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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be univited to a meal

79 replies

ApostleLover · 15/05/2019 02:57

My partner and I have been together about 18 months. His daughters 7th birthday is coming up and for the past three weeks there has been planning for her birthday meal which me and my two kids were going to. But this week his ex has said she doesn't want me there as her mother would feel uncomfortable (no explanation why). My partner understands that I feel upset but appears to have just accepted this. The rest of the ppl going to the meal are her extended family. My partner's family live out of the area so wouldn't be able to go. He has wondered if he should go at all as this feels like her arrangement with her family but is worried his daughter will be upset if he doesn't go.

There is another layer to my upset as late last year we had a similar situation when it was his son's birthday. His ex also put a stop to us going to that. My partner's folks stayed at my house and they all went off out for a meal. At the time my partner said he felt awful about how things had turned out. It felt wrong and it wouldn't be happening again......but here we are!

OP posts:

poundoflard · 15/05/2019 07:49

Best thing when my parents got divorced was the double Christmasses, birthdays , extra treats, etc
My parents couldn't bear to be in the same room so it was for the best :)

However when I split from my exh I was determined we would be civil, unlike my parents had been as being altogether for anything was horrible.

We made sure we did things together (even Christmas with the exILs! and even went to each others weddings!) and we have a great relationship.

Either forget this meal as her mums treat for her, as her mum is obviously more sensitive to you than you are of her, and do something lovely as a treat with your dp and her.
Either way make sure its the child's best interest at heart not what you may or may not feel is best for you or her mum. Its not your day ( or her mums but you cant change that) but the 7yr olds.

Cottonwoolmouth · 15/05/2019 07:52

Specter youve just answered your own question

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 15/05/2019 07:56

I understand you must feel really left out and perhaps angry that you are being dictated to by the ex ..but OP it will be difficult for your OH too..he is torn between making his daughter happy or upsetting you ...He really has to go ..its not his fault.Its an awful situation to be placed in but sadly its common.It doesnt mean you are second best or your family together doesnt mean anything ..it means he is biting the bullet and trying to be a good dad and keeping the bolt in the nick for his daughter ...this situation bears no reflection on your life together but your oh is stuck between a rock and a hard place.You will come out of this stronger if you support him and not make it difficult.Its hard to swallow granted but its a few hours and for the sake of his little girl ..it would be worth it...It doesnt mean the ex has won it means you are the better person not her...

lifebegins50 · 15/05/2019 08:04

You are a stranger to her family so I completely understand why they would feel uncomfortable. Just try to see it from their perspective and not take it personally. You have to adjust your expectations of what your life is like with your partner.

I think if his family stayed with you after 6 months that was way too rushed so you now feel taken for granted.

6 months isn't long enough to move someone in let alone have their family stay.
I think you over stepped boundaries and that is why it feels uncomfortable.

Never give too much of your time and effort early in a relationship as it can lead to resentment and blended families can take years to work well. However even after time & investment they may never work to your expectations.

Will you be able to accept you sit on the sidelines for birthdays? As that could be the reality.

Quartz2208 · 15/05/2019 08:04

This isnt a party though is it. It is a meal with her mum and her maternal extended family - surely you going to that would be slightly odd. A party where school friends/other friends were going yes I can see that making sense but a meal when it is all the ex's family - why on earth would you want to do that.

Let him go and do something else for it

regmover · 15/05/2019 08:09

14 years and I've never attended a family meal with his son, ex and assorted family on her side, and I'd never want to. Have your own celebration if you want to. Of course your partner should go.

Dippypippy1980 · 15/05/2019 08:18

my ex split from his girlfriend just before our daughters birthday. I had planned to invite her two children to my daughters big kids party- she may well have come along too but there would have been loads of people there so not awkward.

I then have a small family meal to include the grandparents who don’t fancy wild kids parties (his parents!!). I would not have invited the girlfriend and her kids to this as it a small gathering in my home and I felt it was too much. I feel I am being inclusive by inviting ex and his parents and siblings. The party was for my daughter so I invited her family.

My ex is of course free to have his own celebrations - to which he can invite me and my parents if he wishes. I would never expect him to invite my boyfriend - who would never be upset or strop at being left out.

It’s tough, but if you put the children first it becomes easier to navigate.

Missingstreetlife · 15/05/2019 08:19

It will be awkward, just step back. Have cake or pizza or a nice picnic, next time they visit you. The kids can have two birthday celebrations, go bowling, roller skating, whatever.
I think school plays, concerts, fairs (but not open days, meet the teacher, see my work) and other more casual events are fair game and mum should suck it up if she can't go at a different time.
They are the parents, you have a supporting role. It can be valuable and rewarding but don't overstep the mark

Missingstreetlife · 15/05/2019 08:27

It is better if everyone gets on but you can't force it and you won't win a contest. Try v slowly to build good relations with your 'wife in law' even if it's at arms length. She's probably feeling a bit insecure like you.

Dippypippy1980 · 15/05/2019 08:32

I read your last throes when your boyfriend didn’t go to your child’s party.

