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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex leaving 15 year old home alone.

110 replies

youngone · 13/05/2019 23:44

Ok so

I was away last weekend with the kids. 15 year old decided he didnt want to go so I arranged for him to stay with my mum.

My ex and I are on pretty good terms so when 15 year old text to say he wanted to go home grans internet was rubbish and she was looking after 3 under 8s overnight. I asked ex if he would mind staying in mine that night with 15 year old he said fine. He was working until 11ish and son was going home at 7ish.

So the next morning I text lol did you see 15 year old last night (typical teenager playing games). And he text back that he had tried to phone 15 year old and couldn't get hold of him so he didnt go round!!!

1st 15 yo s phone is broken so he cant get WhatsApp make calls only fb messager on wifi. 2nd wtf he didnt even check with me who could have confirmed he was home.

I was furious and exs arguement was hes 15 chill out.

So I phoned 15 yo who was fine he had waited until 1am for his dad then locked the door and went to bed.

So even though it all worked out ok aibu refusing to speak to ex?

I trusted him too look after my son which he didnt do! He couldn't get hold of him so his answer was just to not bother (for me not getting hold of him is more reason to phone mum or nana to check where he is then check on him!!)

My son was left overnight alone with only internet contact. He had no warning he would be alone. And I had already discussed this with my ex and explained I wasnt happy leaving him.

Never mind the fact that had something happened I would have been the one left explaining!!

OP posts:
Reddedder · 14/05/2019 07:59

He’s 15. No wonder they youth of today are too scared to do anything on their own. They’re mollycoddled to within an inch of their lives.

LimeKiwi · 14/05/2019 08:05

I've got a 15 year old - would leave him alone during the day, or maybe during the evening, but definitely not overnight.
Surprised so many are saying it's OTT - it's not OTT to not leave a 15 year home alone overnight at all.

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 14/05/2019 08:12

YANBU, at 15 he may or may not have been OK alone overnight, but he was expecting his Dad, who just didn't bother to turn up. It is lucky he was sensible enough to deal with it, but it is not good enough!

Wheresthebeach · 14/05/2019 08:14

The two of you agreed what would happen, it didn't, and he didn't bother telling you. Resulting in the 15 year old being left alone. I'd have problems trusting him to do what we'd agreed in the future. He should have called you and said that he wasn't going as agreed.

The issue of whether the 15 yr old is capable of being left overnight is a different issue IMO. The autism does change things.. However, you should be proud of your son - he managed it all really well. My 14 yr old DD would have been worried that her father had had an accident and definitely wouldn't be happy in a house alone.

AlaskanOilBaron · 14/05/2019 08:15

I don't let my 16.5 year old stay alone overnight, I wouldn't like this.

CremeEggThief · 14/05/2019 08:17

YABU. I've left DS home alone overnight with no relatives in our area at 15. Twice.

Aprillygirl · 14/05/2019 08:21

Why didn't you warn your ex that he wouldn't be able to contact your DS? And why do you pander to your 15yr old so much? I can see why his dad would have assumed that the kid had just changed his mind again and was ok. Yabu.

kateandme · 14/05/2019 08:23

i dont think its about leaving a 15 year old as such.of course that comes into it as he was infact more safe than if he was young.but its the fact he didnt do what he said he would.and you thought someone was there for/being responsible for his safety and wellbeing and he didnt come through with that.

Whatafustercluck · 14/05/2019 08:24

His dad's place isn't set up for having his dc stay with him? His 15yo ds doesn't have a key? Does his father have form for shirking his responsibility? At first I thought yabu - teens have form for changing plans, his dad didn't know I presume that there were problems with his phone (and probably should have been told) and I'm all for encouraging independent thinking in young people. But your ds is autistic. And it sounds like there's a history of your ex ducking out of sharing the parental load.

We gave dsd a key around that age and told her we'd much prefer her to drop in any time than be left without a place to stay or transport home. And I know that dh wouldn't rest until he had managed to contact dsd and knew she was ok in a similar situation.

Natsku · 14/05/2019 08:25

Doesn't matter how old or capable he is, he was expecting his dad to come and his dad didn't turn up. When he didn't answer the phone a normal parent would be concerned that something had happened but instead his dad just goes off home to bed, without knowing if his son was ok or where he was. YANBU.

diddl · 14/05/2019 08:29

I can't understand your exes "reasoning" at all!

