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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be univited to a meal

79 replies

ApostleLover · 15/05/2019 02:57

My partner and I have been together about 18 months. His daughters 7th birthday is coming up and for the past three weeks there has been planning for her birthday meal which me and my two kids were going to. But this week his ex has said she doesn't want me there as her mother would feel uncomfortable (no explanation why). My partner understands that I feel upset but appears to have just accepted this. The rest of the ppl going to the meal are her extended family. My partner's family live out of the area so wouldn't be able to go. He has wondered if he should go at all as this feels like her arrangement with her family but is worried his daughter will be upset if he doesn't go.

There is another layer to my upset as late last year we had a similar situation when it was his son's birthday. His ex also put a stop to us going to that. My partner's folks stayed at my house and they all went off out for a meal. At the time my partner said he felt awful about how things had turned out. It felt wrong and it wouldn't be happening again......but here we are!

OP posts:

Peridot1 · 15/05/2019 03:04

Well obviously it’s a shame but it’s probably more unusual to have a big meal with new partners etc after a split I think. Some people manage it but I suspect they are few and far between.

Wingedharpy · 15/05/2019 03:10

Could you and your DC, along with your DP, not have your own celebration of his DD's birthday on a different day?
That way, DP doesn't need to go to the meal with his ex but his DD gets to have him celebrate her birthday with her.

VimFuego101 · 15/05/2019 03:12

I think blended celebrations like this are the exception rather than the norm, unfortunately. I would plan a celebration separately.

OldAndWornOut · 15/05/2019 03:15

I would be upset that his ex is able to stop you going because of her mum!
I could understand it if it upset the children in any way, or if you'd only been together a couple of months.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 15/05/2019 03:19

Me and exdp have always had ‘blended’ birthdays, however, we have a brilliant relationship. Although his exdw was at me going, although I had a partner and another child before she met exdp. But we just ignored her looks and fake smiles (notice she’s now an ex!). But as a previous poster said we are the exception rather than the norm, and I know of only one other ‘family’ like us. So try not to take it personally, she obviously feels uncomfortable with you being there, it’s her daughters birthday too, don’t push it, it’s only been 18 months, sometimes it takes time.

Alicewond · 15/05/2019 03:20

Does the child live with you?

BasiliskStare · 15/05/2019 03:23

OK so not perfect but I would tell him to go to 7 year old daughter's meal. It's a short thing and it's her day. Whether it is ex wife or her mother doesn't really matter - let them have the day they have planned with minimum stress - you can do something else for his DD when she visits you. Just one opinion - all best

FlyingMonkeys · 15/05/2019 03:26

I'd have the feeling it's the ex that won't feel comfortable rather than her mum. I can understand why though if it'll be all of her family sat there (and then you and your kids). I'm not saying it's right or wrong but in her mind it'd probably feel really odd. I'd personally feel really uncomfortable being introduced to members of her extended family in that setting when you've presumably not even met before? I'd book your own celebration meal too, and of course he needs to attend if his dd wants him there?

BlackCatSleeping · 15/05/2019 03:30

I think you just have to accept that the Ex doesn't want to socialise with you and organise separate events in the future. She can have two birthday parties.

Alicewond · 15/05/2019 03:34

If the child doesn’t live with you or has significant contact with her mum then yes you stepping into dangerous waters. Her child and her child’s birthday, no matter what you say or do you are stepping across a line. I say this as a step parent who has been there. Best of luck

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/05/2019 03:48

Yes it's sad that you're not able to go, but it's not really the right thing to make a big deal out of it.
Your partner should be having a birthday meal for his children WITH you and your DC AS WELL as the one they have with their mum - that's his failing, not doing the same thing as she's doing.

Is the ex with a new partner? Does he get to go along to this party? Because if he is there, then it would be "fairer" if you were allowed to go too - but if she's organising it, then in reality she gets to say who's allowed to be there.

Just do your own birthday meal for the children!

FlyingMonkeys · 15/05/2019 04:26

Plus to possibly put it into context - my ex and I split up when Dd wasn't born. His partner (now wife) was invited to kids parties (with lots of other parents there) but never attended small family gatherings on my side, she'd have been very welcome - but would probably have rather chewed through her own arm. There's always going to be occasions when either one of you will feel like a third wheel but that's pretty standard.

PregnantSea · 15/05/2019 05:36

Bit weird that her mum is the one who has an issue? Why would she, of all people, give a toss about this? Makes me think that your DP's ex is the one with the issue and she's just hiding behind her mum.

