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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex leaving 15 year old home alone.

110 replies

youngone · 13/05/2019 23:44

Ok so

I was away last weekend with the kids. 15 year old decided he didnt want to go so I arranged for him to stay with my mum.

My ex and I are on pretty good terms so when 15 year old text to say he wanted to go home grans internet was rubbish and she was looking after 3 under 8s overnight. I asked ex if he would mind staying in mine that night with 15 year old he said fine. He was working until 11ish and son was going home at 7ish.

So the next morning I text lol did you see 15 year old last night (typical teenager playing games). And he text back that he had tried to phone 15 year old and couldn't get hold of him so he didnt go round!!!

1st 15 yo s phone is broken so he cant get WhatsApp make calls only fb messager on wifi. 2nd wtf he didnt even check with me who could have confirmed he was home.

I was furious and exs arguement was hes 15 chill out.

So I phoned 15 yo who was fine he had waited until 1am for his dad then locked the door and went to bed.

So even though it all worked out ok aibu refusing to speak to ex?

I trusted him too look after my son which he didnt do! He couldn't get hold of him so his answer was just to not bother (for me not getting hold of him is more reason to phone mum or nana to check where he is then check on him!!)

My son was left overnight alone with only internet contact. He had no warning he would be alone. And I had already discussed this with my ex and explained I wasnt happy leaving him.

Never mind the fact that had something happened I would have been the one left explaining!!

OP posts:
Original poster
youngone · 14/05/2019 00:17

Just to clarify I'm not refusing to talk to ex in a huffy way he is refusing to speak to me until I apologise for being angry with him. But I feel I am justified. Even if I'd had a chance to explain to 15yo his dad wouldnt be coming it would have been different though I would have just got him a taxi back to my mums

OP posts:
Original poster
youngone · 14/05/2019 00:19

My house is the same distance from his work as his is and my son doesn't have a key to his house.

I'm well used to him saying no so it wouldnt have been a problem 15yo would have just been told to stay with my mum.

Wouldnt have affected my life at all to be honest lol

OP posts:
Original poster
youngone · 14/05/2019 00:21

Also he isn't set up to have the kids no beds etc

OP posts:
TopsyTurvy0 · 14/05/2019 00:25

I think he's fine to be alone by himself. I certainly was, and I am in my 20s.

in fact I used to love the freedom. I didn't even get up to anything, except going to bed a bit late and eating too much from the cupboards

However, on the second note I wouldn't refuse to talk to him, but explain that you trusted him and he let you down. I think he should have gone around especially if he couldn't get hold of him. He could have said he wouldn't stay but would check up on him after work and let you decide if that was acceptable.

It is amazing you're on good terms, so few children have this ( I am one), show your son how its done

x

Knackeredmommy · 14/05/2019 00:32

I don't think it's about his age, his Dad was wrong to change plans and not let anyone know. He agreed to do something and didn't and OP wouldn't have left her son in the house had she known that.
I'd have been fuming too but I'd try to get his Dad to understand why you're angry rather than not speak to him.

LadyRannaldini · 14/05/2019 00:52

I'm impressed that your son locked up,it would never have occured to ours at any age!

Lifeandbeans · 14/05/2019 00:57

Nor mine Lady!

pallisers · 14/05/2019 01:16

I wouldn't leave a 15 year old alone at night and neither would my husband. But in MN land it is all "he could be married next year" about a 15 year old. Childhood doesn't last long at all in MN world. weird to me.

Coolegary1 · 14/05/2019 01:28

I wouldn't have liked it. Would it have killed him to pop around or even text op to say he can't reach him.
A bit too feckless.
Your ds is fine and if you can move forward with your ex ,it's better for all involved but park it in your mind for the next time this arises and ask your ds to stay with your mum.

OkPedro · 14/05/2019 01:36

Yeah poor ex being put out looking after his child ffs. He could have said no..
I’d be annoyed that he didn’t check on your ds..it doesn’t matter if he can get married at 16 Confused isn’t it just common sense to check our loved ones are ok?

lyralalala · 14/05/2019 01:53

Tbh I wouldn't have an issue leaving a sensible 15yo overnight.

However, if a 15yo is expecting you to stay with them and you can't get a hold of them then you don't just leave them be!

If I was leaving a 15yo home alone and couldn't get a hold of them then I'd go round, not the opposite.