But agree he should have said no if he cba.

As should you to your son-tough that the wifi was shit & others were there-it was his choice to be there rather than with you.

TheRedBarrows · 14/05/2019 08:30

He was BVU to not follow up on making contact and finding out where DS was and if he was OK, and HWBVU to just leave Ds not knowing what was happening.

Ds alone overnight, probably fine. But not just left like that, and without his Dad knowing he was even home Angry

WMPAGL · 14/05/2019 08:33

I think being alone overnight at 15 is probably fine in lots of cases, but to me that's not really the issue.

Your ex couldn't get hold of his 15 year old son at night when he was expecting to be able to (and, last he heard, when his son was expecting to see him) so he just...left it? Are you kidding me?

When would be have started to make further attempts to contact your son, exactly? When the police were knocking on the door 3 days later? Or does he just think that you're the only parent with real responsibility for your son's welfare and if something has happened to him between travelling to his grandparents and mum's house, it's not really his concern?

I expect it's just selfish, irresponsible thoughtlessness but I think you're entitled to be annoyed with that!

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/05/2019 08:38

Why didn’t your son fb mess or wats app dad

Or even you to say dad not here

Assume internet at home. Esp if you had Alexa there

Agree more danger 7/11 left alone sheiks possibly cooking then asleep alone at night

And well done for locking door

JonSnowsFurCoat · 14/05/2019 08:41

I think the issue here is your son was expecting his dad to come over and he didn’t. He also had a lame excuse for why he didn’t come.

The fact 15 year o,d is fine is irrelevant. Your son waited up until 1am and his dad didn’t show because he couldn’t be bothered. That’s awful on dads part

Bloomburger · 14/05/2019 08:43

Refusing to speak to someone you have to share care of children with is much more unreasonable than leaving a 15 year old home alone.

Your 15 year old was fine, no one was hurt, just express in a mature, grown up way why you're upset and move on knowing that in future you've been a good enough parent to make your 15 year old responsible enough to be left overnight alone.

Pinkprincess1978 · 14/05/2019 08:45

I'm not overly bothered about the leaving him alone as I don't see anything wrong with that but the fact he had rang and not got hold of him so left it. He might have not got hold of him because he had, had an accident, or had snuck out to a party or was roaming the streets with mates.

That is the part I would've most unhappy with.

Seeline · 14/05/2019 08:48

That is the issue - many 15yos would be fine being left overnight. BUT they would know that they were being left overnight, and presumably as a parent you would go through the 'what ifs' and the 'no you can'ts'. Equally the child can ask questions.

Just being left without any explanation is very different.

Just being left, because the responsible adult couldn't contact them and so assumed they were some where else safe is inexcusable.

Hailthelime · 14/05/2019 08:55

I would have been livid

DerelictWreck · 14/05/2019 09:00

Did his dad know his phone was broken? Sounds like you knew but didn't tell him and just expected them both to magically know that the other one was expecting or trying to reach them?

TixieLix · 14/05/2019 09:01

You say in your first post that your DS text you to say he didn't want to stay with his DGM. Why didn't your ex try texting your son if he couldn't call? Or try contacting on FB messenger?

Julesbean · 14/05/2019 09:03

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Jaimemai · 14/05/2019 09:05

15 is old . I was well able to look after myself at 15. If you think about it, most of us babysit and look after other small children and babies at 15. At 15 I was spending evey Saturday night, not just alone, but alone in a house , one town away, looking after two children and a baby, and I loved it! I loved babysitting

viques · 14/05/2019 09:09

Refusing to speak to your ex is not going to improve your poor communications problem is it?

Merinocool · 14/05/2019 09:54

I have an almost 15 year old and I wouldn’t like this. I was left overnight by myself at 15 but it was planned, things were discussed with me as in what to do it there was an emergency and I knew when people would be home. This kid was expecting his dad to come over, that didn’t happen so it’s a different situation, I don’t think the first time you leave a kid overnight should be done by just not turning up, how does the dad even know he made it home and wasn’t stranded somewhere. That’s the bit I would be annoyed at.