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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to take on, possibly adopt, my nephew.

103 replies

Krishna39 · 13/05/2019 17:49

Without giving away too much information, I really need some advice and opinions.
My sister is quite a volatile person, to the extent that one of her children despises her and has moved out of the family home. However, he's gone from one toxic environment to another whilst living with his father.
A friend of my sister has come to me, really concerned about her wellbeing as well as my nephew's wellbeing too.
My husband and I are able to provide him with a loving home, a stable routine and environment. We don't have children ourselves but I have a fantastic relationship with my nephew and truly believe that he would benefit from coming to live with us.
I understand that this is a life-changing event and it would mean that we would have to consider the school run, the holidays, work, changes to routine, emotional health and funding etc. but it is something I think he really needs. I want to go into this with as much information and ideas as possible- would I get some support with regards to funding? My husband and I both work full-time and can provide a comfortable life for us all, but if we do take him on we could possibly need help with funding a bus pass for school etc.

Could anyone please offer some advice? TIA

OP posts:
StopSpinning · 13/05/2019 18:38

In the nicest way possible, if you think £600 is a lot then I feel you need to look into the full cost. It costs a lot more than that to find an extra child for a year.

It is, however, very kind of you. Kids really are life changing, it's not just the school run. It's out of term care, going to kid friendly activities every weekend, picking kid friendly holidays, hardly ever having an evening with just you and your partner,..., the list goes on. If you are absolutely sure you would both be ok with it then I suspect it sounds like you may also have to fight the legal battles.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 13/05/2019 18:39

How sweet. You said that the friend is also worried about your sister - is she in physical danger? Have you talked to her about her son coming to live with you?

StopSpinning · 13/05/2019 18:39

Oops 'fund' not find!

wotsittoyou · 13/05/2019 18:41

I'm sorry, there's some confusion here. It sounds like you're planning to adopt a child who isn't up for adoption...

aprilshowers12 · 13/05/2019 18:44

My thinking is that unless Children Services are the ones asking for the child to be removed from their current home they wouldn't consider funding. They hardly have the funds for the children that absolutely need to be in foster care. Otherwise I suppose anyone could get fed up with their children, a family member step in to take them on and Childrens Services would be expected to fund it! If you want this child to live with you and your sister agrees I think you will need to be able to financially support he child as if he was your own. If Childrens services do become involved and want the child to be looked after by someone else I think it would only be fair for them to consider you as well as foster carers. You would then, I think, receive a maintenance payment on a par with what a foster carer would receive

Original poster
Krishna39 · 13/05/2019 18:46

It's not that we think £600 is a lot in itself, it's that it is upfront. We could do it, happily, but I still think £600 is a lot of money for what it is. We've looked at the long term financial implications of bringing a child into our home and with our salaries combined we're comfortable. We know it would mean less 'us' time and whatnot, but when taking the wellbeing of a child who needs help, we've agreed that 'us' time isn't as important.
We're happy to become a family unit.

OP posts:
Kitsandkids · 13/05/2019 18:47

I’m a foster carer. You can’t decide to take on a child who hasn’t been removed from his parents and whose parents don’t want him to go. Yes, if Social Services remove him you can put yourselves forward as carers but would have to go through training and assessment to be approved. If he is ‘known’ to Social Services then you could contact them and ask for a note to be put on his file with your contact details in case he is ever removed.

user1498854363 · 13/05/2019 18:47

Op, I have some personal experience of this. Happy to pm
You can’t adopt a child unless those with parental responsibility agree and it goes to court (either parents or social services usually), but you can have him reside with/live with you.

  1. Are u in U.K.?
  2. What does your sis think? Would she agree?
  3. Are social services involved? Or CAMHS?
  4. What about wider family (your decisions will have long term impact on family life (what happens at family events, how often will he see mum n dad), what happens if he wants to live back with them?

So much to consider, if no other professionals involved, you could offer him living with you for a period of time to help things settle down.

You will get child benefit but no other financial help unless social services place him with you. As far as I know.
Grandparents plus is great organisation-contact then for advice.

Also DN will need extra support/counselling and may have additional needs based on his early life trauma. Be prepared for this.

And then there are the teenage years, horrible for many parents...

Obviously kids also bring joy! Didn’t want to rain too hard, but this is not a quick fix or always happy ever after plan.

FenellaVelour · 13/05/2019 18:48

You wouldn’t get any funding other than child benefit unless he was removed from his parents through care proceedings.

If his parents agree that he can live with you, that’s a private arrangement between family members.

If they don’t agree, and he doesn’t meet the threshold for care proceedings, then there’s little you can do... you can’t just choose to adopt or care for a child without parental consent.

