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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it unreasonable for 18 to be out clubbing until 3 or 4 am the day before A level revision at school and her brothers 1st GCSE?

122 replies

Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 13/05/2019 18:25

I’m more cranky than normal due to a tooth abscess and no sleep so need some views. Dd’s Plan is to go clubbing tonight until 3ish and get a random lift home. She always wakes us up coming home. Sometimes being too pissed to find her key and ringing the doorbell. I really need to sleep tonight as have work all week. Now she’s 18 she feels and acts like she can do whatever she likes and it’s beginning to grate. Fair enough if she wants to mess her A levels up that is her choice but I feel it’s unfair on her DB. Any thoughts or suggestions welcome as I don’t feel I’m best equipped to deal with it well today.

OP posts:
Ihatehashtags · 14/05/2019 09:51

Is this a joke thread??? You tell her there is no way in hell she is going out. She stays home, revises and goes to bed early. Are you even a parent?

ShitAtScarbble · 14/05/2019 09:54

Why are you paying for her phone?

AutumnCrow · 14/05/2019 10:37

I have 'survived' two teenagers, both of whom did A Levels, and I suggest you put your foot down. Your daughter needs boundaries, ideas, attention and guidance, possibly professional. But you need to put the time in. If she's never home, always at work or school/college or 'out out', when do you actually properly talk to her? There seems to be so much distance.

Plus. Your son is entitled to an environment whereby he can succeed in his own exams, is he not?

Original poster
Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 14/05/2019 10:56

On the whole we manage to spend some good quality time together. We had a lovely cream tea and cocktails day out just the two of us a couple of weeks ago. So, generally we get on quite well. I said No last night which caused a lot of drama but she knows I’m not a pushover and if she can’t respect our family members she is welcome to view rooms in house shares. Hopefully, she will get her head down now and crack on with her exams. She’s booked a holiday with her friends for the day after they finish so not long to wait. It’s hard to know how much freedom to give them especially once they hit 18 as they are technically an adult but we have a right to set some house rules.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/05/2019 15:48

"Are you even a parent?"

No need for that

AutumnCrow · 14/05/2019 15:51

Keep talking. It's the key.

TapasForTwo · 14/05/2019 21:54

I would be encouraging your DD to take a gap year. DD wasn't sure what she wanted to do. She is currently on a gap year, but is starting university in September now knowing what she wants to do.

Original poster
Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 14/05/2019 22:07

Thanks tapas. That’s exactly what I have encouraged.

OP posts:
Fizzorgin · 14/05/2019 22:24

I think there's been a couple of harsh posts around parenting been made that were totally unnecessary.

When I was a teen I did tend to operate as 'parents house, parents rules' but that said there were more than a few nights I pushed boundaries. MORE than a few....

If it makes you feel any better, I took a year out. Worked instead. Paid a nominal £50 a week to my parents for bed & board but that then came back to me when I did actually go to uni, I did a totally 'useless' degree (as most would see it) but am now a higher tax rate earner in an unrelated field, doing ok for myself and take responsibility for my own actions. My parents taught me that,

corythatwas · 14/05/2019 22:41

Unlike some posters, I do allow my 18yo nights out on weekdays, but that is precisely because he is considerate when he returns and never wakes anyone up. (Once when he couldn't find the key he went to sleep in the garden rather than wake us.) Also, he is not doing A-levels but a BTEC with mainly coursework & looking for an apprenticeship in a trade, so not the same pressure of revision.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 15/05/2019 08:13

I feel for you OP as sounds just like mine, not going to uni, vaguely looking at apprenticeships but generally a bit lost unless she’s out with her mates! Hates 6th form but doesn’t seem to grasp that she’s it’s almost over and worth putting in a bit of graft at the end.

As for the posters saying put your foot down, don’t let her out .... really? These are 18 year olds!! We can’t ground them, we can repeat ad nauseam 😴about respecting other members of the house etc, it’s very wearing and boring to be honest. I have found living with ‘adult’ children very difficult.

