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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it unreasonable for 18 to be out clubbing until 3 or 4 am the day before A level revision at school and her brothers 1st GCSE?

122 replies

Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 13/05/2019 18:25

I’m more cranky than normal due to a tooth abscess and no sleep so need some views. Dd’s Plan is to go clubbing tonight until 3ish and get a random lift home. She always wakes us up coming home. Sometimes being too pissed to find her key and ringing the doorbell. I really need to sleep tonight as have work all week. Now she’s 18 she feels and acts like she can do whatever she likes and it’s beginning to grate. Fair enough if she wants to mess her A levels up that is her choice but I feel it’s unfair on her DB. Any thoughts or suggestions welcome as I don’t feel I’m best equipped to deal with it well today.

OP posts:
WalkingDownMadison · 15/05/2019 10:04

It's not clubbing 'when you're 18', I wish people would read the thread! It's going out to 3 a.m. and drinking too (possible hangover) and hoping to get home somehow the night before an A level exam!

rotrue · 15/05/2019 10:05

It’s A level revision and her brother’s GCSE exam.

WalkingDownMadison · 15/05/2019 10:07

Rotrue, good points. The OP in threads usually has a bad time with the shouty negativity. But occasional pearls, if you can here through the din ....

WalkingDownMadison · 15/05/2019 10:08

hear

shitholiday2018 · 15/05/2019 10:09

And on a CV, you’ll need to put GCSE results, A level results and overall degree score. You can afford to fuck up in the first years of uni because they don’t count (much if at all). I had to get firsts on everything in my third year to get the 2-1 i needed to get my training contract job, because I had gone a bit wild in my first and second years and hadn’t appreciated that my second year counted for 50 per cent of overall score. It was ironically the best life lesson ever. I could make mistakes then because I had the opportunity To make up for it. I was a bit older but also I didn’t have to put my 1 and 2 year uni exam scores on my CV. I came out with my 2-1 (And several prizes, because I nailed the tgird year - I had to) and no one was any the wiser.

It’s different here. These A level results will frame the OPs daughter’s working life forever. Sad but true. It’s worth taking a little care over them.

WalkingDownMadison · 15/05/2019 10:09

Oops yes it's DDS revision and DSs exam (blush!)

TapasForTwo · 15/05/2019 10:10

Not every 18 year old is as academically brilliant as you waterrat, or can survive on as little sleep as you can.

DD is scared of failure and wouldn't have dreamt of going out clubbing during her A levels. She did extremely well. However, her clever but lazy boyfriend (who had higher predictions than her) did go out drinking, dropped a grade in every subject and ended up missing his first and insurance choices.

rotrue · 15/05/2019 10:12

I knowing walking but it’s bruising and over the top. Overly controlling parenting is not the best approach for teens - it will be met with anger and hostility - it’s not a good way to encourage adult behaviour, but it feels like laying down the law is the right thing to do but it often isn’t - it’s how you parent pre-teens !

Dungeondragon15 · 15/05/2019 10:15

In a year or so she will be at uni going out every night !! There are some ridiculous comments on here.

All the more reason for OP emphasize now while she still has the chance that staying out late and getting drunk during the exam period is not a good idea if you want to get good grades. I went to university many years ago and don't remember people going out every single night during the exams. If we did go out we didn't drink much and certainly wouldn't get pissed as OP's DD seems to be doing.

rotrue · 15/05/2019 10:15

Not allowing them to go clubbing will not necessarily result in the student doing more studying and it won’t necessarily mean more peace in the house either for the GCSE student when the rows start kicking off!

Megs4x3 · 15/05/2019 10:22

Is it possible to arrange for DS to stay at a friends on Monday night, one who will also be sitting an exam the following morning, and IF DD does come home wasted at 3am disturbing the household, have a ‘if you want to be an adult and do as you please you need to start paying your way and have consideration for others in the house’ conversation when the hangover has lifted?

AutumnCrow · 15/05/2019 10:26

I thought the point was that she'd be waking her brother up, drunk, at 3am, the night before his GCSE exam.

TapasForTwo · 15/05/2019 10:35

Actually waterrat she won't be at university in a year or so if she flunks her A levels anyway.