Original poster
Krishna39 · 13/05/2019 18:48

Wotsitoyou, that's not necessarily the case. I'm looking at going to the appropriate services in order to help a child who's in a volatile situation. Social services currently know nothing of the situation, so when I approach them I want them to know that there is a home with us for him.

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 13/05/2019 18:49

So does your nephew have social service input? Is he on their radar because unless I'm mistaken from what you posted so far he sounds like a child who you want to adopt but who is not up for adoption?

I think your heart is in the right place but you are being very rash in your decision to think you would be able to offer him a better home than the one he has with his parents.

CleverQuacks · 13/05/2019 18:49

I am a social worker. There are only three ways that this child could come to live with you

  1. his mum and dad agree. This would be a private fostering arrangement. You may get tax credits ( if you qualify and his parents agree) but wouldn’t be entitled to any other money from social services.

  2. he is removed from his parents by social services. Are they involved at all? Are they considering removal?

  3. You go to court to get residency. This is very unlikely to happen though. Courts don’t just remove kids from their parents. I have NEVER heard this happen unless social services are involved and there are major safeguarding concerns.

So from your posts it is unlikely he will come to live with you. Maybe you could offer his parents some respite? Have him some weekends or something?

HappyLife21 · 13/05/2019 18:56

You can’t decide to take on a child who hasn’t been removed from his parents and whose parents don’t want him to go

This! Of course you can’t have a child to live with you if his parents don’t want him to and social services are not currently involved!

Singlenotsingle · 13/05/2019 18:57

Bearing in mind what Cleverquacks says, maybe someone needs to get SS alerted to the fact that this is a child in distress.

We wanted to take on my dp's dgs who was only a baby. We could have been offered a special Guardianship (unpaid) but decided in the end that we were too old).

Mummy0ftwo12 · 13/05/2019 18:57

But he isn't currently living with his mother?

Dippypippy1980 · 13/05/2019 18:58

Sorry - so you can afford the £600 - you just don’t want to spend it on a bus pass! I am a bit annoyed that you can afford it comfortably but still expect the taxpayer to subsidise it because you simply don’t want to spend the money.

I’m not sure parenting is for you. There are loads of really expensive things that I would rather not spend the money on - but that’s parenting. You make sacrifices. School uniforms, shoes, after school clubs, school trips, sports equipment, clothes, laptop (essential really for school). Whenever is a bit older the demand for electronics etc will terrify you. Then the driving lessons - and dear god university fees!!

Missingstreetlife · 13/05/2019 18:59

You could make him a ward of court but if it is challenged won't succeed and would be v expensive. Speak to your sister and child's dad. They may welcome help and support to be better parents, or for you to have informal care. Adoption is waaaaay down the line. Google special guardianship.what help is your sister getting for her own health?

FenellaVelour · 13/05/2019 19:00

Exactly what Cleverquacks said, in a nutshell.

If there’s no social care involvement right now, they’re not going to go barging in and remove your nephew from his parents just like that. The threshold for care proceedings is very high, and except in very high risk cases there are procedures to follow first.

I think it’s highly unlikely that he will be able to live with you unless his parents agree, but I agree that perhaps some family support and respite might be the way to go.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 13/05/2019 19:02

But he isn't currently living with his mother?

I read it as the nephew is at home with his mother but a second child, older probably, has left the home to live with his father.

Surfskatefamily · 13/05/2019 19:08

Surely at this moment, as there is no social services involvement the first step would be to help your sister and bro in law to seek support to parent better.

Trying to take their son is not the first step you should try. If his living situation is not suitable/safe ring social services

HelveticaSurprise · 13/05/2019 19:18

I agree with pps that you seem to be trying to adopt a child who hasn’t been freed for adoption. Are you aware of what this child’s circumstances would need to be, and how much support SS would have to have given his parents, before they would consider removing him from his family home?

wenavigatebythesoulswefind · 13/05/2019 19:23

You might get better advice on the adoption boards. There are a lot of armchair experts on Aibu who are desperate to put the boot in.

HelveticaSurprise · 13/05/2019 19:26

The adoption boards have several people who are kinship carers for children from the extended family. They would also say that it’s not up you to decide that a child’s circumstances meet the threshold for removal, however good your intentions.

HappyLife21 · 13/05/2019 19:31

I have a strong feeling that both his mother and father will object to it, but I am willing to face any legal battles that may come with it

You are coming across as though you haven’t really thought this through. Can you imagine the world where children could be legally taken away just because someone else thinks they can give them a better life? Confused

Redcliff · 13/05/2019 19:34

If I am reading this right - your DN is 10, has moved to his dads but wants to move to yours. Could you ask his parents how they would feel about him moving it with you? They might be fine about it which wouod make your life easier. Then you could ask the LA what you need to do.

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