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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex leaving 15 year old home alone.

110 replies

youngone · 13/05/2019 23:44

Ok so

I was away last weekend with the kids. 15 year old decided he didnt want to go so I arranged for him to stay with my mum.

My ex and I are on pretty good terms so when 15 year old text to say he wanted to go home grans internet was rubbish and she was looking after 3 under 8s overnight. I asked ex if he would mind staying in mine that night with 15 year old he said fine. He was working until 11ish and son was going home at 7ish.

So the next morning I text lol did you see 15 year old last night (typical teenager playing games). And he text back that he had tried to phone 15 year old and couldn't get hold of him so he didnt go round!!!

1st 15 yo s phone is broken so he cant get WhatsApp make calls only fb messager on wifi. 2nd wtf he didnt even check with me who could have confirmed he was home.

I was furious and exs arguement was hes 15 chill out.

So I phoned 15 yo who was fine he had waited until 1am for his dad then locked the door and went to bed.

So even though it all worked out ok aibu refusing to speak to ex?

I trusted him too look after my son which he didnt do! He couldn't get hold of him so his answer was just to not bother (for me not getting hold of him is more reason to phone mum or nana to check where he is then check on him!!)

My son was left overnight alone with only internet contact. He had no warning he would be alone. And I had already discussed this with my ex and explained I wasnt happy leaving him.

Never mind the fact that had something happened I would have been the one left explaining!!

OP posts:
strawberrisc · 14/05/2019 06:49

Jesus. What age WOULD you let him stay by himself overnight? As for being done for neglect, words fail me.

RantyAnty · 14/05/2019 06:51

YABVU

He's 15 not 5.

I had a job at 14.

How on earth is he ever going to learn to fend for himself with your hovering. He's going to be on his own at some point.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 14/05/2019 06:54

Not illegal but recommended that a child under 16 isn't left home alone. And if anything happened you are at risk of being charged with neglect!

What nonsense, as a previous SW that just made me LOL

Hmm
Toffeecakes · 14/05/2019 06:55

Some 15yo are fine to be home alone, some are not. The OP made a judgement call, decided he wasn't and ex agreed to go and be with him overnight. Ex then couldn't get a response - so he left! He didn't bother to check if something had happened, and bearing in mind his mother had asked for him to be supervised at this age suggesting he may be vulnerable, he went home.

If you went to see a friend and the same situation occurred you wouldn't just ignore and go home, you'd check on them. He could have been ill or hurt himself, going home and not investigating was a selfish and irresponsible thing to do - especially when it comes to your own child.

If the situation had been that he was fine but wasn't bothered if dad was there or not, and then dad left then I wouldn't have been too harsh on him. But to just leave when he couldn't get an answer was really stupid.

aLilNonnyMouse · 14/05/2019 06:55

At 15 I wouldn't be making a fuss about it. I was left home alone for 3-4 days at that age while my parents went on holidays.

Mostly sounds like a communication breakdown to me, and there doesn't seem any point in falling out over it.

merrymouse · 14/05/2019 07:01

If you went to see a friend and the same situation occurred you wouldn't just ignore and go home, you'd check on them.

Exactly! Regardless of age, or why the OP thought this particular 15 year old needed company, this isn't how adults treat adults. I'd be furious if I was staying up waiting for my Dad to arrive and he just didn't bother because 'he couldn't get hold of me' and I am in my 40's.

MumUnderTheMoon · 14/05/2019 07:01

I think a 15 yo can be alone over night. However I would be angry that the had been let down. He waited up and in the end went to bed not knowing what had happened.

Mumsie448 · 14/05/2019 07:13

My concern here is that the son was left without any means of contacting anyone.
If there is no landline, then he should have a mobile phone that works. Internet only means of communicating is not very fast, if there was any sort of emergency.
If I have misunderstood this, as you also mentioned you phoned him, then why couldn't your ex phone him.
You mentioned your son had left cooker on, etc in the past, so he should always have a means of contacting emergency services (while he was expected to be there alone 7-11 pm). In fact this is often the time when something could have happened.

PregnantSea · 14/05/2019 07:15

His dad should have gone around to check on him since he said he would, but still, I do think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. He's 15, I'm surprised you didn't just say he could go home alone anyway.

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2019 07:15

Anyone read the OP's updates?

