To want to take on, possibly adopt, my nephew.

[Krishna39]

Without giving away too much information, I really need some advice and opinions.
My sister is quite a volatile person, to the extent that one of her children despises her and has moved out of the family home. However, he's gone from one toxic environment to another whilst living with his father.
A friend of my sister has come to me, really concerned about her wellbeing as well as my nephew's wellbeing too.
My husband and I are able to provide him with a loving home, a stable routine and environment. We don't have children ourselves but I have a fantastic relationship with my nephew and truly believe that he would benefit from coming to live with us.
I understand that this is a life-changing event and it would mean that we would have to consider the school run, the holidays, work, changes to routine, emotional health and funding etc. but it is something I think he really needs. I want to go into this with as much information and ideas as possible- would I get some support with regards to funding? My husband and I both work full-time and can provide a comfortable life for us all, but if we do take him on we could possibly need help with funding a bus pass for school etc.

Could anyone please offer some advice? TIA

OP I don’t know
Much of the practicalities

But from what you say , it’s sounds like your nephews wellbeing , happiness and self esteem would be largely improved with you

I wish you the very best

I’m concerned that you think there is a child who is unsafe, but your priority is getting your ducks in a row to swoop in and adopt.

Have you informed his school there’s a safeguarding issue? CYPS? His parents? The police? Depending on the nature of the issue, passing info on to the agency who can safeguard him right now - not in 3 years after a messy and destructive court battle.

Stop living in fantasy land and take action tomorrow to move him towards safety.

You're very much coming across as wanting to adopt your nephew for financial reasons...

Unless the child is being neglected or abused you can’t just ‘take and adopt’ him because you feel he’s being led down the wrong path or he wants you to. If they will object then SS have to prove he’s better off without them, and trust me, it takes a lot for SS to remove a child. His parents have parental responsibility for him, and as such, you have none.

If they were happy to do so, you could enter into a private foster arrangement which means they still retain PR, but his day to days requirements are met through you and your dh, and he lives with you.

To adopt a child takes time and a lot of effort from yourselves and the local authority, it’s not easy and will take social workers, solicitors and judges.

dippypippy what a kind post, thank you . We absolutely adore our two (obviously!) and talk to them often about being adopted, show them photos of their birth family etc. There can be a lot of additional anxiety involved with being adoptive parent and hearing such lovely stories really helps!

I think everything I wanted to say has been covered already.

OP I think the best you can do for this boy in your situation is to offer to have him over to stay as much as possible so he can have some respite from his home life and experience some nurturing from you. If his home life is abusive or neglectful then you absolutely must report that to SS regardless of whether it would result in you adopting him. SS will do their own assessments but TBH the threshold for removal is very very high. There would be repeated chances given to his parents to shape up and improve his care. It definitely won’t be as simple as you calling to say his life isn’t great and SS saying “well, could you have him then?”

hidinginthetoiletagain, I am sorry this case has been preying on my mind because even when there was intervention at the earliest opportunity it seems it was not enough and as an experienced social worker that hit hard! However I have friends who are adopters and whilst they experience unique difficulties they have amazing families and kids that I adore. We have good after adoption support in this area and they are proactive enough (unfortunatley it always seems a fight) to get the therapeutic support needed. There are lots of babies I have placed with wonderful parents and will never know how things are going but I am sure lots are fine. I also am fortunate in that the set up in my local authority means we stay allocated to families and I have a manager who accepts some families mean long term intervention. It takes lots of time of time in which there have been yeats of neglect and suspicion of professionals but after a year or so I have teenagers who no longer hate the fucking social worker and we head of on trips to the coast etc and talk things through. It is so lovely to see these young people belive they are entitles to a life outside the estate/ poverty they have grown up in and talk about wanting to do well at school and have a career and aspirations for the future. Basic stuff but my favourite part of the job!

Two of my close friends are adopted. And they are successful, happy well adjusted people.

dippy I’m sure you're doing a great job.

Why would his bus pass be £600. A bloody adult bus pass isnt even £600 a year in most places. Where do you live, dubai?