So I think you are BU about the overnight bit, it's not a big deal. But he's BU for leaving him because he couldn't get a hold of him. That's just daft.

IAmTheChosenOne · 14/05/2019 04:04

Not illegal but recommended that a child under 16 isn't left home alone. And if anything happened you are at risk of being charged with neglect!

I don't understand where posters get these facts from. I worked in a school once upon a time, and not that long ago, we had a boy whose mother buggered back off to Nigeria for 6 weeks when he was 15, left him home alone with the sum of £10 to look after himself with. Social Services were not remotely interested.

Unless your 15 yo has some form of -ity or -ism that makes him very vulnerable, I think 8 hours, alone, over night when sleeping is perfectly reasonable.

Candace19 · 14/05/2019 04:57

You should have told 15 year old he had to stay at Nans. This is on you I'm afraid.

Zoflorabore · 14/05/2019 05:31

When I was 15 in 1993 I was left for 4 days whilst my parents went to Germany with my dad's work. My 2 younger brothers went to stay with grandparents 10 minutes walk away. I was a very sensible 15yr old though.

Mzjackson86 · 14/05/2019 05:35

Im surprised that your son agreed to go to Grandma's I wouldn't have. At 15 I would have kicked up a fuss about how I'm old enough manage a night alone. I used to love it. Had control of the TV, got to go to bed when I wanted and eat a load of junk food.
I do agree that the ex shouldn't have just left him waiting though that's just bloody rude. He should have said straight away if he couldn't have made it so everyone knew what was happening. I wouldn't not talk to him over it through. Personally I would just give him a rollicking and make a point over how your son was waiting up for him.

Bookworm4 · 14/05/2019 05:44

I think you should apologise, your the one who went away for the weekend and allowed DS to do as he pleased and expected your ex to jump when you said. He was daft not to pop round. You said your DS has done things like leave cooker in etc yet you were ok to let him be home alone, so what's the difference between evening hours alone or overnight?
You are being childish because everyone didn't obey you, grow up. If you're that concerned about other people's standards look after your kids yourself.

mathanxiety · 14/05/2019 05:50

You were fine with leaving him home alone from 7 to 11.

Not sure why you are so angry tbh. He could easily have burned the house down at 7.30.

Mrscog · 14/05/2019 06:24

My mum and Dad went to America for a fortnight when I was 15. I was fine - had a great time in fact! My grandma popped in each day as I had a friend who could drive that took me to the shops.

Mrscog · 14/05/2019 06:25

Honestly you are overreacting, the communication wasn’t ideal but just explain who he should have let know and move on.

HBStowe · 14/05/2019 06:27

I think at 15 he was probably fine on his own, but the fact that your ex didn’t know where he was / what had happened and just left is is a problem I think. Luckily your son was safe at home, but he might not have been. So I understand why you are annoyed.

That said, not speaking to your ex is childish and won’t solve anything. He knows you’re annoyed so just leave it there, and make sure that next time your son stays with his dad everyone knows the arrangement.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 14/05/2019 06:29

He’s 15, I had my own home and moved to another country myself at this age

Yabu

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 14/05/2019 06:30

He clearly is quite a grown up 15 year old, locking up and taking himself off to bed without a fuss, so OP I think you dont need to be so annoyed. It's not ideal that your ex didn't go round but it sounds as if your DS coped admirably.

I would rather have a very capable than incapable 15 year old - you clearly have the former, so be pleased for him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/05/2019 06:35

I'd be annoyed because ex defaulted on his responsibility without checking. He should have checked with your mum or something, or just bloody well go round there to see if your DS was there!
For all he knew, anything could have happened but he chose to decide that your DS just wasn't there and he couldn't be arsed to check up on him.

The fact that he's 15 and was fine isn't really relevant - ex failed in his parental responsibility.

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2019 06:41

I think you should have mentioned the autism in your first post as it's not really been noticed...

With that info YANBU

Oblomov19 · 14/05/2019 06:42

If he was supposed to have stayed at his nan's then you should have made sure he did. When he text to say he didn't want to stay there, you response should have been: you are staying!!

And made sure he had a working phone.

He did lick the door.
If he had problems forgetting to turn cooker off, then that will obviously need dealing with, unrelated to this issue.

Your anger seems misdirected, at your ex.

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