Anyone?

labazsisgoingmad · 14/05/2019 07:16

whole situation seemed a bit messy and confusing to me. why does everything have to be done thru whatsapp etc what is wrong with a good old fashioned phone call?

Teddybear45 · 14/05/2019 07:24

If his autism is that bad, Your son shouldn’t have had the option to leave his gran’s; and you certainly shouldn’t have left him alone between 7-11 without a working mobile phone. This is on you.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 14/05/2019 07:25

I would not have let my sensible 15 year old stay at home alone by himself so for that YANBU. However, I would have made sure that he would have have been able to contact me and would have had plans set in concrete before I left. Your ex was BU for what he did but I guess that is why he is your ex!

youarenotkiddingme · 14/05/2019 07:26

People are ignoring the point (typical 🤦🏼‍♀️).

Yes, a 15yo may be fine overnight alone at home.

But in this case one of the parents believed the dad was there and assumed he was being cared for.

When in fact no one was at least checking he was ok - something the mum could have done if she'd known he was alone.

Also the 15yo waited up for his dad who didn't turn up.

Yanbu to be annoyed he ignored the plan and failed to communicate with you about it.

justarandomtricycle · 14/05/2019 07:29

I think the fact your 15 year old enough to have survived (although probably felt let down or disregarded) is not the main point.

Who would agree to do this, and a phone doesn't work so they say fuck it I'll go to bed and not say anything to anyone? Who does that?

Seeline · 14/05/2019 07:29

The OP had arranged that her ex would look after her DS. That is what DS was expecting. DS has autism.

Ex didn't get a response from phone call so assumed DS wasn't there. How you could determine that from a call to a mobile I don't know. In any case, ex should have determined where DS was before deciding not to go as arranged.

Whether 15yos can be/should be left overnight is irrelevant. In this case he was expecting hid dad, who didn't turn up.

I would be very angry in this situation.

I would also not have left my Ds without means of communication.

LuluBellaBlue · 14/05/2019 07:31

My 15 stays home alone, sometimes overnight however we have a large guard dog and my sister lives 4 doors down.

However I would be furious - as you said no one knew he was home alone, least of all your ds! Pretty pathetic parenting from your ex

Jellybeansincognito · 14/05/2019 07:31

@Nanny0gg autism doesn’t automatically mean you can’t be left alone.

JustLooking2019 · 14/05/2019 07:38

How is this on her?!
She made arrangements with her ex to stay with her son, he obviously agreed to it so the pp asking why should he stay at hers after working, it’s irrelevant- he agreed to do it!
How old the son is, is not the point here. The point is the father let the son (and op) down and changed the plan without telling anyone! If I couldn’t get hold of my son when he was expecting me I’d be worried not just leave it!

stucknoue · 14/05/2019 07:38

Apart from having a working house phone (this is a good example of why a landline is still needed, mobile phones break or are flat battery), I would have let mine stay at home or insist they came with me / sending a kid to their grandmother isn't fair

Original poster
youngone · 14/05/2019 07:50

Stucknoue that's exactly why I preferred his dad to look after him. I would have happily taken him but as my mum didnt mind and he didnt want to go I thought fair enough.

As for the phone I've said before it can contact 999 and use Facebook messenger his is being repaired so that one doesn't accept his sim. I also had the ability to drop in via Alexa with him so I wasnt overly concerned about being able to contact him (as a matter of fact his dad also could have dropped in with alexa).

However had I known his dad wouldnt be there I would have had him collected.

His dad also had the option to say no but send him to mine!.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/05/2019 07:51

@Jellybeansincognito
autism doesn’t automatically mean you can’t be left alone

Overnight? I would have thought that it would really be a No at 15. How well would he cope in an emergency with limited phone do you think? And no-one knew he was alone except his father

OKBobble · 14/05/2019 07:55

But he had internet access so why didn't they use whatsapp on the internet?

OKBobble · 14/05/2019 07:56

You were managing to speak to your son, so how could your son not speak to his dad?

Stressedout10 · 14/05/2019 07:56

@nanyogg I often disagree with you but on this occasion I agree whole heartedly people are ignoring the fact that he's autistic.

@youngone I would be livid if someone let alone my ds dad left my autistic child alone over night, and yes autism isn't an automatic he can't be left alone but you have given some very valid reasons for why it's not ok yadnbu

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