Your DP should still go to the meal. If he's upset about this then he should tell his ex, and if I were him I would do this, but it shouldn't stop him from going. It's his DD's birthday and none of this is her fault.

makingmammaries · 15/05/2019 05:45

Why would you want to sit through a meal with ex and her extended family? Treat it as a bullet dodged and organize your own celebration.

ittakes2 · 15/05/2019 05:50

I'm sorry I think you are making a big deal out of this - if you put pressure on your partner and he puts pressure on your ex...its his children who will see or experience the fall out. Its his child's birthday for goodness sake - not your's - let them do what suits them and you have another dinner with her and your children. I think you are putting your partner in a difficult position as if he is choosing his ex over you - he's not - he's just trying to keep the peace for his child's special day. Please support him on this.

Littleduckeggblue · 15/05/2019 05:51

I wouldn't go to my DSD birthday meal if it was just going to be the ex and her family. Can't see why you want to go?
Why don't you arrange a meal with OH family for her birthday celebration.

cricketmum84 · 15/05/2019 05:56

I think it's a bit odd to have a celebration all together. Why not have a separate birthday meal out for DSD.

My step dads divorced and remarried parents still wouldn't attend the same family occasions (apart from weddings and funerals) despite their kids being almost 60 lol!

Messyisthenewtidy · 15/05/2019 06:03

Of course it will be weird for his ex and her family to have you there. It’s up to her who she invites to her DD’s birthday party if it’s at her home on her day and a humiliation for her if she has to sit with all her family and her ex’s new girlfriend together. No way.

I think it would be selfish to insist. You can easily have your celebration with DSD another day.

Icandothisallday · 15/05/2019 06:03

In all honesty I think it's odd you were planning on going at all. Since it's a party that is just the exs family attending.

Last year you hadnt been together long. I wouldnt have expected to go either. Why were his parents staying at yours?

I see why he is going. Its his daughter. I would suggest from now on, your dp organises his own birthday celebrations that include you and his own family.

QuickQuestion2019 · 15/05/2019 06:06

I'm baffled as to why you want to go and inflict it on your own DC. Would be awkward for everyone and probably not that interesting for your own DC to sit through lunch with a bunch of strangers. My mum used to pull this stuff on me all the time - going to her current partners family do's. I feel awkward and bored.

Feels like this is more about you needing to feel secure? Organise you own celebration. And of your partner must go. He's her DAD.

anothernotherone · 15/05/2019 06:11

The birthday meal should be about the child whose 7th birthday it is, not about you!

She almost certainly wants both her parents there. It's fairly common for separated parents not to feel comfortable with the new girlfriend of their child's other parent being at their child's events. 18 months isn't a long established relationship, presumably you don't live together as you say "my" house and it's be foolish to have blended two families so fast, you have your own children. You're not her step mum, just her dad's girlfriend.

Don't spoil her birthday by making it about you.

smallereveryday · 15/05/2019 06:21

Ex partners joining up for birthday celebrations can only work 'for the sake of the children' if the adults can put jealousy and bad feeling behind them.

If they can't then 'a party with mum and family' and a 'party with dad and family ' is absolutely normal.

If anything, the kids feel more comfortable this way. Any bad feeling between ex'es and the child is on tenterhooks throughout event that's meant to be special- waiting for one or other partner to 'kick off' ...
Have your own party .

specterlitt · 15/05/2019 06:26

I can understand you feeling a bit hurt, but honestly you two have not been together for even 2 years yet. Whilst having a relationship separately with your step daughter away from her mum is fine, it's still a little new to be playing blended families and also subjecting your children to this.

You're expecting too much too soon as you mention his sons birthday from the year before. These birthday's are not about you nor are they there to be a testament to your relationship, be the adult and support your partner to enjoy his daughter's birthday. Furthermore for the time being celebrate the birthday's of children on both of your sides separately with one another.

Do not make these birthday's about you any further and respect what has been decided and do something yourselves later or before to celebrate also. Blending the families and what not comes with time and sometimes it is better to take smaller steps as the children are priority.

NorthernKnickers · 15/05/2019 06:28

Finding it very odd that you even want to go to be honest! I'd have been 😱🙄😳 if the new GF of my ex had turned up at my children's birthdays!

Can you not see/understand how awkward this might be for everyone? (And if you can't, then that's another whole issue!).

Very, very few people are able to make this kind of scenario work well.

JuniFora · 15/05/2019 06:29

Your ex needs to go, it's his kid and he shouldn't be letting his child down for you. I don't know anybody who invites their exes new girlfriend to their kids parties. It's something I only read on here.

It's wrong to force yourself on people or between a parent and their kids. You're not a part of the exes life and you never will be because she obviously doesn't want you there. Take the hint and respect her boundaries. Her kids celebrations don't come with you attached. Why would they?

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