AutumnCrow · 15/05/2019 12:41

And she won't be waking her brother up at 3am - just pissing off her housemates and neighbours, getting into a load of grief about that away from home, because she didn't learn not to be a pain in the arse.

shitholiday2018 · 15/05/2019 12:57

I think there is a vast difference between being a controlling parent and creating an environment where certain expectations and house rules are default. For everyone. I don’t go out and on the piss on a school night because I’d be shit at work. We all operate that way here, so teens too. They learn from modelling but also rules and guidance and advice. I’d hope with my children that it would err on the advice side more than the rule side, but I’d have no problem imposing different rules during exam time if my kids were not mature enough to make they decision for themselves. That’s not controlling, that’s providing healthy boundaries for behaviour which rash, inexperienced and immature teens might sometimes struggle to understand. And I bet your bottom dollar they’ll thank you for it in a few years time when they’ve grown up and realised they avoided a minimum wage career as a result.

millythepink · 15/05/2019 12:59

To be honest @OP, if this is the usual behaviour and attitude of your DD then you trying to address it now really is shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.

And I speak as the mother of teens also going through exams at the moment. But our boundaries and expected levels of behaviour were constructed a very long time ago, and it makes life infinitely nicer and easier now.

Ghanagirl · 15/05/2019 13:03

OP you’re still her mother even if she’s 18, she’s still at school you should be setting boundaries and not letting her get drunk and mess up her A levels.
What about her father where’s he in all this?

Dungeondragon15 · 15/05/2019 13:29

And I speak as the mother of teens also going through exams at the moment. But our boundaries and expected levels of behaviour were constructed a very long time ago, and it makes life infinitely nicer and easier now.

You don't know that their behaviour has anything to do with boundaries and rules. Many teens will realise for themselves that being hungover when trying to revise doesn't work. I certainly did as do my DCs. No "rules" required. I think that is better because when they leave home there won't be anyone setting rules and boundaries.

shitholiday2018 · 15/05/2019 13:33

Dungeon - I think we are gleaning from the OPs info that there are no rules on this - including the comment about her daughter being free to mess her exams up if she wants to. I agree it’s infinitely better if this comes naturally from within, but for some kids it just doesn’t and for some, they will need saving from themselves to a greater or lesser degree.

Dungeondragon15 · 15/05/2019 13:35

I think we are gleaning from the OPs info that there are no rules on this - including the comment about her daughter being free to mess her exams up if she wants to.

I would agree that if she is 18 she is free to mess her exams if she wants. All you can do at that age is advise of the consequences.

ishouldbedoingsomework · 15/05/2019 13:37

My DS is the same age and also currently studying for A Levels.
Tbh, I think they are all under a massive amount of pressure, and doing this may be her way of coping.
Leave her be- but I would mention the noise waking up the rest of the household, and also the importance of having a plan to get home safely.

shitholiday2018 · 15/05/2019 13:41

Well we inherently disagree Dungeon. I dont think your average 18 year old is mature enough to understand the enormity of fucking up exams is to life prospects. Yes, you can resit. No, it isn’t life or death. But I would not and could not sit by and let my 18 year old fuck things up like this without at least trying to intervene. That would involve advice, boundaries and a house rules structure which was in place long before exams started.

ishouldbedoingsomework · 15/05/2019 14:02

Shitholiday- I really think the overwhelming majority of parents want the absolute best for their DC.
If it was as straightforward as rules, working hard etc. etc. equalling good results, that would be great but I think life is more nuanced than that, and these kids have an awful lot to deal with. I'm not personally convinced that imposing your own views on them will help- but who knows it might? I certainly don't think we should all be judging each other as each situation is so different.

millythepink · 15/05/2019 14:06

I have to disagree @dungeons, sorry. There will still be plenty of rules and boundaries for teens to follow once they leave home, whether they go on to university or a job. Part of your job as a good parent is to raise your child to function properly in society, not just leave them to it and hope for the best.

Dungeondragon15 · 15/05/2019 14:49

There will still be plenty of rules and boundaries for teens to follow once they leave home, whether they go on to university or a job. Part of your job as a good parent is to raise your child to function properly in society, not just leave them to it and hope for the best.

But they are not children once they are 18 and have left home. Yes, they still need guidance but definitely not "rules". The implication that I am not a "good parent" because I only give guidance rather than rules is quite laughable.