I wonder are you expecting too much too fast? As others have said it is perfectly normal for his ex and her mother to not want to have a meal with you - you are a stranger to them - and I am sorry but parents new partners fall pretty low in the pecking order when it comes to the children.

You are making a big mistake if you start demanding to be given equal status as the parents. Stop thinking of this lady as he ex and start thinking of her as this little girls mother.

The grandmother probably couldn’t give a fig about you and doesn’t want some stranger spoiling her lovely family party - I know that’s how my mother felt about my ex’s new girlfriend. She would have Ben polite if she met her - but didn’t see why she should include her in family stuff.

ChuckleBuckles · 15/05/2019 08:44

My partner's folks stayed at my house and they all went off out for a meal

I am guessing this is the real issue here, that OP feels "good enough" for some family stuff but not other family stuff. A bit picked up and put down when convenient.

Do you live together OP? Do his DC spend time in your home when it is his contact time, because then I can see how it is hurtful that you are good enough to be a step parent of sorts but not good enough to include in all events. And for those telling the OP to organise a separate birthday event that is the fathers job to sort not OP, and I think that is the issue here too, he just didn't bother and tries to tack on to the mother's birthday celebration.

Original poster

ApostleLover · 15/05/2019 08:48

Thank you everyone for your posts, it's helping me get my head around it.

It's not something I really ever wanted to go to but we were invited three weeks ago with his exes knowledge and all seemed to be fine. We didn't know at this stage that she had invited extended family. She does have a partner also and I'm not sure if he will be there.

I do think I've taken this last minute un-invite personally which has probably clouded my feelings on it.

I absolutely want him to go and celebrate her birthday and we are now planning to do something separately.

OP posts:

Fatasfooook · 15/05/2019 08:56

That’s the good thing about your parents splitting up, you get two birthday celebrations.
Leave his mother to do what she wants and you plan your own thing

Icandothisallday · 15/05/2019 09:05

But now your dps family arent going. It makes sense to not have you there either.

Now you would be going out for a meal with your dps exs family. That is odd. He partner going ianr odd, because its he family.

If dps family were going as well, fine.

Your dp, should be organising he own stuff for his daughters birthday.

Its likely she wishes yours dp wasnt going now as well, since it's just her family and him.

Trying to get everyone to attend in these circumstances is a nice idea, but rarely works out.

Now he has told his dd he is going. He cant really back out. But should have been doing his own thing, with you and his own family.

I suspect, he prefers doing things that he ex has organised rather than organising something himself though.

Hopeygoflightly · 15/05/2019 09:07

She doesn't want you there with all her family that's fine but of course your DH should put in an appearance, it's his kid...

Babes222 · 15/05/2019 09:09

Just do everyone a favour and plan separate meals. Why would you even want to be there with his ex? So awkward.

Pk37 · 15/05/2019 09:11

To be blunt, it’s down to the mum of she’s arranged the meal , I can’t stand my ex’s other half she’s a right stuck up cow so why should I feel uncomfortable just because she feels she has a right to be there , I wouldn’t expect to be invited if it was the other way round ,we’d do something separate instead , no big deal

letsgohooray · 15/05/2019 09:14

If her new Dp is there then she is being completely U to refuse you. You are the stepmother and assuming all goes well, you will be for the rest of their lives. Trying to pretend otherwise is not good for anyone. Trying to foster a loving blended family is what everyone should be aiming for.

Inertia · 15/05/2019 09:18

I'd just sit this one out graciously- it's the family of your partner's ex-wife, it'd just feel uncomfortable anyway. You and your partner can plan another celebration for the birthday child.

mindutopia · 15/05/2019 09:18

I think it's appropriate in this situation to bow out and let your partner enjoy his day with his dd, then plan your own celebration. 18 months in and not married is still very early to be coming to blended family functions (and it surely was a year ago when you weren't invited to his son's).

EggAndButter · 15/05/2019 09:28

He needs to organise a birthday meal for his children and his side of the family. One that will include you.

Meals with her side of the family etc... are organised by her. That’s it.

Birthdays meals where both parents are there are only possible when both parents are also happy to accept that they will have a partner and can welcome said partners with open arms.

Going to meal with HIS parents whilst excluding you, all because his ex wasn’t happy for you to be there, was low. She doesn’t get to say who is or isn’t coming to a meal he organises.

EggAndButter · 15/05/2019 09:29

Btw I think your partner needs to grow a backbone.

It’s his ex that is creating tension and problems. He doesn’t have to jump whenever she says so.

Icandothisallday · 15/05/2019 09:34

If her new Dp is there then she is being completely U to refuse you

Of course she isnt.

You cant see the difference between her own partner coming to a meal with her family and her exs new partner coming to a meal with her family?

user1496259972 · 15/05/2019 09:34

She’s a lucky girl to have so many people who love her this much! Definitely do a spectate celebration with her. Double birthday celebrations - what’s not to like!

Happynow001 · 15/05/2019 13:08

My partner's folks stayed at my house and they all went off out for a meal. At the time my partner said he felt awful about how things had turned out
So to clarify, your partner's parents? Stayed in your house (overnight? A few hours before the lunch?) went to the lunch without you? You must have felt terrible and snubbed - and maybe they should stay elsewhere next time.

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