TapasForTwo · 15/05/2019 08:18

I admit that those of us who have said "put your foot down" have the type of DC who are a bit more biddable. In our case it was easy because we live rurally, and lifts just weren't forthcoming anyway.

rotrue · 15/05/2019 08:54

We went out clubbing on a Wednesday night - in fact we all went out clubbing during our GCSEs too - not so many clubs around now.
OP I think you are getting a hard time. Your dd is still at the very selfish stage but you need to try to help her understand the impact her decision are having on everyone else in the house and ask her to figure out a way to minimise the impact. Being an adult is about taking responsibility for your choices, facing up to the impact of your decisions - putting your foot down is not the answer, she needs to start thinking about how she lives in your house without pisses everyone else off - it's not about punishment or boundaries it's about understanding and respecting other people's needs.

shitholiday2018 · 15/05/2019 09:17

I’m definitely not one for micro managing kids (though mine are admittedly much younger) but it feels like you aren’t managing her enough with appropriate boundaries and rules which encourage study and progression. She has no plan - why? How have you let it come to pass that she has no plan at all after exams? Why didn’t she get help ascertaining which course to do? There are so many whys here and it feels like I’m trying to be a cool parent you’ve lost sight of what are the basics. 18 is technically an adult but I know from my own behaviour that I was an emotional child well into my 20s. They need decent boundaries, expectations and goals, and help with those things if they are not yet able to achieve all those things themselves.

I’m glad you said no to Monday. Clubbing in the week during exam period is a total no no, I struggle to see how anyone could think otherwise. I’d recalibrate all expectations, gently, for the exam period and get some expert advice (careers service at school/college) about how to handle helping her create a life plan after they finish. She won’t thank you for being so hands off when she’s flunked her exams and is working in coop while her mates get degrees and graduate jobs and start earning proper money.

WalkingDownMadison · 15/05/2019 09:26

Very good and balanced, thoughtful post, shit holiday.

P.s. sorry if you actually did have a shit holiday.

Dungeondragon15 · 15/05/2019 09:27

In this circumstance I would just try to appeal to her better nature rather than trying to lay down the law. Just say that it would be really unfair on her brother as she always wakes everyone up after she has been drinking and he has an exam the next day. Also point out that it really isn't a good time to be staying out late and getting drunk. I do that with my DDs. Apparently I give them the impression that I will have a nervous breakdown and guilt them into doing things but it seems to work with no arguments so I'm not going to change my M.O.

waterrat · 15/05/2019 09:34

Sounds normal to me . She is an adult ! I was often out clubbing during a level years.

shitholiday2018 · 15/05/2019 09:37

Thanks Madison - hoping summer 2019 will necessitate a name change 😏

Good luck with your daughter OP.

Dungeondragon15 · 15/05/2019 09:38

waterrat She is officially an adult but most people still need guidance at that age. She also doesn't have the right to wake everyone else up. You may have "gone out clubbing" during A level years but going out until 3 a.m. and getting really drunk during the exam period is not something most adults would do. If you did it at 18 you hadn't grown up either.

TapasForTwo · 15/05/2019 09:40

In the middle of A level exams waterrat?
And were they modular or linear?

I went out on Saturdays during my A levels, but never on weekdays.

shitholiday2018 · 15/05/2019 09:44

My parents were balanced. We went out on school days in upper 6th during term time. When it was exam time, we knew not to ask. To be honest I don’t think I even wanted to - it was exam time, we knew it wasn’t a great idea. We all had goals from our unis/colleges etc and that kept us motivated. Subliminally I guess as I don’t remember this being a conscious thought process.

Maybe a chat with her daughter about how important her grades are, whatever she does in future, is the way forward for the OP.

harrypotterfan1604 · 15/05/2019 09:58

I’m really shocked at all these responses.
When I was 18 I didn’t need my parents permission to do anything. I was studying too and went out clubbing mid week coming in the early hours of the Morning.
I did pay rent though and tried to be quiet when I came home so perhaps that’s the difference

waterrat · 15/05/2019 10:00

In a year or so she will be at uni going out every night !! There are some ridiculous comments on here.

shitholiday2018 · 15/05/2019 10:03

Well let’s see which approach is right when the exam results come out! Some kids can self moderate and that’s brilliant. I was one of those but there are loads that can’t. I suspect one of mine will be like this. Those that can’t need help. Parental help.

rotrue · 15/05/2019 10:04

Some of the responses are going to be coming from parents who kids are no where near the teen stage and there will always be the over controlling type too AIBU is not the best place for teen advice or any advice really.