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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be univited to a meal

79 replies

ApostleLover · 15/05/2019 02:57

My partner and I have been together about 18 months. His daughters 7th birthday is coming up and for the past three weeks there has been planning for her birthday meal which me and my two kids were going to. But this week his ex has said she doesn't want me there as her mother would feel uncomfortable (no explanation why). My partner understands that I feel upset but appears to have just accepted this. The rest of the ppl going to the meal are her extended family. My partner's family live out of the area so wouldn't be able to go. He has wondered if he should go at all as this feels like her arrangement with her family but is worried his daughter will be upset if he doesn't go.

There is another layer to my upset as late last year we had a similar situation when it was his son's birthday. His ex also put a stop to us going to that. My partner's folks stayed at my house and they all went off out for a meal. At the time my partner said he felt awful about how things had turned out. It felt wrong and it wouldn't be happening again......but here we are!

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 15/05/2019 06:31

It sounds like in future you should just have a separate meal or treat for his children’s birthdays rather than risk this happening again.
I can see both sides but to be honest I’ve never been too keen to go to joint birthday things for DSDs birthday and when we’ve offered it to her she’s always said it would be too weird

LellyMcKelly · 15/05/2019 06:35

Not sure why you’d want to go and drag your kids along to what is clearly a family meal for your husbands ex’s family. He should go as it’s his daughter, but why can’t you celebrate her birthday on a different day or time.

Loopytiles · 15/05/2019 06:36

YABU.

Your DP’s DC having both parents at her celebration with her mother’s family is a good thing her. His ex is not U not to invite you.

Loopytiles · 15/05/2019 06:37

And your DP is not U to prioritise his daughter, and (on this) his ex’s wishes, over your wish to attend.

KatherineJaneway · 15/05/2019 06:42

Who planned the meal and who invited you?

Cherrysoup · 15/05/2019 06:47

His family stayed at yours and then went out for his ds’ birthday leaving you behind?! Wtf? That’s ridiculous!

Hellywelly10 · 15/05/2019 06:49

Its better to be un (or not invited) then go and there is a horrible atmosphere, trust me i know from experence.

category12 · 15/05/2019 06:50

Your dh should do his own celebrations with the dc. Only for the big celebrations do things need to be blended and a 7th birthday is not that.

To be a bit facetious, isn't that supposed to be the silver lining of having split up parents: double birthdays and double Christmases?! Grin

Given it's his ex and her family, not his, he's no real business being there.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 15/05/2019 06:53

I don't think you should put any pressure on your do, just accept that this is how it will be on DSD's birthday. It's fair enough, I think.

specterlitt · 15/05/2019 06:57

@KatherineJaneway Good question, OP were you ACTUALLY ever invited or did you just assume you would be and then found out there was no invitation for you?

category12 · 15/05/2019 06:58

So, personally I'd tell him to go without you this time, but the next birthdays etc that come up, he needs to be arranging something for the dc off his own bat with you and your dc included, and the ex can arrange what she likes with her side.

specterlitt · 15/05/2019 07:03

@Cherrysoup Why is that ridiculous if the OP and their son live together (I assume?) why can they not stay at the home their son shares and attend their grandson's birthday? There's nothing wrong with that at all.

OP is just wanting too much too soon and doesn't appear to mind that she's dragging her children along with her in this need of validation of her relationship. Blending families successfully can take time but there will always be some boundaries and she needs to accept this and strengthen the relationship without the need to be a part of everything for her step children. To be fair she has no real business attending this meal as it's the ex and her family and her partner should go for the sake of his daughter.

Icandothisallday · 15/05/2019 07:08

specterlitt I think that's what the poster is trying to establish. Though I may be wrong.

It may be that it's a shared home. If so, I would agree with the second part of your post wholeheartedly.

IAmTheChosenOne · 15/05/2019 07:14

My partner's folks stayed at my house and they all went off out for a meal.

They wont be staying agin will they?

My advice, get a new partner, one that values you and puts you first, not his ex.

stucknoue · 15/05/2019 07:19

Does his ex have a new partner? It's very unusual (those very good to hear) for even the ex to be invited, a new partner is even rarer, though if both have new partners and can get along it's less awkward and great for the kids, if ex hasn't got a partner I can see her being uneasy about you going

specterlitt · 15/05/2019 07:19

@IAmTheChosenOne How is he putting his ex first? He's putting his children first - as it should be. He has not actually disrespected the OP by attending his son/daughters birthday or wanting to attend. His ex is not being unreasonable by not wanting her there either. Failing to see why she has to be told to find a new partner over this, there's been no wrongdoing to her.

Cottonwoolmouth · 15/05/2019 07:20

There is obviously still some unresolved feelings on her part.

Don’t take it personally OP there her issues not yours. Let this year go and plan something separate next year however I can’t see a reason why he can’t book something else for you all considering he has no other family going.

Ex’s don’t get to dictate how the other parent spends their time it’s controlling so some posters on here need to get down off their high horses

I’ve been in this situation and thought ex’s new girlfriend was lovely and thought ex was punching above his weight!

specterlitt · 15/05/2019 07:21

@Icandothisallday I was under the impression the previous poster assumed it was just OP's home. Although I do not know either. If they live separately and they stayed with OP for whatever reason, she would have had to say yes, if you say yes you cannot really complain that you then put them up. Unless of course it was all arranged against her will, in which case she's entitled to be annoyed that they did that. However, if they both do share a home then they can stay with their son without it being an issue.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 15/05/2019 07:23

I see this as the child's mother organising something for her daughter's birthday with her family, and inviting the child's father as a courtesy, if he wanted to do something with you and your children for her birthday he should've organised it

specterlitt · 15/05/2019 07:25

@Cottonwoolmouth But the ex hasn't dictated anything? Where has the OP mentioned AT ALL that the ex has dictated something? The issue is that they do not want OP and her children to attend her daughter's birthday meal with her family. The father of the child should attend if his daughter wants him too. As I and other poster's have also mentioned, the OP and her partner can and should do birthday plans separately for both of their children away from ex's and build their relationship from that.

It's only been 18 months, things are still going to take some time, but there's nothing to stop them from making and carrying out their own plans with the children on both sides. That is a way to strengthen the children's relationships with one another as well as OP and her partner.

desparate4sleep · 15/05/2019 07:29

YABU and a bit controlling. Why would you want to go to a party with his ex's family?

Marchitectmummy · 15/05/2019 07:37

I don't think it's unreasonable for you not to be invited, if you want to celebrate the girls birthday then do it separately.

Dippypippy1980 · 15/05/2019 07:38

I think you are expecting too much from his ex wife and her family.

It would be of course lovely of you could all get together like this - but it would be very unusual and I understand that her family would find it odd that his new girlfriend and her children would be there. A kids party with loads of people might be different, but a family meal is quite intimate.

Your boyfriend should go no matter what - it’s lovely that his daughter can see her parents getting together to celebrate her birthday. She is the most important person in his, it would be awful if her dad didn’t attend because of a perceived slight to you.

The mistake was probably to invite you in he first place when everyone knew it would be awkward and weird.

Pick your battles, this is not one

MargotMoon · 15/05/2019 07:38

Your DP should absolutely not miss the bday meal if his daughter would be upset that he wasn't there. But there's nothing to stop you, DP and your kids all doing something as well to celebrate. His DD should not be without her dad on a special occasion, adults have put her in this situation and should cooperate to make it as stress-free as possible for her sake.

Dippypippy1980 · 15/05/2019 07:40

Iamthechosenone - his daughter some first, not the e. And not the news girlfriend😊