Sorry pressed loads of typos. Pressed post rather than review!

@Fiveredbricks an awful lot are that price. Mine was around £650 as a child.

If you want to help your nephew then offer to see him a lot, tale him out, have sleepovers. You’ve not told us about any specific concerns that would give social workers grounds yo remove him from parental care. There’s research that proves the consistent involvement of a stable and loving adult helps children be resilient in the face of a difficult home life. You can make a difference this way. Good luck

What’s wrong with being in his life but not having a parental role?

I’m also a little concerned that OP posted a few weeks ago that she was feeling suicidal and being bullied in her job (which hopefully doesn’t involved working with children given the working environment she described). She also didn’t want to burden her husband as he was very stressed at work.

While I am sure this lady is genuine in her concern for her nephew - she might not be strong enough to take on a very long, difficult, expensive fight for custody.

My DIL was adopted at 4 along with her brother. Her 8 other half siblings have systematically been removed ever since. She’s the eldest. Her relationship with her adoptive parents broke down some years back. Before being adopted she was subjected to years of abusive behaviour, 3 years SS interventions before the final decision was made to remove. She has emotional problems, an inability to understand other people’s emotions and huge separation issues.

She also has a lovely little boy from an earlier relationship. He is to intents and purposes our grandson and we adore him. The cycle has repeated though. My son met her when she was living in a mother and baby placement. Her baby had been named on a child protection order.

When my son bought her home to meet us we could see how damaged she was. Bless her though, we fell in love with them both.

Having a spare room we offered to take them in. At that point we started the jumping through hoops routine. Police checks, DBS, Social Services, even our medical history was checked. I becam part of the core group and she moved in. Eventually she married my son and her child is now a ‘child in need’ which is I suppose, a downgrade on the care scale.

We have worked so hard with her to help her learn parenting skills, to communicate, to educate herself to a decent level.

It’s taken a long long time though the. You can’t just swoop in and take a child seeing yourself as their ‘saviour’. It’s incredibly arrogant.

Your poor DN.
You'll need your sisters help with it, have it official above board.
Many years ago, my aunt was a terrible DM she's dead now she had 9 DC, my Grandmother took the eldest 2. For many years my aunt traumatised and threatened to take them back My Nan had to give her money regularly, alcohol, etc.
My Nan never gave them back, both have high earning jobs, families, their other 6 siblings have been to prison, involved in crime.
Although my Nan had no regrets, it really took it's toll on her, she still died with sadness for the other 6DC. no social worker involvement back then.
It won't be easy, but would be worth the fight for him.

I saw that earlier post Dippypippy1980 and think OP would best help her DN by helping her DSis.

Right now the only thing you need to decide is do the family need social services input? Because if they do then you need to involve them. Everything else is secondary to that. If you love this boy as you say you do and want to protect his safety then you need to contact social services.

You can’t only contact them if you decide you want him because if contacting them is conditional to whether you want this boy or not then you’re either not thinking about his safety or you don’t think the home environment is bad enough to warrant the input in which case you’re wasting your time debating this anyway.

Put him first, if he needs the help then report the situation appropriately there are enough people you can raise concerns with social services, school, nspcc, the police etc.

I’m also a little concerned that OP posted a few weeks ago that she was feeling suicidal and being bullied in her job (which hopefully doesn’t involved working with children given the working environment she described).

OP says she does work with children.

I work with children and know how challenging it is to bring up a child- it's not a decision I've taken lightly.

OP says she does work with children.

And yet on the thread about her job leaving her suicidal she references sales, customers, and targets. I can't think of many child-centric jobs that involve those three things?

OP's last thread referred to 'the office' and 'a product we sell' so not sure how that relates to working with children?

X-posted with Doom - yes, exactly.

That’s interesting.

Could be wrong, but this is coming across like the op is fed up with her job, can't afford to leave, and is considering whether there's a possibility she could get some money using her sister's child.

She says that the social services have no knowledge of the family. So, either there aren't any serious concerns at all, or the OP has failed to inform the ss about them, which makes her an inadaquate carer anyway.