a sick note it also meant she read entitled to graduated return, and we moved her into a different job role (sideways move with her full agreement) due to the emotional nature of the role she held previously. She came back at just over a year gradually.

Give yourself the time and space you need.

iolaus · 15/05/2019 14:02

If you hadn't been on maternity leave and your child had died noone would think twice of you going off on the sick

AnnieMay100 · 15/05/2019 14:04

I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers take the sick leave and concentrate on your wellbeing and health it’s worth 1000x more than any job or money

Original poster
AliceRR · 15/05/2019 14:05

@PinkHeartLovedCake Thank you. I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby

@ihatemyjobsomuch Yes exactly I am worried about the impact on my record and career etc but then I also know I’m extra stressed atm. I feel like the “right” thing is to put my health first and for me that might mean taking time off sick so I’m not worrying about work and money but then I also know I’ll hopefully feel somewhat able to get back to “normal” life and work and don’t want to make life harder for myself in he medium-long term

@ZippyBungleandGeorge That is about the same pay I get on mat leave. I’m about at the half pay mark now (started this week or last week) and as H is not working I can pay about 60% of the household bills with my half income. I also don’t want to put pressure on him to go back to work if he’s not ready but I fear I have a bit as I’m a bit stressed about money now.

OP posts:
Keepthebloodynoisedown · 15/05/2019 14:07

sorry for your loss Flowers
You’re absolutely entitled to take sick leave, the extra pay will mean that you don’t have to stress about the bills. Also, going off sick might give more options in terms of phased returns and adjustments when you’re ready to go back.
Look after yourself, no decent person will think twice about this.

ILoveMyCaravan · 15/05/2019 14:19

For the sake of your long term mental health, please take the sick leave now. And when you feel ready can you do a phased return?